The Punster's Pocket-book
TextPUNS FOR ALL PERSONS AND PURPOSES;
OR,
JOKES FOR EVERY DAY IN THE YEAR
"Touch but his gunpowder wit with a merry fire, and
you shall instantly hear a good report."
"A punster's wit, what is it like?"
"The electric spark, from Merc'ry ta'en;"
"Or gunpowder," says merry Mike,
"Touch it, you bid adieu to pain."
PUNNING AT BACKGAMMON
Two scholars of Brazen Nose College, Oxford, playing at backgammon, a third came in to size, that is, to obtrude for a dinner. The owner of the room throwing the dice, and addressing himself alternately to his visitors, said
"If I bate you an ace,
Deuce take me;
for it would be-tray a weakness
in a man who could not cater for himself.
Therefore sink me
if you do size."
A NEGATIVE PUN
"I am happy, Ned, to hear the report that you have succeeded to a large landed property!" "And I am sorry, Tom, to tell you that it is groundless."
A PUN. – THE ORIGIN OF THE PAPAL POWER
In the Latin version of the Bible there is the following passage: —Tu es Petrus, et super hanc petram ædificabo meam ecclesiam. The French, in rendering these words into their own tongue, convert them into a proof that St. Peter was the corner stone here spoken of —Tu es Pierre, et sur cette pierre j'edifierai mon eglise!!!
A MAN-MILLINER'S PUN
An amateur, famous for taking a front seat in the pit the first night of a new opera, was dreadfully annoyed one night by the big drum, opposite to whose "loud sounds" he was unfortunately placed. He expressed his uneasiness so frequently, that the performer made use of the word "man-milliner" once or twice, in derision of his tender auriculars. "Man-milliner!" said the gentleman, "I am none, but you're the vilest tambour-worker I ever met with."
A BACKSLIDER'S PUN
A gentleman asked another if he would have a skait on the Serpentine; – "Most certainly; but I can't trust to my soles and heels: besides, I should lose my character." – "Lose your character!" – "Aye, I should become a back-slider." – "Oh," answered his friend, "come along; you'll do, if you commence on fundamental principles."
AN HERALDIC PUN
A gentleman employing a porter whose name was Russel, asked him jocularly, "Pray is your coat of arms the same with the duke of Bedford's?" "Our arms (answered the fellow) are, I suppose, pretty much alike; but there is a confounded difference in our coats."
A CANONICAL PUN
A canon of Exeter Cathedral died a few weeks since; a gentleman, crossing the Cathedral-yard in that city, accidentally met a friend, to whom he said – "So, Canon H – is dead!" – "Indeed!" replied the other, "I was not aware that cannons went off in that way." – "Yes, they do," rejoined the first, "for I have just heard the report!"
AN APOTHECARY'S PUN
"Does your husband expectorate?" said an apothecary to a poor Irish woman who had long visited his shop for her sick husband – "Expect to ate, yer honour – no sure, and Paddy does not expect to ate – he's nothing at all to ate!" The humane man sent a large basin of mixture from a tureen of soup then smoking on his table.
A BITTER PUN
An apothecary asserted that all bitter things were hot. "Pardon me, (said his friend), this is a bitter cold day."
A SMUGGLER'S PUN
When the Custom-house corps first made their public appearance, it was observed by one, that they looked as formidable as so many Alexanders. "Rather say," said another, "that they appear more like Seizers," (Cæsars.)
COLLEGE PUN UPON PUN
Two Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of grease on the neckcloth of his companion, said, "I see you are a Grecian." – "Pooh!" said the other, "that's far-fetched." – "No, indeed," says the punster, "I made it on the spot."
A CRANIOLOGICAL PUN
A craniologist and a disciple of Lavater disputing the merits of their several professions; says the Skullist, "What we cannot get into their noddles, we get out of them." – "Yes," says the physiognomist, "God help the heads saddled with such a theory! for whilst one galls, t'other spurs 'em."
A CITY PUN
A wag, upon seeing the name of "Mr. Ledger, conductor of the Albion Library," in the list of deaths, observed, "Ah! poor fellow! his day-book's closed, and he's posted, I suppose, to his long account." – "By no means improbable," said another, "seeing he was engaged in book-keeping all his life!"
A PHYSICAL PUN
A gentleman dreadfully ill was recommended to a celebrated physician – "Oh," replies he, "I have called several times, but he's always out." "Why then," observes his friend, "try another." "Who?" "Who! why Sir Ever-hard-Home."
A COLLEGE PUN
A prize was offered in a certain society sacred to the Latin classics, for the best "Carmen" to celebrate Christmas. A jocose tradesman, in the city, sent the meeting two of his carters, saying, he knew no better carmen in the world to celebrate the festive season, as they had been "keeping it up" for the last fortnight.
A LADY'S PUN
A very agreeable lady of the name of Riggs, being one season at Margate, in the house with six others, her relations, and only one gentleman to attend the whole; when one regretting that they had not more of the male creation, she replied, "If we complain of not being well manned, I am sure we are well rigged."
A COBBLER'S PUN
A man in the city, amongst many curiosities, exhibited the identical boot worn by Frederick the Great. A gentleman viewing it, asked where the bullet wound was; "Och, (said the fellow from the sister country) it's been healed lately."
A JUDICIAL PUN
One Hog was to be tried before Judge Bacon, who told him he was his kinsman. "Well (replied the learned judge), no hog can become bacon till he is hanged, and then I'll allow your claim."
A BACCHANALIAN PUN
A jolly vicar, in a state of inebriety, making a zig-zag course to his house, was asked by a friend who met him, whence he came? He said, "I have been spinning out the evening with my neighbour Freeport." – "And now (replied the other), you are reeling it home."
A GERMAN PUN
A young man of the name of Cæsar having married a young lady called Rome, a wag wrote upon his door, "Cave, Cæsar, ne tua Roma fiat respublica."
A WHISTLING PUN
A youth was incurably addicted to the vile sin of punning. His father, who detested a pun not less than old Mr. Shandy himself, imposed a fine of half a crown for each commission of this offence. One day the father and son passing along, saw a man in the pillory. The punster could scarcely refrain from a pun with which he was big. The presence of dad, however, restraining his tongue, he indulged his wit by whistling, "Through the wood, laddie."
A MANAGER'S PUN
A new comedy, on its third representation, being thinly attended, the author observed that it was all owing to the war. "No (said the manager) I fear it is owing to the piece."
THE ANTIGALLICAN PUN
A Frenchman in a coffee-house called for a gill of wine, which was brought him in a glass. He said it was the French custom to bring wine in a measure. The waiter answered, "Sir, we wish for no French measures here."
A CLERICAL PUN
A person asked the minister of his parish what was meant by "He was clothed with curses as with a garment." – "My good friend (said the minister), it means that he had got a habit of swearing."
A SELFISH PUN
A certain tavern-keeper, who opened an oyster-shop as an appendage to his other establishment, was upbraided by a neighbouring oyster-monger, as being ungenerous and selfish. "And why (said he), would you not have me sell-fish?"
A GAMBLING PUN
At a ball given lately by a very rich individual, M. de C. found himself vis-à-vis at a table d'écarté, with a valet-de-chambre whom he had turned away some days before. "This time at least," said M. de S. to whom the circumstance was related, "this time, at least, he knew whom he had to deal with!"
A STAYMAKER'S PUN
A poor corset-maker, out of work, and starving, thus vented his miserable complaint: "Shame that I should be without bread; I that have stayed the stomachs of thousands!"
CLERICAL PUNS
At a church in Ireland, where there was a popular call for a minister, as it is termed, two candidates offered to preach, whose names were Adam and Low. The latter preached in the morning, and took for his text, "Adam, where art thou?" He made a very excellent discourse, and the congregation were much edified. In the afternoon Mr. Adam preached upon these words, "Lo! here am I." The impromptu and the sermon gained him the appointment.
HORNE TOOKE'S PEDIGREE
Horne Tooke having, in a political argument, obtained an advantage over his opponent, concluded by saying, "his irritable friend looked as red with vexation as a Turkey Cock." The other, thinking to wound his feelings by a cutting retort to this sarcasm, observed "that he dared to say Mr. Tooke had quite forgotten who his father was?" "Oh! no indeed, I have not," said Tooke, "he was a Turkey Merchant, (i. e. a Poulterer.)"
A JOE MUNDEN
It being told the comedian, during his stay at Brighton, that Mrs. Coutts had offered five thousand pounds for Byam-House, Munden exclaimed, "My wigs and eyes! five thousand pounds to buy-a-mouse! What the devil will the woman do next?"
PARISIAN PUNS
1. The Count de Sedan held that little state as a fief of the crown of France, of which he was in other respects a subject. Louis XIV. wishing to put his paw upon this domain, had the Count arrested and clapped into the Bastille, on a supposed charge of treason. The result was, that, in order to save his life, he gave up his possessions; on which the wits of Paris made this pun – "Il donnoit Sedan (ses dents) pour sauver sa tête."
2. Madame de Stael has been much admired for her handsome figure, and particularly her fine arm, but unfortunately disfigured by her deformed foot. Being in a gallery at Paris, where there was an empty pedestal, vain of her person, she mounted, and placed herself in an attitude to display her figure to advantage; but unluckily one of her feet peeped out. A wit approached, and seeming to look only at the pedestal, exclaimed, "O le vilain Pie-de-stal!"
3. Mons. St. Priest, who had been ambassador from the court of France to the Ottoman Porte, was afterwards sent, in a diplomatic capacity, to the Hague; but on account of some ceremonial being neglected, he refused to enter the gates of that place. This gave occasion to the wits of Paris to observe, that he was still "ambassadeur à la Porte."
COMMERCIAL PUNS.FROM "TRAVELLER'S HALL," "English Spy."
"I don't see the bee's wing in this port, Mr. Blackstrap, that you are bouncing about," said a London traveller to a timber merchant. "No, sir," said the humourist, "it is not to be seen until you are a deal higher in spirits; the film of the wing is seldom discernible in such mahogany-coloured wine as this." "Sir, I blush like rose-wood at your impertinence." "Ay, sir, and you'll soon be as red as logwood, or as black as ebony, if you will but do justice to the bottle," was the reply. "There is no being cross-grained with you," said the timber-merchant. "Not unless you cut me," retorted Blackstrap, "and you are not sap enough for that." "Gentlemen," continued the facetious wine-merchant, "if we do not get a little fruit, I shall think we have not met with our dessert; and although there be some among us whose principals are worth a plum, there are very few of their representatives, I suspect, who will offer any objections to my reasons."
A COCKNEY'S PUN
A Londoner told his friend that he was going to Margate for a change of hair; "You had better," said the other, "go to the wig-maker's shop."
AN IRISH PUN
The two Taymen
About the time of the issue of the new crown-pieces, Messrs. Bish and Sparrow, the advertising tea-dealers, though strongly opposed to each other, for two of a trade never agree, set about, highly to their credit, a reformation in the price and quality of the "fragrant lymph." An old Irish woman, fond of a cup of "good mixed," thought, what much more sensible people do, that the above worthies were no less than patriots; but she even went further; on being asked by a neighbour the meaning round the edge of the coin of "Decus et Tutamen," said she, "By the powers I suppose Decus means the King, but Bish and Sparrow are the Two Taymen."
A SPORTING PUN
Managing the Pack
A country gentleman, who was celebrated for taking the lead with some of the first-rate hunts, became so much reduced in circumstances by his attachment to gaming, as to accept the office of dealer at a gambling table. A friend (like Matthews's Dr. Prolix), with infinite promptitude, observed, "that he continued to follow his old predilection, for he still managed the pack."
"BULL'S" PUNS ON THE LATE PANIC AMONG THE BANKERS
"In the city, while Currie was Raiking together his cash, Sir John Lubbock Fostered his Clarkes; Sir William Kay knew his Price; Rogers felt Toogood to smash; one house in Fleet-street Praed to get through it; and while another chuckled like a Child, the Goslings were looking Sharp after their concerns – poor Hodsoll," added the dunce, "was obliged to give up his Stirling capital; but Stevenson knew his partner was worth his Salt; Dorien, Magens, and Dorien, got Mello with rejoicing, and Jansen was never near being 'done Brown;' Paxton and Cockerell, according to culinary custom, sent their Trail to take care of the long-bills; and though Fry might have been in a Stew for a time, he (like the Smiths of Mansion House-street) soon had his Payne removed.
"At the west end of the town, though Scott Claude up his money at the moment, he soon began to pay again; Kinnaird said he could Ransom his credit whenever he chose; while the other house in Pall-mall declared they had More-land than would settle the claims of all their creditors; and although Marten expected a Call on Arnold, they were equally steady with the house of Cocks (part-Ridges) at Charing-cross, who crowed most lustily at their own stability; every body knows, said the wag, that Green-wood never breaks, and as for Thomas's in Henrietta-street, it was very soon ascertained that there, all was Wright."
A HARROW PUN
Receiving a youth back who has been expelled for a misdemeanour, upon condition that he be severely flogged, appears to be a very odd mode of healing the breech.
A SOLDIER'S PUN
The peculiar new mode of drilling the soldiers in St. James's Park, ought, from the variety of their evolutions, to be termed quadrilling.
A PROFESSIONAL PUN
Speaking of professions, there must be somebody in every way. "Ay," replied Taylor the flute player, "and there is a great number of folks in one another's way."
A MUSICAL PUN
To make a competent double bass player, it requires a head-piece, while a wind instrument performer wants only a mouth-piece (i. e. a reed).
A BREAD AND MEAT PUN
A needy adventurer coming to London, who was very thin, observed to S. Taylor, that he only wanted to pick up a little bread among the musical profession; to which the joker replied, "If you can pick up a little flesh at the same time, it will not be amiss."
A PUN UPON MY HONOR!
A person who was addicted to "pledge his honor" upon all occasions, observed, on looking through the window, "It rains, upon my honor." "Yes," said Taylor, "and it will rain upon MY honor if I go out."
CLASSICAL PUN
"Do you know," said an Oxonian to his friend, "why an acre of land bought on a stipulation to pay the purchase-money a year hence, resembles an ancient lyric song? Because it is An-acre-on-tick.
A WARM PUN
"You are never witty," said a friend, "until you are well warmed with wine." "That may be," replied the punster: "but it is no reason, good sir, that I am to be well-roasted."
THE EXCISE-OFFICE v. THE STAMP-OFFICE
Foster, the oboe player, of Drury Lane Theatre (and who also belonged to the Excise Office) happened one day, at a rehearsal, to be playing rout of time. Shaw, the leader, began to stamp violently, and said, "Why don't you play in better time, you member of the Excise Office?" Upon which Foster replied, "None of your jeers to members of the Excise Office: you seem to be a member of the Stamp Office yourself."
HARPING UPON A FIGURE
A professional harpist (who was a very incompetent performer), one night at Drury Lane Theatre, boasted of the elegant figure upon the head of his harp; observing that it cost him eight guineas the cutting of it. Foster immediately exclaimed, "Sir, if I play'd upon the harp, I would endeavour to cut a figure myself."
A PUNSTER'S REQUISITES FOR AN M.P
"To get into the gallery of the House of Commons," said a punster, "a man must have the ribs of a rhinoceros; to obtain a good place in the body of the house, the qualities of a camelion; to secure a seat on the treasury bench, he must not fear to tread-a-wry. Opposition he must write thus – 'oppo'-site —position; ministerial, men-who-steer-well. Private bills he may quote as examples of private punishment; the speaker's dinners, a speechless banquet, where every guest leaves politics for polite-tricks. To speak well and long, you must display artificial feelings, have leathern lungs, a face of brass, an elephant's sagacity, and a lion's courage; and, with all these qualifications, you may perchance be considered bearable; without them you are certain to come in for a scrape26."
A PUNSTER'S APHORISMS
If you mean to be a domestic animal, never marry a woman of a wild disposition. An ugly helpmate, though she may have the wealth of Plutus, and the virtues of an angel, can never be considered as a lovely wife. If you would live happily, always whistle when your wife whines or scolds. If she should grow furious, take yourself into the cool air, without trying to pacify her. A man who exposes himself to a storm is sure to get pelted. Never offend the ears of a modest woman by a coarse or indelicate expression: the fairest mirror is stained by a passing breath. Never marry a woman for money, lest, obtaining the honey, you are stung by the queen bee. Never lose an opportunity for making a good pun, when you can do it consistent with good nature, and without endangering the esteem of good friends. A pun, to pass current, should bear the stamp of wit, and be struck off in the mint of originality. A genuine bad pun is not always a bad joke. Late hours make lazy servants, a loquacious wife, and end in making a long purse light, a long illness heavy, and long life very uncertain.
Bernard Blackmantle.
TARTANI'S DREAM – A TAIL PIECE
Blackmantle's labours here, are done,
Ye wits, and wags, in mirth who revel;
Approve each epigram and pun,
And Bernard proves a merry devil.
A PUNNING ESSAY ON THE ANTIQUITY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE,
BY
THE AUTHOR OF 'MY POCKET-BOOK27;'
Originally printed as one of Dean Swift's Three Manuscripts, discovered at St. Patrick's Abbey
A FRAGMENT
We observe in Homer's Batrachomyomachia, that the instant the frog Calaminthius sees the mouse Pternoglyphus, he is so frightened that he abandons his shield and jumps into the lake: and this confirms our etymology of the mouse's name, Turn ugly face.
In the same poem, also, we find a warrior-mouse called Lichenor, which some, who, like certain commentators on Shakspeare, will always be running to the Greek for interpretations, consider as signifying one addicted to licking, but here we see the imbecility of foreign resources, and the great strength of our own. Their explanation is certainly something near the mark, but for a mouse, how much more germain to the matter is ours —Lick and gnaw? It is true, that I may have mistaken the sense of my opponents' language, but even granting them the full latitude of understanding by their words, as applied to our military mouse, that he was one addicted to licking or conquering, yet is it by no means so full and expressive as it appears in our exposition. Besides, it must be remembered that Lichenor was not so much "addicted to licking" as to being licked, witness the frog Hypsiboas's running him through the body with a rush. See I. 202.
At v. 244, we have the mouse Sitophagus, who like many a soldier of modern times had recourse to his heels and betook himself to a snug dry ditch – [Greek: êlato d'es taphon]. I had always some suspicion that this name was particularly corrupted in the last syllable, and the foregoing circumstance has, fortunately for the literary world, furnished me with a conjecture that seems to place the etymology of this coward's title beyond all doubt: —Set off again– his invariable custom on these occasions, which was perhaps owing to his having studied the art militaire in Hudibras, where he learnt that
– Timely running's no mean part
Of conduct in the martial art.
Sitophagus, from Set off again, is perfectly within the canon of parcè detorta, which it may not be amiss here to repeat:
"New words are allowable, if they descend," says Horace, "from the English28 spring, with a sparing distortion."
I have neither leisure nor inclination to go through the whole of the names of the heroes in Homer's battle of the frogs and mice; nor is it necessary, for it must be apparent to every ingenuous critic that they are all derived from one source. Such, however, as occur to me elsewhere, and are thought by many to have very different roots, I shall notice for the purpose of dispelling the clouds of error, and restoring the light of truth.
Pallas. This word should be written thus 'Pallas, with an apostrophe, as in the instance of 'fore for afore. Its origin then clearly appears. The goddess was so called on account of the Gorgon's head on her shield, that had the power of killing or turning into stone, which was indeed enough to Appal us.
In a very singular work, printed in 1611, and entitled Stafford's Niobe, I find something like an attempt to prove that the goddess of wisdom acquired the name of Pallas from the Paleness she occasions in her followers. The author's words are simply, "Pallas, whose liverie is paleness," which, if allowed to have any etymological bearing, will, from their date, at once deprive me of all credit for originality in this department of philology. The learned reader is left to decide on this nice point.
Venus, from wean us, as it is even now elegantly pronounced by many. As the heavenly Venus had that power with the Gods, so has each earthly one with us, namely, to wean us from all other earthly things, and hence the undoubted derivation.
Ἡγεμων, or Egemon, with the Greeks, meant a general, and is very evidently borrowed from a vulgar phrase amongst us, most pointedly significant of the office of a general, with respect to his soldiers, viz. to egg 'em on. It will be observed, that I have sunk the aspirate, which is a mere vulgarism in the Greek speaker, as in such instances as the following amongst ours, viz. "Hi ham" for I am.
Macrones, a people on the confines of Colchis, and I should suppose, though Flaccus does not mention it, and I have no leisure to turn to Herodotus, remarkable for their partiality to dress, since the word is clearly an abbreviated pronunciation of Macaronies.
Celsus. This philosopher composed a treatise against the Christians, which having a good sale, one of the Christians, in a merry mood, said, he sells us, and from that moment he bore his present name.
L. Mummius, a Roman consul, who acquired his cognomen of mummius, or mummy us, from being sent against the Achæans, whom he beat most unmercifully.
Boreas. This wind was long without a name, until the people feeling its northern blasts exceedingly troublesome, would be continually crying, "how they bore us!" which in time gave rise to the word boreas, or as it was originally pronounced bore us. Here we presently come at the etymology of the verb to bore, which has hitherto baffled all research and made futile every conjecture. It cannot be questioned that the Persian Boreus, and Borus the son of Perieres, had their names from some such obnoxious qualities as are attributed to the wind, though we are at a loss to guess what they were, and are by no means willing to venture an hypothesis that may lead to indecency. It is worthy of remark, as an astonishing fact, that these gentlemen are mentioned by Polyænus and Apollodorus, but without a word in the Stratagems of the one, or in the Bibliotheca of the other, that throws any light on the matter.
Philostratus. A famous sophist, and very liberal and expensive in his entertainments, from which circumstance his friends very properly gave him the cognomen of fill us, treat us. The penultimate of Philostratus is short in its derived state, but this is a liberty perfectly excusable in these cases, and coming assuredly under the description of parcè detorta.
Mannus. It is imagined that this divinity obtained his name from having once undertaken to furnish some fleet with men; but from being a German God, and for other reasons, I confess that I have no great faith in this etymology.
Æsymnus. This anxious politician's consulting Apollo, according to Pausanias, on the subject of legislation, made the witlings of his time call the God his nurse, and then in ridicule exclaim ease him nurse, which speaks for itself.
Bacchus, or Back us; and admirably so called, because he is found to be the second best in the world, inspiring courage even in a coward.
Confucius. About the etymology of the title of this famous Chinese philosopher, we are much in the dark; but it seems in the greatest degree probable that he obtained it from being a philosopher of the modern description, who put every thing into confusion.
Damon. This poet received his name from a circumstance that attended his banishment from Athens. When the sentence was brought to him, he began d – ning and swearing most bitterly, on which the officer, a rough fellow, said, "Oh, you may Damn on as long as you like, it does not signify, you must go." And go he did, but still swearing; and the people, who are tickled with a feather, hearing the officer's observations repeated, nicknamed him Damon, or as it was formerly written and spoken, Dammon.
Alala. The goddess of war. See Plutarch de Glor. Athen. So called because the moment she took the field on any side, that side had the battle all hollow.
Æsacus. He persecuted a nymph so much who did not like him, that she at last plunged into the sea, and was metamorphosed into a parrot, and in that state still continued to exclaim, as she was wont, he's a curse, which soon became the lover's appellation.
Titans. A title given to the sons of Cœlus and Terra, by Saturn, when they warred against him. They were at first known as Hyperion, Briareus, &c.; but when the god heard that they were about to fight with him, he smiled, and cried, "Ay, ay, – ecod they're tight 'uns!" and this name has distinguished them ever since.
The above word reminds me of an eastern one – [Hebrew: nodba] or Abaddon, which will as indubitably as a thousand instances of the like nature, prove the superior antiquity of the English language over that of the Jews, as well as that of the Greeks, and it is very probable, in an equal degree, over every other, dead or alive. Abaddon is a name belonging to the devil, and the most ignorant will not scruple to confess that they plainly perceive its expressive etymology in A bad 'un.
In fine – sunt certi denique fines– There have been writers who have scarcely left Troy or its famous war "a local habitation and a name;" others go still further, and say that no such man as Homer, the author of the Iliad, ever existed; and a third party, proceeding another step, talk of proving incontestibly that there never were any ancients. But one wise man (with whom I am proud to join issue) positively affirms, that those who are called the ancients were born in the infancy of the world, and do not deserve the title, but that we who live in this enlightened age, with all the wisdom of past times at our command, are, truly speaking, the just and legitimate ancients. This, being reasonably substantiated, lends its powerful assistance to confirm the opinion respecting the prime antiquity of our native tongue, and I cannot conclude without indulging the irresistible impulse I feel to acknowledge, that I have no more doubt than I have with respect to any thing yet stated, that it will ultimately prove to be the universal language.