Read the book: «She loved autumn»

© Sardaana Kokolova, 2026

ISBN 978-5-0069-9083-8

Created with Ridero smart publishing system

Kokolova Sardaana
She loved autumn

Introduction

“You are a nobody. An empty space. There is nothing around you. Why pretend to be a victim? You are pathetic. You are beyond pity. How could you bring yourself to such a state? Who needs you now? A nobody. Kill yourself. Don’t suffer. People like you are not noticed by anyone and your absence will not be noticed by anyone. It’s simple. Just go ahead and do it. Kill yourself.”

She replayed this monologue in her head hundreds of times. And each time she tried to convince herself to stop. As her psychologist taught her. Find a rational answer. A logical one. Not a simple denial. But a life-affirming definition.

In a dialogue with your subconscious, you cannot be disingenuous. Only with faith in the truth of convictions you can break the false self-importance beliefs and stop the destructive process.

Chapter 1

— Mom, can I go to the competition?

— For which competition?

— Our ensemble is participating in a competition. Let me go. I really want it. And I also want to become a choreographer.

— Who? Who put this into your head?

— I decided by myself.

Mom didn’t answer. She turned away and continued smoking in the kitchen. She looked out the window and thought about something for a long time. The daughter decided that it was better not to argue with her now and went into the room.

Year after year, she lived dancing from childhood and the desire to become a choreographer was something natural. A logical next step in life. After all, there was nothing in her life except the stage.

She stood outside before entering the building. Autumn. The sun was still gentle. And the wind reminded that the long winter was coming.

— Why didn’t you come to the rehearsal? You can’t miss it now. We’re getting ready for the contest, remember? Are you with us?

— I don’t know. Mom hasn’t answered yet. And you?

— Sure. It’s a chance to get out of the house. It’ll be fun.

— I’ve never traveled without my parents before.

— All the more reason to go. Tell the Teacher. He will help. He will talk to your mother. They are friends.

— Well, not exactly friends. He understands her well. I’ll talk.

Returning from the rehearsal, she continued to think about why she decided to become a choreographer. She knows well how the Teacher works. From the first days in the ensemble, she was the closest to him. And she often stayed in his office to watch video recordings of concerts. When the time came and everyone was thinking about what speciality to choose, she was sure that wanted to be a choreographer. She asked the Teacher how to stage dances and what it was like to be a choreographer. She knew that liked dancing. All her free time she was either in the rehearsal room, or on stage, or in the costume room. From time to time, her mother started talking about the importance of useful work. And her phrases: “Dancing is only about poverty and loneliness. You can’t earn much by dancing” firmly settled in her head. But she continued to dance and did not leave the stage.

It was always interesting to watch the Teacher at work. Especially when he began a new production. From his first step into the hall, she understood that today was not a simple rehearsal. There would be a new dance.

On such days he was collected. Even a little nervous. Sometimes he was intolerant of mistakes and demanding beyond measure. But she understood. She saw how important the moment was and tried to obey him in everything and not make mistakes.

The staging process was intense.

Gradually, the dance pattern emerged. At such moments, one of the dancers could get indignant and say that it was uncomfortable for him and that it should be done differently. The teacher listened to everyone attentively. But in the end, everyone did as he said. Everyone understood his idea and was imbued with the idea.

After the dance design was completed, they began to refine the movements. The most difficult, longest process. Often it took hours to analyze one movement or group performance until the synchronicity became perfect.

At such moments he was especially strict. And everyone was very tired. But no one argued from that moment on. There was no need to explain why he was so demanding. Everyone understood without words.

A few months later, the ensemble was ready to present a new composition. Thus, almost half a year of the Teacher’s life was put into one sentence. And the audience could appreciate the many days of work in a few minutes of dancing on stage.

— So, attention, we have arrived for the competition. Today we are resting. And tomorrow and the day after tomorrow we are working. So now by rooms — everyone, rest.

— Why are you sitting?

— He told us to rest.

— You’re coming with us!

— Me? Where?

— We won’t leave you here alone.

— But…

— I don’t know anything, get ready.

— What will happen? Where are we going?

— There you will see — the girls from the ensemble were giggling and looked pleased.

It was already dark. But she trusted them. They had danced together for a long time. And she was the youngest in the ensemble. So she obediently did everything they said. It was as if they had taken custody of her. And that evening they showed that the world could be different.

They rode the bus for a long time. They passed the center and found themselves somewhere near the park. Their excitement from approaching the goal of the evening grew. She, too, was infected with this excitement. She felt happy that they took her with them and maybe it would be fun. They walked for a long time through the park and found themselves near a lake. During the winter it froze to the bottom and locals used it as a natural skating rink. But after sunset, when the street lamps illuminated only one place on the lake, a game was taking place there.

The rules are very simple. A row was formed on both sides opposite each other. On one side were the girls, on the other the boys. Everyone had to hold hands tightly and stand opposite each other.

The girls did not run. They stood in place. And the young men ran to meet them.

And they had to break the chain. That’s what they told her. So she held on tightly to her hands and looked ahead with confidence. No one would be able to break the chain where she stood. She was confident in herself.

And so, on command, they rushed from their place. She watched as a line of young men ran towards her and then she realized that this was not the game she expected. They ran and laughed with delight. She noticed how one of them, a very large one, was heading straight for her. He was smiling, obviously so happy. But not at all handsome. She immediately realized that she did not like him. He was so huge and he was really running straight towards her. She squeezed her hands and legs tightly, as if she wanted to cling to the ice. But it was very slippery. He was rapidly approaching. And she did not understand: why is the rule so stupid? How could a fragile girl resist such a huge man? He would break the chain in any case.

A row of young men quickly ran up to the girls. She heard everyone laughing. Someone squealed in surprise. No one tried to hold the row.

“What’s going on? I don’t understand? How is this possible?”

He was there. Opposite her. He smiled widely and she remembered that gap-toothed smile.

“What is this?” he kissed her. And not just innocently. As is proper for a first kiss. But a real kiss of passion. Like it was a kiss of the Varangians. Those who are the first to enter the city. She froze in surprise and did not understand how his tongue ended up in her mouth.

“What is this? Why is this happening to me?” He let her go and walked away satisfied. She wiped her lips and was in shock and could not speak.

“That was… What was that?” — she stood there in bewilderment and couldn’t believe what had happened to her. The girls from the ensemble found her and took her to the bus stop. They laughed and discussed something the whole way. And she was silent.

— Hey, what’s wrong? You’ve been silent the whole way.

— I’m…

— What are you talking about? Was that your first kiss?

— Yes. But I didn’t imagine it like that. I thought it would be like…

— To the movies? Poor girl. But now you know. Congratulations.

— It’s not funny. You knew from the beginning and didn’t tell me. Isn’t this the first time you’ve done this?

— Yes, every time we manage to be there at this time, we definitely come to the lake. It’s fun.

— I don’t think so.

— You are strange.

She couldn’t forget that smile for a long time. How he approached her. And she, instead of running away, stood there, firmly convinced that it was a game. She trusted them.