Love yourself tender. A book about self-appreciation and self-care

First things first

I have made a list of different possible priorities. Take a look at it, and you'll find it easier to make one of your own.

Relationships priority (kids, family, friends, acquaintances). This is when you're prepared to put your work to one side to meet a friend or to make it to your kids' school performance. It's when you agree to help on your colleague's moving day despite your knee hurting. It is when you send a hand-written postcard and not a short “Congratulations!” text with a flower emoji. It is when you know for sure what actions could upset a friend and do all you can to avoid it.

Recovery (rest) priority. This is not rushing to clean your house when you're tired, even if you know that your mom, mother-in-law, or other guests are due at any time. This is not starting a third work project and not accepting a sixty-eighth client because five hours of sleep a day is definitely not enough and on that little, you start forgetting your name. Recovery priority is asking your husband or your child to watch TV with headphones on because you need some peace.

Priority of pleasure. This is going for a run or to the gym not because you need to lose weight, but because you like physical activity. It's when you choose a dish on the menu because it is what you want, and not because it has fewer calories or is considered a healthier option. It is when you refuse to buy something that's unpleasant to touch, or hurts your eyes to look at it, irritates you with unpleasant sounds, or is “good for you, but tastes bad.”

Money priority. This is when earning as much money as possible is more important than a lack of sleep, or weekends, and spending time with your family and friends. It is when faced with the choice of two jobs, you choose the one with a bigger salary. It is when you stay with someone you do not love because he supports you financially.

Job/Career priority. This is when you work longer than your contractual hours in order to exceed a plan or complete a project ahead of deadline. It's when you adhere to the sometimes unspoken company rules so as to move up the career ladder. It is when you hire a babysitter to watch your kid while you are at the office, or when your phone is on 24/7 because “there might be something important” or a phone call might come in from a colleague in in another time zone.

Safety priority. This is when you thoroughly read a document before signing it to understand all the possible risks. It' when you have a financial safety cushion that you never touch. It is when you refuse to be a co-signatory for someone else's huge loan, even if a friend is the one asking. It is when you stick to the speed limit, even on an empty highway with no cameras around.

Priority of a shared goal. This is when you and your colleagues work non-stop to deliver a project on time. It is when you and your partner are willing to live on what one of you earns while you put away the other's earnings so you can save for a house together. It is when you decide who will take maternity leave and who will continue providing for the family.

Priority of inner peace. This is when you decline an invitation to a family dinner so you can avoid listening to why your way of living is wrong. It is when you avoid doing anything that will create a fear of tax offices or other official authorities, or taking calls from unknown numbers (we are talking about fear precisely, not about a conscious decision to ignore them), or meeting someone because you owe them something.

By defining what is most important for you and what comes next you are strengthening your guts and making sure both your feet stand firmly on the ground. No matter what comes next, you will always be able to rely on your true and trusted system of priorities to adapt to new challenges and changes that come your way in the method most kind to you.

What else could support you in defining priorities except common sense? You should follow an inner feeling of childish joy and excitement. It might not be present at all times (to be honest, I don't even know if it's possible always to feel it) but you need to feel it from time to time.

This feels like itching at your fingertips from letters that are about to emerge into words and become a text that will be beautiful from the first moment you imagined it, to the period at the end of the last sentence.

This is what we feel when it is not yet love, but is already sympathy, interest, a heart-pounding, unpredictable, exhilarating certainty, and not a coincidence. And your heart pounds stronger, bolder, and in its true tone. And you realize that you have but moments before fully illuminated fireworks start in your head along with an inner feeling of celebration.

Poems, artworks, photography, texts, best conversations – all are born out of a feeling of luck and goosebumps running through your body.

If a thought of something awakens an inner light in you, and interest and curiosity are born out of it, take it as a sign that you need to turn that way. As Barbara Sher wrote: “Our hearts have their own taste buds.”^[13] We can trust them.

Yes, the process of saving up for your own place is boring, but don't you get butterflies in your stomach thinking about what a cozy renovation you will make in it? You'll hang such nice curtains there! And won't it be satisfying to place all your books on shelves there, knowing that you'll never have to pack them in boxes again and move. You'll brew a tasty cup of tea, get yourself cozy in a chair, and sit watching the first snowfall of the year covering everything outside while, down to your core, you'll be feeling that you are finally Home.

The second thing that may help you prioritize is meaningfulness. When you realize the brevity of life, you'll start to hunger for a sense of purpose. You suddenly discover that you do not want to take part in projects without a clear and certain outcome, some tangible value that you can conceive like freshly scrubbed floors. You don't want to join meetings that gather just to sit round the table and watch diagrams and pictures. You don't want to write documents that go against your values, even if someone offers you good money for it.

No money can sate the hunger for meaningfulness. Where there is meaning, there is joy, and it is more difficult to burn out, surrender halfway or start feeling like you've come to a dead end.

We do not have that much time to allow ourselves to go against the grain and spend ourselves imitating a life teeming with activity.

“There are other things more important for me right now”

There's a wonderful saying: “It's not a matter of time; it's a matter of priorities.” It comes to mind every time I hear “I'm sorry, I don't have time.” This phrase clearly means: “I'm sorry, I don't have time for you.” It's only to be expected, though, given how limited our communication resources are. Friendship is based on periods of surplus inner strength, like having a fully charged inner battery for when you want to be around people, and not get away from them. In those moments, you and your friends are ready to connect and find a free slot in your schedules. (This is of course only true if your relationships are not as close as they are for the person you'll put everything else on hold for. Or for situations when “mom, my head is stuck in a bucket.”)

It is extremely important to let yourself respect your priorities and not be ashamed of them. Don't feel any guilt about not wanting to give some of your energy to another person. Don't feel guilty about exchanging “I am a good girl” for “I am a girl that could be different but there is something else more important for me now.” My health. My sleep. My children. My career. My house. My opportunity to choose what music I dance to and with whom.

There is nothing wrong with priorities. They hinge around time and circumstances and they change when life changes. (Sometimes life changes for the better precisely because of properly set priorities.)

It's normal to focus on something that fills you with joy: to work as fast, as is convenient for you; to read books at the weekend, with the cat on your lap, rather than finish a presentation; to work for someone else instead of starting your own business. It is completely normal not to do something that kills you and not to want to “become stronger” at such a high price.

So, next time you catch yourself saying “I am sorry, I haven't got time” – you can bravely finish it in your mind with “because something else is more important to me right now.”

Or even say that out loud.

Difficulties in setting priorities

If you've been satisfying someone else's interests for a long time and in doing so have completely lost yourself, you might be experiencing difficulties. For example, it might seem now like you don't even know what you like because you're only used to reacting to something: answering questions instead of asking them; obeying instead of taking the initiative; going with the flow instead of where you need to go. Below, I'm going to tell you how you can get out of an amorphous state and reclaim yourself.

When it seems like life gets out of control

If you are just starting out setting priorities and taking into account your own self-worth, you might be familiar with feeling like you have no control over anything and no meaning; like you're running in a never-ending rat race only to get nothing in return. It's quite an unpleasant state to be in that can lead to learned helplessness – when the connection between efforts and result goes unnoticed and you give up and lose the motivation to do anything at all.

In this case, my friend, psychologist Pavel Zygmantovich, advises you to stick to making decisions every day when you get a chance. Don't resort to life-changing decisions, start small: decide whether to drink coffee or tea; to ride a subway or call a taxi; to wear a dress or jeans; to write notes with blue or black ink; to wash your hair or not; to do something now or later. You need this for your own sake so that you can trust yourself when it comes to ruling your life and determining what is going on in it. The more you practice making little decisions, the more confident you'll feel when the time comes to decide on something big.

Daunting phrases

If we were to listen to ourselves explaining why it is we're doing the things we do, we would hear the most curious things. Most often we would hear phrases like “I have to” and “I need to.” When you get a chance try to replace them with “I want to”, “I love”, “I know that I can…”, or “I have resources to…”, then feel how your body responds to those replacements.

When I say “I have to be a good mother”, I feel resistance and aggression (To whom do I owe this? Why? Is this an exam or something?). Quite opposite feelings arise, however, when I say: “I want to be a good mother”, “I love being a good mother”, “I know that I can be a good mother”, or “I know I have a resource to be a good mother.” I feel especially good from the phrase “I have enough time to be a good mother.” I want, I know, I can, I love, I have. There is a great deal of self-support in these words.

Fear of coming across someone else's displeasure

We are afraid to be called egoistic, know-it-all, snobbish. And any other words used to get under a person's skin.

Refusal to do something for somebody could go hand-in-hand with feelings of shame and guilt. You need to withstand and live through them. (Good news is: they won't last for more than a couple of days but you'll be left with something you have won over – your time and strength.) Be kind to yourself at that moment and remember that while you might feel sorry for someone with problems and hardships, you are not obliged to solve them.

What should you do if you're going to say “no” to someone because you have chosen to say “yes” to yourself and stick to your priorities, but at the same time you have no intention of closing the door on that person completely and are not willing to spoil your relationships with him or her?

Offer an alternative. For example, reschedule a meeting to a time convenient to you (when you'll have finished your project or when you'll have fewer burdens weighing you down in general); offer to do less work or just a part of it.

Help by offering other resources. You could substitute your participation in something by offering money or valuable connections. For example, give the contact details of another person who might potentially be interested in an offer.

Show compassion or support in words. By doing so you'll be acknowledging that you're aware of that person, that you understand their needs, and have heard their question. That they are not a nullity. It's horrible to believe you're invisible in this world. (As demonstrated by the words on the back of a postcard at the [St Petersburg Autistic Spectrum Disorder] Center's “Anton is here nearby” programme:^[14] “Can I hug you, please? If I don't, I'll die of misery.”)

A desire to control everything

This is a desire that is quickly followed by another problem – an inability to delegate things. This is a detrimental illusion that comes with omnipotence: you are not capable of taking everything on yourself. Chasing this unrealistic premise means willingly agreeing to an overwhelming level of anxiety and the prospect of burnout.

In this case, let me offer a set of priorities as someone who knows just how high the price can be for an oversight or a mistake. It might well be very important for you to return your clients' calls in time, but if you do it while driving, it might cost you your life.

The need to be useful everywhere

In my opinion, this is partially caused by a desire to gain approval and acknowledgment of your worth from those around you. You want praise and ideally to hear something like “What would we do without you! We daren't even go there!”

If you were to stop and wonder why it's important that you're be praised, you might discover a need for gratitude, acknowledgment of your efforts. You will recognize that you're happy to invest only where your work is going to be noticed and valued, not taken for granted. By prioritizing fulfillment of this need, you'll be saving yourself from inevitable burnout and vainly waiting for a dog treat from someone who only keeps empty nutshells in their pocket.

Crazy merry-go-round

Here we are talking about the sort of lifestyle where you have dozens of pages open in your browser, your mailbox and apps are filling up with messages marked “Urgent”, and your phone keeps ringing. You are have several books on the go all at the same time but as yet you haven't reached even half-way through any one of them. You can no longer filter what's important to you and what isn't, and the only thing you want is to switch off from everything at once.

How can you help yourself deal with being constantly bombarded by different tasks:

arrange your tasks in order of their deadlines and start by completing those with the closest “expiry date.” When agreeing to something always ask the magical question “When?” (When should I call you back? When will you send it? When will it be done?), as this will help to close mental programs running in the back of your mind in a constant state of uncertainty, devouring your brain's short-term memory.

turn off the notifications sound on your phone. You will hear calls coming in, but won't be distracted by tweets or Facebook messenger and you can start to review messages when it's convenient to you. Also, put your group chats on mute (school chats, parent chats, neighbours' chats) to avoid accidentally unleashing all kinds of hell.

do not force yourself to read the whole book if you've set yourself a goal like “read x number of books a year.” Read only those chapters that resonate with your inner pursuit of knowledge. Nothing bad will happen if you skip the boring parts – the author will not know and will not get upset.

do not be afraid to go over priorities with the person who set them for you (director, departmental manager). Let them decide what is more important to them right now. By doing so, your boss will be aware of which task you're working on today and which one you've shuffled to the back, and you'll stop him appearing at your desk asking: “Why are you doing this when I needed that on my desk yesterday?” (You'll be saving your mood from being spoiled for the whole day to come).

remember to use the phrase: “I need some time to think.” Yes, you do have the right to say that. Always.

A burning desire to have everything right here, right now

First of all, try to find out how long an offer you are interested in is good for. Many offers regularly come round again and aren't likely to disappear for good. This means you can either take part in it now or wait and do it in half a year or a year once you've read the small print (along the way, you'll also figure out if you still want it).

As a rule, questions to help you organise a list of offer priorities include:

“How long this will be available for?”;

“Of the offers that are about to run out, what is it that especially interests me?” (Identify what it is that makes you to “squeal and jump up for joy”);

“Do I have to be physically present or can I get what is important for me remotely?” (In the form of a recording, written materials, or a summary; for some people it would be enough to just listen to their friends' impressions to get the sense they've attended an event themselves.)

Also, before you add another “very important” task to your planner, check if you even have enough room for it in your life. Let me tell you a story.

My neighbour Lena once messaged me: “I have a young gooseberry plant. Do you want it?” Without giving it a second thought, I replied: “Yes, of course!” and cheerfully went to pick it up. When I got home, I spent a full twenty (!) minutes walking round my garden, holding a seedling in my hands, and looking for a good place to plant it. – It'll get ruined over here when my child runs around; over there – it might get destroyed when my husband mows the grass; right here – I cannot plant anything at all, as everything will get crushed when we replace the fence. We have an old, long-established garden where every little piece of soil has already been accounted for. I walked around again and again, and suddenly realized that I was angry and agitated – “Trouble comes to those who seek it.” I finally found somewhere to plant it, but I became one gooseberry-plant wiser. Now, before asking for more pills to cure greed, I check how many more of them I have left.