Glasses

CHAPTER IX

She left me, after she had been introduced, in no suspense about her present motive; she was on the contrary in a visible fever to enlighten me; but I promptly learned that for the alarm with which she pitiably panted our young man was not accountable.  She had but one thought in the world, and that thought was for Lord Iffield.  I had the strangest saddest scene with her, and if it did me no other good it at least made me at last completely understand why insidiously, from the first, she had struck me as a creature of tragedy.  In showing me the whole of her folly it lifted the curtain of her misery.  I don’t know how much she meant to tell me when she came—I think she had had plans of elaborate misrepresentation; at any rate she found it at the end of ten minutes the simplest way to break down and sob, to be wretched and true.  When she had once begun to let herself go the movement took her off her feet; the relief of it was like the cessation of a cramp.  She shared in a word her long secret, she shifted her sharp pain.  She brought, I confess, tears to my own eyes, tears of helpless tenderness for her helpless poverty.  Her visit however was not quite so memorable in itself as in some of its consequences, the most immediate of which was that I went that afternoon to see Geoffrey Dawling, who had in those days rooms in Welbeck Street, where I presented myself at an hour late enough to warrant the supposition that he might have come in.  He had not come in, but he was expected, and I was invited to enter and wait for him: a lady, I was informed, was already in his sitting-room.  I hesitated, a little at a loss: it had wildly coursed through my brain that the lady was perhaps Flora Saunt.  But when I asked if she were young and remarkably pretty I received so significant a “No sir!” that I risked an advance and after a minute in this manner found myself, to my astonishment, face to face with Mrs. Meldrum.

“Oh you dear thing,” she exclaimed, “I’m delighted to see you: you spare me another compromising démarche!  But for this I should have called on you also.  Know the worst at once: if you see me here it’s at least deliberate—it’s planned, plotted, shameless.  I came up on purpose to see him, upon my word I’m in love with him.  Why, if you valued my peace of mind, did you let him the other day at Folkestone dawn upon my delighted eyes?  I found myself there in half an hour simply infatuated with him.  With a perfect sense of everything that can be urged against him I hold him none the less the very pearl of men.  However, I haven’t come up to declare my passion—I’ve come to bring him news that will interest him much more.  Above all I’ve come to urge upon him to be careful.”

“About Flora Saunt?”

“About what he says and does: he must be as still as a mouse!  She’s at last really engaged.”

“But it’s a tremendous secret?”  I was moved to mirth.

“Precisely: she wired me this noon, and spent another shilling to tell me that not a creature in the world is yet to know it.”

“She had better have spent it to tell you that she had just passed an hour with the creature you see before you.”

“She has just passed an hour with every one in the place!” Mrs. Meldrum cried.  “They’ve vital reasons, she says, for it’s not coming out for a month.  Then it will be formally announced, but meanwhile her rejoicing is wild.  I daresay Mr. Dawling already knows and, as it’s nearly seven o’clock, may have jumped off London Bridge.  But an effect of the talk I had with him the other day was to make me, on receipt of my telegram, feel it to be my duty to warn him in person against taking action, so to call it, on the horrid certitude which I could see he carried away with him.  I had added somehow to that certitude.  He told me what you had told him you had seen in your shop.”

Mrs. Meldrum, I perceived, had come to Welbeck Street on an errand identical with my own—a circumstance indicating her rare sagacity, inasmuch as her ground for undertaking it was a very different thing from what Flora’s wonderful visit had made of mine.  I remarked to her that what I had seen in the shop was sufficiently striking, but that I had seen a great deal more that morning in my studio.  “In short,” I said, “I’ve seen everything.”

She was mystified.  “Everything?”

“The poor creature is under the darkest of clouds.  Oh she came to triumph, but she remained to talk something in the nature of sense!  She put herself completely in my hands—she does me the honour to intimate that of all her friends I’m the most disinterested.  After she had announced to me that Lord Iffield was utterly committed to her and that for the present I was absolutely the only person in the secret, she arrived at her real business.  She had had a suspicion of me ever since that day at Folkestone when I asked her for the truth about her eyes.  The truth is what you and I both guessed.  She’s in very bad danger.”

“But from what cause?  I, who by God’s mercy have kept mine, know everything that can be known about eyes,” said Mrs. Meldrum.

“She might have kept hers if she had profited by God’s mercy, if she had done in time, done years ago, what was imperatively ordered her; if she hadn’t in fine been cursed with the loveliness that was to make her behaviour a thing of fable.  She may still keep her sight, or what remains of it, if she’ll sacrifice—and after all so little—that purely superficial charm.  She must do as you’ve done; she must wear, dear lady, what you wear!”

What my companion wore glittered for the moment like a melon-frame in August.  “Heaven forgive her—now I understand!”  She flushed for dismay.

But I wasn’t afraid of the effect on her good nature of her thus seeing, through her great goggles, why it had always been that Flora held her at such a distance.  “I can’t tell you,” I said, “from what special affection, what state of the eye, her danger proceeds: that’s the one thing she succeeded this morning in keeping from me.  She knows it herself perfectly; she has had the best advice in Europe.  ‘It’s a thing that’s awful, simply awful’—that was the only account she would give me.  Year before last, while she was at Boulogne, she went for three days with Mrs. Floyd-Taylor to Paris.  She there surreptitiously consulted the greatest man—even Mrs. Floyd-Taylor doesn’t know.  Last autumn in Germany she did the same.  ‘First put on certain special spectacles with a straight bar in the middle: then we’ll talk’—that’s practically what they say.  What she says is that she’ll put on anything in nature when she’s married, but that she must get married first.  She has always meant to do everything as soon as she’s married.  Then and then only she’ll be safe.  How will any one ever look at her if she makes herself a fright?  How could she ever have got engaged if she had made herself a fright from the first?  It’s no use to insist that with her beauty she can never be a fright.  She said to me this morning, poor girl, the most characteristic, the most harrowing things.  ‘My face is all I have—and such a face!  I knew from the first I could do anything with it.  But I needed it all—I need it still, every exquisite inch of it.  It isn’t as if I had a figure or anything else.  Oh if God had only given me a figure too, I don’t say!  Yes, with a figure, a really good one, like Fanny Floyd-Taylor’s, who’s hideous, I’d have risked plain glasses.  Que voulez-vous?  No one is perfect.’  She says she still has money left, but I don’t believe a word of it.  She has been speculating on her impunity, on the idea that her danger would hold off: she has literally been running a race with it.  Her theory has been, as you from the first so clearly saw, that she’d get in ahead.  She swears to me that though the ‘bar’ is too cruel she wears when she’s alone what she has been ordered to wear.  But when the deuce is she alone?  It’s herself of course that she has swindled worst: she has put herself off, so insanely that even her conceit but half accounts for it, with little inadequate concessions, little false measures and preposterous evasions and childish hopes.  Her great terror is now that Iffield, who already has suspicions, who has found out her pince-nez but whom she has beguiled with some unblushing hocus-pocus, may discover the dreadful facts; and the essence of what she wanted this morning was in that interest to square me, to get me to deny indignantly and authoritatively (for isn’t she my ‘favourite sitter?’) that she has anything in life the matter with any part of her.  She sobbed, she ‘went on,’ she entreated; after we got talking her extraordinary nerve left her and she showed me what she has been through—showed me also all her terror of the harm I could do her.  ‘Wait till I’m married! wait till I’m married!’  She took hold of me, she almost sank on her knees.  It seems to me highly immoral, one’s participation in her fraud; but there’s no doubt that she must be married: I don’t know what I don’t see behind it!  Therefore,” I wound up, “Dawling must keep his hands off.”

Mrs. Meldrum had held her breath; she gave out a long moan.  “Well, that’s exactly what I came here to tell him.”

“Then here he is.”  Our host, all unprepared, his latchkey still in his hand, had just pushed open the door and, startled at finding us, turned a frightened look from one to the other, wondering what disaster we were there to announce or avert.

Mrs. Meldrum was on the spot all gaiety.  “I’ve come to return your sweet visit.  Ah,” she laughed, “I mean to keep up the acquaintance!”

“Do—do,” he murmured mechanically and absently, continuing to look at us.  Then he broke out: “He’s going to marry her.”

I was surprised.  “You already know?”

He produced an evening paper, which he tossed down on the table.  “It’s in that.”

“Published—already?” I was still more surprised.

“Oh Flora can’t keep a secret!”—Mrs. Meldrum made it light.  She went up to poor Dawling and laid a motherly hand upon him.

“It’s all right—it’s just as it ought to be: don’t think about her ever any more.”  Then as he met this adjuration with a stare from which thought, and of the most defiant and dismal, fairly protruded, the excellent woman put up her funny face and tenderly kissed him on the cheek.

CHAPTER X

I have spoken of these reminiscences as of a row of coloured beads, and I confess that as I continue to straighten out my chaplet I am rather proud of the comparison.  The beads are all there, as I said—they slip along the string in their small smooth roundness.  Geoffrey Dawling accepted as a gentleman the event his evening paper had proclaimed; in view of which I snatched a moment to nudge him a hint that he might offer Mrs. Meldrum his hand.  He returned me a heavy head-shake, and I judged that marriage would henceforth strike him very much as the traffic of the street may strike some poor incurable at the window of an hospital.  Circumstances arising at this time led to my making an absence from England, and circumstances already existing offered him a firm basis for similar action.  He had after all the usual resource of a Briton—he could take to his boats, always drawn up in our background.  He started on a journey round the globe, and I was left with nothing but my inference as to what might have happened.  Later observation however only confirmed my belief that if at any time during the couple of months after Flora Saunt’s brilliant engagement he had made up, as they say, to the good lady of Folkestone, that good lady would not have pushed him over the cliff.  Strange as she was to behold I knew of cases in which she had been obliged to administer that shove.  I went to New York to paint a couple of portraits; but I found, once on the spot, that I had counted without Chicago, where I was invited to blot out this harsh discrimination by the production of some dozen.  I spent a year in America and should probably have spent a second had I not been summoned back to England by alarming news from my mother.  Her strength had failed, and as soon as I reached London I hurried down to Folkestone, arriving just at the moment to offer a welcome to some slight symptom of a rally.  She had been much worse but was now a little better; and though I found nothing but satisfaction in having come to her I saw after a few hours that my London studio, where arrears of work had already met me, would be my place to await whatever might next occur.  Yet before returning to town I called on Mrs. Meldrum, from whom I had not had a line, and my view of whom, with the adjacent objects, as I had left them, had been intercepted by a luxuriant foreground.

Before I had gained her house I met her, as I supposed, coming toward me across the down, greeting me from afar with the familiar twinkle of her great vitreous badge; and as it was late in the autumn and the esplanade a blank I was free to acknowledge this signal by cutting a caper on the grass.  My enthusiasm dropped indeed the next moment, for I had seen in a few more seconds that the person thus assaulted had by no means the figure of my military friend.  I felt a shock much greater than any I should have thought possible when on this person’s drawing near I knew her for poor little Flora Saunt.  At what moment she had recognised me belonged to an order of mysteries over which, it quickly came home to me, one would never linger again: once we were face to face it so chiefly mattered that I should succeed in looking entirely unastonished.  All I at first saw was the big gold bar crossing each of her lenses, over which something convex and grotesque, like the eyes of a large insect, something that now represented her whole personality, seemed, as out of the orifice of a prison, to strain forward and press.  The face had shrunk away: it looked smaller, appeared even to look plain; it was at all events, so far as the effect on a spectator was concerned, wholly sacrificed to this huge apparatus of sight.  There was no smile in it, and she made no motion to take my offered hand.

“I had no idea you were down here!” I said and I wondered whether she didn’t know me at all or knew me only by my voice.

“You thought I was Mrs. Meldrum,” she ever so quietly answered.

It was just this low pitch that made me protest with laughter.  “Oh yes, you have a tremendous deal in common with Mrs. Meldrum!  I’ve just returned to England after a long absence and I’m on my way to see her.  Won’t you come with me?”  It struck me that her old reason for keeping clear of our friend was well disposed of now.

“I’ve just left her.  I’m staying with her.”  She stood solemnly fixing me with her goggles.  “Would you like to paint me now?” she asked.  She seemed to speak, with intense gravity, from behind a mask or a cage.

There was nothing to do but treat the question still with high spirits.  “It would be a fascinating little artistic problem!”  That something was wrong it wasn’t difficult to see, but a good deal more than met the eye might be presumed to be wrong if Flora was under Mrs. Meldrum’s roof.  I hadn’t for a year had much time to think of her, but my imagination had had ground for lodging her in more gilded halls.  One of the last things I had heard before leaving England was that in commemoration of the new relationship she had gone to stay with Lady Considine.  This had made me take everything else for granted, and the noisy American world had deafened my care to possible contradictions.  Her spectacles were at present a direct contradiction; they seemed a negation not only of new relationships but of every old one as well.  I remember nevertheless that when after a moment she walked beside me on the grass I found myself nervously hoping she wouldn’t as yet at any rate tell me anything very dreadful; so that to stave off this danger I harried her with questions about Mrs. Meldrum and, without waiting for replies, became profuse on the subject of my own doings.  My companion was finely silent, and I felt both as if she were watching my nervousness with a sort of sinister irony and as if I were talking to some different and strange person.  Flora plain and obscure and dumb was no Flora at all.  At Mrs. Meldrum’s door she turned off with the observation that as there was certainly a great deal I should have to say to our friend she had better not go in with me.  I looked at her again—I had been keeping my eyes away from her—but only to meet her magnified stare.  I greatly desired in truth to see Mrs. Meldrum alone, but there was something so grim in the girl’s trouble that I hesitated to fall in with this idea of dropping her.  Yet one couldn’t express a compassion without seeming to take for granted more trouble than there actually might have been.  I reflected that I must really figure to her as a fool, which was an entertainment I had never expected to give her.  It rolled over me there for the first time—it has come back to me since—that there is, wondrously, in very deep and even in very foolish misfortune a dignity still finer than in the most inveterate habit of being all right.  I couldn’t have to her the manner of treating it as a mere detail that I was face to face with a part of what, at our last meeting, we had had such a scene about; but while I was trying to think of some manner that I could have she said quite colourlessly, though somehow as if she might never see me again: “Good-bye.  I’m going to take my walk.”

“All alone?”

She looked round the great bleak cliff-top.  “With whom should I go?  Besides I like to be alone—for the present.”

This gave me the glimmer of a vision that she regarded her disfigurement as temporary, and the confidence came to me that she would never, for her happiness, cease to be a creature of illusions.  It enabled me to exclaim, smiling brightly and feeling indeed idiotic: “Oh I shall see you again!  But I hope you’ll have a very pleasant walk.”

“All my walks are pleasant, thank you—they do me such a lot of good.”  She was as quiet as a mouse, and her words seemed to me stupendous in their wisdom.  “I take several a day,” she continued.  She might have been an ancient woman responding with humility at the church door to the patronage of the parson.  “The more I take the better I feel.  I’m ordered by the doctors to keep all the while in the air and go in for plenty of exercise.  It keeps up my general health, you know, and if that goes on improving as it has lately done everything will soon be all right.  All that was the matter with me before—and always; it was too reckless!—was that I neglected my general health.  It acts directly on the state of the particular organ.  So I’m going three miles.”

I grinned at her from the doorstep while Mrs. Meldrum’s maid stood there to admit me.  “Oh I’m so glad,” I said, looking at her as she paced away with the pretty flutter she had kept and remembering the day when, while she rejoined Lord Iffield, I had indulged in the same observation.  Her air of assurance was on this occasion not less than it had been on that; but I recalled that she had then struck me as marching off to her doom.  Was she really now marching away from it?