Before He Envies

CHAPTER SIX

It was one fifteen Nebraska time when her plane landed in Lincoln. She had spent the bulk of the flight trying to plan out how the trip would go. But it wasn’t until she heard the wheels squealing on the landing strip that she knew she simply needed to pull the bandage off and get it over with. She could still enjoy that night to herself in a luxurious motel room—which she had already booked. And she could do it after getting the hard part out of the way.

She’d used bureau resources in a kind of sketchy way to find out that her mother was still working in the same position she had been when they’d crossed paths a little over a year ago. She was still part of the cleaning crew at a Holiday Inn located in the small town of Boone’s Mill. And as it just so happened, Boone’s Mill was two hours away from Belton, the little town she had grown up in—a town she planned to visit before she headed back home.

Another urge struck her as she sidled up to the rent-a-car station in the airport twenty minutes later. She knew that about half an hour from this very airport was the building where she had started her career as a detective. She thought of the man she had worked with for nearly three years before the FBI had courted her—a man named Walter Porter who, somewhere behind his distaste of having to work with a woman and his ingrained sexism, had actually taught her a great deal about what it took to be an effective enforcer of the law. She wondered what he was up to. He’d likely be retied by now, but being back here, so close to the station, made her want to catch up with him.

One scab at a time, she told herself as she collected the keys from a grouchy woman behind the counter.

Once she got on the road, Mackenzie pulled up the number to her mother’s Holiday Inn, just to make sure she was working. As it turned out, her shift ended in half an hour, which would put Mackenzie about an hour outside of being able to meet her mother at the hotel. That wasn’t too big of a concern, though, as Mackenzie also had her mother’s home address to go by.

She was surprised to find that the flat land and familiar atmosphere of Nebraska calmed her significantly. There was no anxiety or fear about meeting her mother. If anything, the open land and sky made her miss Kevin. When she realized that she had not been away from him for this long, her heart sagged in her chest. For a moment, it was hard to breathe. But then she thought of Ellington and Kevin, together in the apartment as the day came to a close. Ellington was an outstanding father, in ways that were still surprising her on a daily basis. She started to understand that perhaps Ellington needed this time alone with his son just as badly as she needed this time to venture back into her past to try to mend bridges with her mother.

If these are the emotions all parents go through, she thought, maybe I have been giving my mother too hard of a time.

Of all of the thoughts that had been rolling through her head as soon as she had stepped foot on the plane in DC, it was this one that brought tears to her eyes. She knew her father had dealt with a few of his own demons, though the nature of them had been vague at best because her mother had never trashed him in front of her or Stephanie. Mackenzie tried to then apply that to the fact that her mother had been left a widow, with two girls to raise. It was very possible (and this was something Mackenzie had considered before) that she’d held such a high opinion of her father because he had died when she’d been young. As a young girl, she’d had no reason to doubt him or to see him as anything other than her own personal hero. But what about the mother who had tried to raise two girls, ultimately fail, and then receive the scorn of not only most of the community, but one of her own daughters as well?

Mackenzie managed a thin smile through the tears as she wiped them away. She wondered if these thoughts were suddenly becoming so clear because now she, too, was a mother. She’d heard about women changing many facets of their attitudes once they had a child but had never really considered it. But here she was, living proof of that theory, as she felt her heart begin to soften for a woman she had essentially demonized for most of her life.

Nebraska rolled by outside of the car, ushering Mackenzie back to her past. And for the first time since leaving the state, she found herself nearly eager to step back into that past and let the cards fall where they may.

***

Patricia White lived in a two-bedroom apartment six miles away from the Holiday Inn where she worked. It was located in a small complex that was not quite run down but definitely in need of some maintenance and attention. Mackenzie held her phone in her hand, the address and apartment number on her screen courtesy of some underhanded bureau resource use.

When she approached her mother’s second-floor apartment, she did not hesitate at the door or freeze in her thoughts as she had expected. She knocked right away, doing her best not to think about it too much. The only real question was how to start the conversation…how to ease into the waters rather than jumping in and dog-paddling uselessly.

She heard footsteps approaching after a few moments. When the door opened and she saw the look of surprise on her mother’s face, that’s when Mackenzie froze up. She wasn’t sure when she had last seen her mother smile, so the one that spread across her face made Mackenzie feel like she was looking at a different woman.

“Mackenzie,” her mother said, her voice thin and excited. “Oh my God, what are you doing here?”

“I had some time off and figured I’d come out and say hello.” It wasn’t a total lie, so she was okay with it for the time being.

“No call first?”

Mackenzie shrugged. “I thought about it, but I also knew how it would go. Besides…I just needed to get away for a while.”

“You okay?” She sounded genuinely concerned.

“I’m fine, Mom.”

“Well, come in, come in. The place is a wreck, but hopefully you can look past it.”

Makenzie stepped inside and saw that the place was not a wreck at all. In fact, it was quite tidy. Her mother had decorated minimally, making it easy for Mackenzie to spot the old picture of her and Stephanie sitting on the small end table by the couch.

“How have you been, Mom?”

“Good. Very good, actually. I’ve been saving up some money here and there, so I was finally able to get out of debt. I got a promotion at work…it’s still not much for a job, but the money is better and I manage a few ladies on the crew. How about you?”

Mackenzie sat down on the couch, hoping her mother would do the same. She was thankful when she did. She had never been a believer in saying You might want to sit down for this because it was far too dramatic.

“Well, I do have a bit of news,” she said. She started the slow process of opening up Photos on her phone and scrolling for a particular picture. “You know that Ellington and I got married, right?”

“Yes, I know. Funny that you still call him by his last name. Is that like a work thing?”

Mackenzie couldn’t help but chuckle. “Yeah, I think it is. Are you mad you missed out on a wedding?”

“God no. I hate weddings. That might be the smartest decision you’ve ever made.”

“Thanks,” she said. Her nerves were bubbling like lava as the next words came out of her mouth. “Look, I came out here because I have something else to share with you.”

With that, she held out her phone. Her mother took it and looked at the picture of Kevin in his little hospital blanket, two days old just before they left the hospital.

“Is this…?” Patricia asked.

“You’re a grandmother, Mom.”

The tears were instantaneous. Patricia dropped the phone to the couch and put her hands over her mouth. “Mackenzie…he’s precious.”

“He is.”

“How old is he? You look too good to have just had him.”

“A little over three months,” Mackenzie said. She looked away from the slight sting of pain that crossed her mother’s face. “I know. I’m sorry. I wanted to call sooner, to let you know. But after that last time we talked…Mom, I didn’t even know if you’d want to know.”

“I get that,” she said right away. “And it means the world to me that you showed up to tell me in person.”

“You’re not upset?”

“God, no. Mackenzie…you could have never told me. I would have never known the difference. I think I was fully prepared to never even see you again and…and I…”

“It’s okay, Mom.”

She wanted to reach out to her, to take her hand or embrace her. But she knew anything of the sort would feel forced and strange to both of them.

“I got a new blender last week,” her mother said, out of nowhere.

“Um…okay.”

“You drink margaritas?”

Mackenzie smiled and nodded. “God, yes. I haven’t had a drink in about a year.”

“Are you nursing? Can you drink?”

I am, but we’ve got enough stored up in the freezer.”

Her mother made a confused face but then burst into laughter. “I’m sorry. But this is all so surreal…you having a baby, storing breast milk…”

“It is surreal,” Mackenzie agreed. “And so is being here. So…where are we on those margaritas?”

***

“It was your last visit up here that did it,” Patricia said.

They were sitting on the couch, each holding a margarita. They sat on opposite ends, clearly still not comfortable enough with the situation.

“What about that visit?” Mackenzie asked.

“You weren’t overly rude or anything, but I saw how well you were doing. And I thought to myself, she came from me. I know I wasn’t a great mother…not at all. But I am proud of you, even if I didn’t have much to do with the way you turned out. It made me feel like I could make something of myself, too.”

“And you can.”

“I’m trying,” she said. “Fifty-two years old and finally out of debt. Of course, working at a hotel isn’t the grandest of careers…”

“Are you happy, though?” Mackenzie asked.

“I am. More so now that you’ve come to visit. And told me this wonderful news.”

“Ever since I closed Dad’s case…I don’t know. If I’m being honest, I think I just tried to push any thought of you right out of my head. I figured if I could put what happened to Dad in the past, I might as well put you there, too. And I was fully prepared to do that. But then Kevin came along and Ellington and I realized that we weren’t really giving our baby much of a family beyond the two of us. We want Kevin to have grandparents, you know?”

“He has an aunt, too, you know,” Patricia said.

“I know. Where is Stephanie?”

“She finally went ahead and made the move to LA. I don’t even know what she’s doing, and I’m afraid to ask. I haven’t spoken to her in about two months.”

Hearing this stung Mackenzie a bit. She had always known that Stephanie was something of a loose cannon when it came to any kind of stability in life. But still, she rarely stopped to think that Stephanie was yet another daughter who had chosen to live a life mostly detached from her mother. Sitting there on the couch, margarita in hand, it was the first time Mackenzie had ever bothered to wonder what it must be like for a mother to know that both of her children had decided that their lives would be better off without her in them.

“I feel like I should tell you I’m sorry,” Mackenzie said. “I know I pushed you away pretty much after Dad’s funeral. I was only ten, so maybe I wasn’t aware that’s what I was doing, but…yeah. I just kept doing it for the rest of my life. And here’s the thing, Mom…I want Kevin to have a grandmother. I really do. And I hope you might want to work on getting there with me.”

Patricia was again choked up by tears. She leaned crossed the couch, closing the distance between them, and wrapped her arms around Mackenzie. “I wasn’t there, either,” Patricia said. “I could have called or made some kind of an effort. But when I realized you had checked out—even as a kid—I let it go. I was almost relieved. And I hope you can forgive me for that.”

“I can. Can you forgive me for pushing you away?”

“I already have,” Patricia said, breaking the hug and sipping from her margarita to stem the flow of tears.

Mackenzie could feel her own tears coming on, and she wasn’t quite ready to be that open in front of her mother. She stood up, cleared her throat, and downed the rest of her drink.

“Let’s get out of here,” she said. “Let’s grab dinner somewhere. My treat.”

A look of disbelief crossed Patricia White’s face which was slowly dissolved by a smile. Mackenzie could not remember ever seeing her mother smile so wide; it was like seeing a different person. And maybe she was a different person. If she gave her mother a chance, maybe she would find that the woman she had pushed away for so long was not quite the monster she had convinced herself she was.

After all, Mackenzie was definitely a different person than she had been at ten. Hell, she was a different person than she had been a little over a year ago when she had last spoken with her mother. If having a baby had taught Mackenzie anything, it was that life could change pretty quickly.

And if life itself could change so quickly, why not people?

CHAPTER SEVEN

Mackenzie woke up the next morning with a very gentle hangover. Reconnecting with her mother over dinner had been nice, as had the few drinks they’d had afterward. Mackenzie had made it to her hotel room—the luxurious one she and Ellington had agreed upon—and slipped into the hot tub with a bottle of wine she had ordered from room service. She knew the two extra glasses she’d had while relaxing in the tub might be a bit too much, but she figured she deserved it after gestating a human being in her womb and having to forgo alcohol the entire time—not to mention the additional time without a drink while she was actively breastfeeding and pumping.

The slight headache she had as she got out of bed and started to get dressed was a small price to pay. It had been nice to be alone after slowly starting to mend things with her mother. They had caught up, shared some stories, shared some pains, and then called it a night. With plans to reconnect in a week or so, after Mackenzie had gotten back home and decided what to do about work, there was only one other thing on Mackenzie’s list of things to do while visiting Nebraska.

She felt like she had come full circle. Traveling here alone, seeing her mother, relishing the wide open spaces the state had to offer. Even though she was not one for sentiment, she could not ignore the draw to go back by her old station—the station where she started her career as a detective almost six years ago.

After grabbing breakfast, she did just that. It was an hour and a half drive from her hotel in Lincoln. Her plane did not leave for DC for another seven hours, so she had plenty of time. She honestly didn’t even know why she was going. She had not cared much for her supervisor and, as ashamed as she was to admit it to herself, she could barely remember anyone she worked with. She did, of course, remember Officer Walter Porter. He had served as her partner for a small stretch of time and had been by her side during the Scarecrow Killer case—the case that had eventually attracted the attention of the FBI and their pursuit of her.

All of the memories came trickling back as she parked her car across the street from the station. It looked so much smaller now, but in a way that made her proud to know it. More than nostalgia, it was a heartwarming familiarity.

She crossed the street and stepped inside, unable to stop the smile from touching the corner of her lips. The small entryway led to a receptionist-type desk, which was paneled in with a sliding glass. Behind the woman sitting at the desk, a small bullpen of sorts was set up and looked exactly the same as it had when Mackenzie had last stepped foot in the building. She approached the glass, delighted to find a familiar face, albeit one she had not thought of in a very long time, sitting behind the glass.

Nancy Yule looked as if she had not aged a bit. She still had the pictures of her kids perched at her desk, and the same little plaque by her phone, reciting a bit of scripture that Mackenzie could not remember.

Nancy looked up and it took her a few seconds to realize who had just walked in the door. “Oh my God,” Nancy said, getting to her feet and rushing to the door on the far side of the paneled wall. The door came open and Nancy came rushing out, capturing Mackenzie in a hug.

“Nancy, how are you?” Mackenzie said in the grip of the hug.

“Same old, same old,” Nancy said. “How are you? You look fantastic!”

“Thanks. I’m good. I just came out to visit my mother and thought I’d stop by to see my old haunts before I headed back home.”

“Is home still in DC?”

“It is.”

“Still with the bureau?”

“I am. Sort of living the dream, I don’t mind saying. Got married, had a child.”

“I’m so happy for you,” Nancy said, and Mackenzie didn’t doubt she meant it. A little flicker of sadness came to her face, though, when she added: “Though, I’m not so sure your visit here is going to be prove very happy. Just about everything around here has changed.”

“Like what?”

“Well, Chief Nelson retired last year. Sergeant Berryhill stepped up and filled in his place. Do you remember him?”

Mackenzie shook her head. “No, I can’t say that I do. Hey, would you happen to have an address or phone number for Walter Porter? I have a number for him but it hasn’t worked in quite some time.”

“Oh, sweetie, I forgot you were his partner there for a while. I….well, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Walter died about eight months ago. He had a pretty massive heart attack.”

“Oh,” was all that Mackenzie could think to say. She also wondered if she was a terrible person for not being too terribly saddened by the news. Honestly, though, he seemed like nothing more than a passing acquaintance at best.

“That’s terrible,” she said. She glanced back through the glass, into the bullpen and the hallways beyond where she had spent nearly five years of her life. This was the epicenter of where she had made her first arrest, solved her first case, pissed off her first male supervisor numerous times.

They were all fond memories, but they felt like nothing more than faded photographs.

“There might be a few officers out on patrol that you once worked with,” Nancy commented. “Sauer, Baker, Hudson…”

“I don’t want to interrupt anyone’s day,” Mackenzie said. “I was really just taking a walk down memory lane and—”

The buzzing of her cell phone from her pocket interrupted her. She grabbed for it instantly, assuming it would be Ellington with a story about something cute Kevin had done—or some medical issue. Their baby boy had been healthy for his entire three and a half months of life and they were just waiting for that first doctor’s visit.

But the name she saw on her display was absolutely not one she had been expecting while on her little sabbatical out to Nebraska. The display read McGrath.

“Excuse me, Nancy. I need to take this.”

Nancy gave a little nod and stepped back through the doorway toward her desk as Mackenzie took the call.

“This is Agent White.”

“Based on how you’re answering the phone, can I assume you’re going to stay with us?” McGrath said. There was no humor in his voice. If anything, it almost sounded as if he were trying to convince her.

“Sorry. Habit. I still don’t know yet.”

“Well, maybe I can help. Listen…I respect what you’re going through and appreciate the honesty you showed in my office the other day. But I’m calling to ask you something of a favor. Not a favor, really, because it’s technically part of a job you still have. But I got a call about a case an hour or so ago. It’s in Wyoming, so it’s out your way. And since you just happen to be out there, I thought I’d give you first crack at it. Seems like an easy one. You may not have to do much more than show up, check out a crime scene, and question a few people.”

“I thought you said you respected the conversation we had in your office.”

“I do. Which is why I’m offering you the case first. You’re already out that way, it looks to be simple…and I figure it could be a good test to see if your heart is still in it. You’ve also recently worked another case that was sort of similar from the looks of it. If you say no, that’s perfectly fine. I can get someone out there as soon as tomorrow morning.”

The feeling of her life coming full circle washed over her again. Here she was, standing in the station she had started out in as a hopeful officer with ambitions of being a detective—ambitions that she achieved in a very short time. And now here she was, speaking to a director with the FBI not even seven years later.

She looked to the other side of the glass, to the desks and offices and hallways. It was easy to see that space and recall the sense of purpose she’d had back then. She still felt it, but it was quite different as a cop just starting out, a woman on a force that was primarily men, wanting to make a difference in the world.

“How simple are we talking?” she asked.

“There’s suspicions that someone is pushing people to their deaths off of popular climbing sites. The latest one was in Grand Teton National Park. So far, there are believed to be two victims.”

“How do we know these aren’t just typical rock-climbing accidents?”

“There’s evidence of violence before the falls.”

Already, Mackenzie’s thoughts were sorting themselves out, trying to come up with answers even at this early stage. And because of that, she knew what her answer for McGrath would be. It had been nearly eight whole months since she had last done anything considered active in regards to her job; the amount of excitement that quickly overtook her as she gave her answer was welcome, but unexpected.

“Send me the case details and trip itinerary. But I want to be back home within two or three days.”

“Of course. I don’t see that being a problem. Thanks, Agent White. I’ll send everything I have to your e-mail.”

Mackenzie ended the call and felt as if she were standing in the middle of a very surreal dream for a moment. Here she was, standing in the first police station she’d ever worked in, ruminating on her past and trying to sort out her future. And now there was this call from McGrath, this unexpected case coming out of nowhere in the middle of it all. It felt like the universe was trying to sway her in her decision-making.

“Mackenzie?”

She was torn away from the absurdity of it all by Nancy Yule’s voice. She smiled and shook her head. “Sorry. Zoned out for a bit.”

“Seemed like an intense call,” Nancy said. “Is everything okay?”

Mackenzie surprised herself a bit when she nodded and said: “Yes. I think everything is just fine, actually.”