The Book Of Values

Caring

“The master of the garden is the one who waters it, trims the branches, plants the seeds, and pulls the weeds. If you merely stroll through the garden, you are but an acolyte.” ~Vera Nazarian

Caring does not imply liking what you are doing. It does mean paying attention to someone or something, and mindfully helping. Caring might involve doing favors, consideration, and empathy. It is the sensitive sharing of your time and self. As the quote above implies, it is tending the roses, even if occasionally their thorns prick you, still you watch over them.

Caution

“Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.” ~ Robert Frost

We teach our children to look both ways before crossing the street. That is caution. However, what about when we meet a potential mate, do we proceed with caution? Do we remain alert to red flags, or do we plunge ahead carelessly? Do we examine our motives when embarking on a new venture, analyzing the potential benefits and risks of that situation? We cannot guard against every imponderable. We would not be able to get out of bed if we did. But sober investigation and attention are necessary to avoid potential catastrophes.

Character

“Seven Deadly Sins:

Wealth without work,

Pleasure without conscience

Science without humanity

Knowledge without character

Politics without principle

Commerce without morality

Worship without sacrifice.”

~Mahatma Gandhi

Gandhi was a wise man. He encapsulated the meaning of character in a few short words. Wealth without work, in and of itself, might not negate character, but what one does with that wealth is quite telling about his or her character. If that wealth leads to a life of waste and pleasure without conscience, then character is absent. Sadly, such a person does not value character as a worthy state to be cultivated. This is where caution is useful. If one were to meet a potential life mate, would his or her wealth be a selling point? Look deeper.

Chastity

“To be carnally minded is to be spiritually dead” ~David O. McKay

Sex is all around us. Indeed, it is part of life. However, the media exalts sex as if the act were a sensation, an unusual activity. We are bombarded with images and scenes of orgiastic activity as if the directors in Hollywood invented it. Are they trying to convince us of something? That sex is fun, desirable, indispensable, or inevitable? Sexuality is natural, and the pleasure associated with it is natural. Chastity is selective, discerning sexual activity. Consider that all the creatures engage in sex, without caring or consideration for their partners. It is merely a reproductive imperative. However, for humans, to jump into bed with someone for the momentary pleasure is a base and ignoble act. Emotions are aroused during sex; lives are changed by sex; kingdoms have fallen because of sex. This is not an endorsement for celibacy; it is an invitation to a sober regard for oneself, for one’s partner, and by extension, all of society.

Cheerfulness

“I love those who can smile in trouble...” ~Leonardo da Vinci

Is an unpleasant experience in the morning likely to dampen your entire day? You rush to get ready for work, but the toddler has just flushed the car keys down the toilet; or the boiler developed a leak just as you prepare to leave to make your most important presentation to a new client; or you are stuck in killer traffic on a rainy day. Whatever it may be, too many among us will use such situations to be in a foul mood all day. The scenario goes something like: You have an unexpected event, get to the office and glare at the receptionist, then are curt with your secretary and slam the door to your office. You are not able to concentrate well on your work, all the time replaying the unpleasant event, which makes you even angrier as you remember the details. As luck would have it, the general manager is visiting the office, and wants to have a "word" with you. Oh, no, what did I do now? You leave your office, anxiously holding the report you submitted yesterday, and meet the general manager with a long face. Nothing untoward happens, but you are still upset. When you get home, you growl at your wife, tell your children to leave you alone because you had a bad day, and when the cat tries to slink against your legs, you kick it. You had an unpleasant morning and ended the day by kicking the cat.

How about another choice? Is it possible to deal with these events individually and as they occur? Surely, some of them cannot be dealt with on the spot: If the boiler springs a leak, you have to call the plumber and have it repaired. However, this is merely an inconvenience. Snarled traffic? Rainy day? Make sure you leave in plenty of time given the weather conditions. Listen to the traffic report. Be proactive. In addition, if you are still late, having done your best, explain and be done with it. If your toddler has flushed your keys down the toilet on a day when you are rushing to get to work, call the plumber to retrieve them, then resolve not to leave them again within reach of the baby. Whatever it is, deal with the events themselves as they occur, learn to compartmentalize them; learn to put them in perspective. Learn to recognize inconveniences for what they are. You do not have to respond with a bad mood. No, you are not having a "bad day.” You can choose your mood (your reaction to the inconvenience). There is no such thing as a “bad mood” – it is merely a choice.

So, choose cheerfulness. After all, why not?

Commitment

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits one-self, and then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unfore seen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”

~ William Hutchison-Murray

The dictionary definition of commitment is pledge or promise; obligation. A deeper definition is engagement, keeping one's word, being involved (in a cause or relationship), behaving with integrity.

Each word above is full of significance, but the most direct connotation for commitment is keeping one's word, adhering to promises made. It is embodied in the Golden Rule. So few follow that rule, even though so many profess to a deep religious faith. Doing onto others as one would have others do onto one is a direct reflection of trying to sustain harmonious relationships among our fellows. That means such simple things as arriving on time to an affair to which one has been invited. Do not treat an invitation casually. Extend yourself a bit beyond your own comfort zone; act with empathy to your host, and by extension, your fellow man. Imagine how you would feel, for example, if you prepared a large spread for 20 guests, yet only three showed up? Commitment is a promise – to others and to yourself. Commitment is a contract with others and yourself to keep your word, no matter what. It is thus that trust is established.

What about the commitment to complete a difficult task, from long years of advanced education to caring for a disabled child? Your commitment to the cause is your determination to keep going no matter what. It is dedication and steadfastness in the face of difficulties.

Commitment also invokes other unexpected abilities. As the quote above indicates, once we are committed on a course of action, the universe seems to converge in offering its answers and solutions to whatever may be obscure. Assistance seems to stream from many directions, often completely unforeseen.

Do the thing wholeheartedly.

Compassion

“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts, and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.” ~Albert Einstein

When we are compassionate, we feel another’s pain and pleasure. We are not separate from our fellows, be they poor homeless refugees or the rich and famous. We are all one.

This is the philosophical idea of altruism; it is an appeal for us to realize that we are all endowed with emotions that help us summon up the hurt of another and wish to help. This emotion is ingrained within us, as a means of ensuring cooperation and the continuation of our species.

Confidence

“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn't try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one does not need others' approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.” ~ Laozi

We are confident when we can trust in ourselves. Confidence is self-assurance, self-reliance, autonomy, and self-sufficiency. If I am asked to speak before a group, I may at first tremble and squirm with stage fright, but I know that I have the skills necessary to overcome my anxiety and face the audience with confidence. If I lose my job, I can rely on whatever talents and proficiencies I have developed over the years to secure another position. If I am self-reliant, I know my strengths, and can take the necessary steps to exploit them.

Confidence is not wishful thinking, but rather self-knowledge, independence and ability in various aspects of living. What are you good at?

Consideration

“Courteousness is consideration for others; politeness is the method used to deliver such considerations.” ~Bryant McGill

In the context of values, consideration is akin to compassion. It is a form of empathy for others’ feelings and schedules that requires a certain behavior designed to ensure that we do not inconvenience our fellows. If we have accepted an invitation, yet find ourselves unable to attend, it is considerate for us to be aware of our host’s schedule and plans, and offer our apologies in a timely manner. Consideration does not extend to flimsy excuses or transparent pretexts to evade obligations. It is thoughtfulness and caring for others.

Put yourself in someone else’s place.

Contentment

“The greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.” ~Martha Washington

Abraham Lincoln expounded on the philosophy of contentment, stating that man is as happy as he makes up his mind to be. The concept that one can choose his disposition is evidently far older than pop psychology. Lincoln himself suffered more setbacks and hardships than the average human being can endure, yet, lived with the vision that he, and only he, and not his circumstances, had the capacity to choose his level of happiness.

Whatever your circumstances, choose contentment. Choose acceptance of the blessings you have been given – for there are many.

Cooperation

“A choir is made up of many voices, including yours and mine. If one by one all go silent then all that will be left are the soloists. Don’t let a loud few determine the nature of the sound. It makes for poor harmony and diminishes the song.” ~Vera Nazarian

Man (and woman, of course) evolved to live in groups - just like the wolf and the whale, the dolphin and the elephant, the chimpanzee and the lion. Survival demands cooperation among the members of the group. In a pride of lions, the female hunts along with her sisters, while the males laze in the shade. This is as it should be. A pack of wolves hunts as a group, both males and females, but the hierarchy of feeding on the kill goes from alpha male to alpha female, and on down the line. These are all survival mechanisms that have evolved through the millennia. Humans, too, live in groups. Without cooperation, there would be no food, no safety, no shelter, and the species would perish.

This holds true for modern life as well. Even though our lives are harried, often frenetic, and we have become accustomed to living in our private shells in our cars, with our air conditioning and entertainment centers, separated by privacy walls, and protected by privacy laws, we are still are a group. We cannot escape this reality. In subtle or more explicit ways, cooperation among each other is essential for us to survive, physically, emotionally, and psychologically.

Courage

“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” ~Winston Churchill

Courage is scary. It means facing our fears. We all know that, but what exactly does this look like? Here are some examples. If you have been abused as a child, courage might involve standing up to the abuser, and letting it be known that you will no longer accept that treatment. Courage may mean distancing yourself or removing yourself from the situation.

Courage implies a measure of fear. If fear were not involved, no courage would be needed. It requires courage to embark on a Ph.D. program in your 50s – facing years of intense study, research, and experimentation, writing theses, defending them to intimidating professors, and having to stick to the program while the rest of your life waits in the wings.

If you wish to shed some pounds, courage is needed here, too. To abstain from favorite foods and favorite activities, or engage in increased exercise that may produce sore muscles and a long uphill battle requires courage. The courage to stick it out, stay the course, even when immediate results are not forthcoming.

The payoff for acts of courage is enormous. The quote, “Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain” has been attributed variously to Ralph Waldo Emerson and Mark Twain. Regardless, I am not sure that the death of fear is certain, but certainly, self-esteem increases in direct measure to the courage that is needed in a given situation. Fear is hard wired into our physiology. It is part of our reptilian brain, and serves us well to protect us from danger. But most situations we are customarily afraid of are either nonexistent or sheer fantasy. Of the things that are properly fear evoking, facing that fear may well be the only path to the other side.

Courtesy

“Courtesy is a silver lining around the dark clouds of civilization; it is the best part of refinement and in many ways, an art of heroic beauty in the vast gallery of man’s cruelty and baseness.” ~Bryant McGill

Courtesy is one of the ways we are distinguished from the lower animals. As the quote above indicates, courtesy elevates us from baseness, the cruel and survivalist tendencies of the uncivilized. Courtesy is the grease of social interactions. Courtesy is diplomacy and tact; it is wearing kid gloves when touching a sensitive subject. Courtesy is consideration. You may not like someone’s skirt or shoes, but do you gain anything by voicing your opinion? Even if your opinion were sought, what would you gain by being cruel?

Courtesy is gentleness toward our fellows. It is an awareness and empathy; it is a gift.

Creativity

“Creativity takes courage. ” ~Henri Matisse

You may think of creativity as an “artist” throwing a bucket of paint on a canvas, and then standing back to marvel at his handiwork. In fact, creativity is much deeper. Creativity implies coloring outside the lines with a purpose. It implies a good measure of courage, because frequently it is misunderstood. So, is throwing a bucket of paint on a canvas real creativity? It has not engaged the artist’s mind or soul. Simply, it is too easy. It does not involve observation or intelligence. It has little nuance. It is undisciplined and childish. You may argue that the most creative among us are, in fact, children – and that may be true, but the creativity innate in children is borne of experimentation, not experience. Creativity implies vision and inspiration as a function of experience. It is imagination fed by ingenuity. It might even imply some cunning as a means of discovery of the unconventional.

Curiosity

“Life is an adventure of passion, risk, danger, laughter, beauty, love; a burning curiosity to go with the action to see what it is all about, to go search for a pattern of meaning, to burn one's bridges because you're never going to go back anyway, and to live to the end.” ~Saul D. Alinsky

It is not just cats that are curious; nor little children. Curiosity is a quality that should be cherished, indeed, nurtured throughout life, even into old age. Were it not for curiosity, scientific discoveries would not occur; if not for curiosity about sound, symphonies would not be written; and if not for curiosity and a hunger for learning, the vast heavens would not have opened to our eyes.

Curiosity is the quality that asks, I wonder how this works. Why are certain creatures social, while others prefer to be loners, like the cheetah? Why do some develop dread diseases while others remain immune? How is it that certain bacteria are actually beneficial?

Curiosity demands that we step outside the lines, that we explore, survey our environment, appraise, and scrutinize what previously seemed so obvious. Curiosity is the child of all advancement, all discovery, even in our own lives. If not for curiosity, we would not inquire into the meaning of dreams. If not for curiosity, our imagination would shrivel.

Open your mind and heart. Ask why and how. Dare to wonder.

Decorum

Propriety and good taste in conduct and appearance. ~Merriam-Webster

In modern society, decorum seems out of place. After all, life has become so casual, so free and easy, in speech as in manner. It is as if decorum is a flashback to another time. Yet, consider the Northwestern University’s NCAA LaCrosse team, the Wildcats, invited to be honored by the President of the United States at the White House, who appeared on the appointed day wearing sundress and flip-flops. That created quite a stir in the media. The teacher enjoined them to “wear something nice.” Evidently, the young women interpreted that to mean a sundress and flip-flops. Somehow, decorum had not featured in these women’s consciousness - the connection between personal appearance and the concept of respect. Had they ever seen anyone meet the President wearing flip-flops? This attitude is akin to saying, “I don’t care who you are.” By contrast, even when meeting a group of preschoolers, the President himself appears dressed in a suit, shaking each hand in turn, and proffering a congratulatory speech to the class for having earned the honor of such a visit.

Decorum is good manners. Like please and thank you, it never goes out of style, and should be cultivated and tended like a delicate garden.