Read the book: «Justice»

To my own teenagers, my tweener and my toddler.

Please G-d, just keep them safe.

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Dedication

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Chapter 38

Chapter 39

Chapter 40

Chapter 41

Chapter 42

Chapter 43

Chapter 44

Chapter 45

About the Author

Also by Faye Kellerman

Predator

Copyright

About the Publisher

Prologue

He saw the flash before he heard the pop. The percussive ppffft that almost drowned out the moan. The head snapped back, lolling from side to side, then finally found a resting place slumped over the right shoulder. As blood dripped from between the eyes, he wondered if the bastard had ever felt a thing, he’d been so dead drunk.

The thought didn’t quell the shakes, his hands clay cold and stiff. For a while he heard nothing. Then he became aware of his own breathing. He crept out from his shelter and swallowed dryly. Tried to walk, but his knees buckled.

He melted to the floor.

Stayed that way for a long time. It could have been minutes, it could have been hours. Time was a black hole, a stupor of sleep and restlessness. Everything was shadowed and fuzzy.

Slowly, things came back into focus. The room, the floor, the bound body, the hole between the eyes. Blood had seeped onto the carpet, pooled around his shoes.

He stared, hoping tears would come. But they didn’t. They never did.

With great effort, he hoisted his gawky frame upward, nearly tripping over spindly legs. The curse of being tall at such a young age: He was all height, no muscle. Light-headed, sick from the smell of gunpowder, he let go with a dry heave.

He tried to walk but again fell forward.

He needed air—clean air.

He crawled on his hands and knees out the back door, pushing open the squeaky screen. Wrapping his hands around the porch column, he raised himself to his feet. His bicycle was still resting against the apple tree, leaning against the trunk because it didn’t have a kickstand.

He knew he had to tell someone. Even though she hated the jerk, Mom would still freak. That left only his uncle. Joey would take care of him. He had to get over to Joey.

He straightened his spine and inched his way over to his transportation. He gripped the handlebars, swung his leg over the seat. Pressing down on the pedal. Propelling himself forward.

Down the driveway and out onto the street.

Faster and faster, harder and harder, until wind whipped through his platinum hair.

He did a wheelie. He felt all right.

1

Pages 7 and 8 of the paper were missing. National news section. Specifically, national crime stories. Decker laid the thin sheets down, his stomach in a tight, wet knot. “Rina, where’s the rest of the paper?”

Rina continued to scramble eggs. “It’s not all there?”

“No, it’s not all there.”

“You’ve checked?”

“Yes, I’ve checked.”

“Maybe Ginger got to it,” Rina said casually. “You know how the dog loves newsprint. I think she uses it for a breath freshener—”

“Rina—”

“Peter, could you please distract Hannah from the dishwasher and get her seated so I can feed her? And take the plums out of the utensil basket while you’re at it.”

Decker stared at his wife, got up, and lifted his pajama-clad two-year-old daughter. She was holding a plum in each hand.

“You want a plummer, Daddy?”

“Yes, Hannah Rosie, I’d love a plum.”

“You take a bite?” She stuffed the fruit in her father’s mouth. As requested, Decker took a bite. Juice spewed out of the overripe plum, wetting his pumpkin-colored mustache, rills of purple running down his chin. He seated his daughter in her booster and wiped his mouth.

“You want a bite, Daddy?”

“No thanks, Hannah—”

“You want a bite, Daddy?” Hannah said, forcefully.

“No—”

“You want a bite, Daddy?” Hannah was almost in tears.

“Take another bite, Peter,” Rina said. “Eat the whole plum.”

Decker took the plum and consumed it. Hannah offered him the second plum. “Honey, if I eat any more plums, I’ll be living in the bathroom.”

Rina laughed. “I’ll take the plum, Hannah.”

“No!” the baby cried out. Her face was flushed with emotion. “Daddy take the plummer.”

Decker took the second piece of fruit. “Why do you keep buying plums?”

“Because she keeps asking for them.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to buy them.”

“As if you can resist her requests? I noticed the other day she was playing with your gold cuff links—”

“She likes shiny things,” Decker interrupted. “I like how you skillfully changed the subject, darlin’. What happened to the newspaper?”

Rina set a dish of eggs in front of Hannah and poured her orange juice. She shrugged helplessly. “What can I tell you?”

Decker felt nauseated. “Bastard struck again.”

Rina nodded.

Decker said nothing. But Rina could see his jaw working overtime. She said, “Cindy called this morning. She asked me to hide it from you. I shouldn’t have done it. But she sounded so desperate for an ally. She couldn’t handle you and her mother’s hysteria at the same time. Besides, there’s nothing anyone can do—”

“What do you mean, ‘There’s nothing anyone can do’?” Decker snapped. “I can do something. I can bring her back home out of that hellhole.”

“LA’s not a haven from crime—”

“It’s better than New York.”

“Not all of New York is like the area around Columbia, Peter.”

“Well, that’s just fine and dandy except Cindy happens to go to Columbia.” Decker got up from the dining-room table and walked into the kitchen, staring out the back window at his acre’s worth of ranchland. The riding corral was now a foot-deep mud pit; the stables had been battered from the recent storms. Behind his property line stood the foothills bleeding silt. His house was fine so far, the gunk at least five hundred yards away. But who knew? He had plenty of garbage to deal with here. He didn’t need problems three thousand miles away.

“Did you talk to her at all?” Decker asked.

“For a few minutes,” Rina answered.

“How’s she doing?”

Rina glanced at Hannah. “You want a video, muffin?”

The little girl nodded, licking egg-coated fingers. “Mickey Mouse.”

“You’ve got it.” Rina slipped the tape into the VCR, then walked into the kitchen. To her husband, she whispered, “How’s she doing? She’s shaken up, of course.”

“Goddamn police! This is the third one and they don’t seem one ounce closer to finding this maniac. What the hell are they doing?”

“That’s an odd thing for you to say.”

“I know incompetence when I see it.”

“So what do you propose to do, Peter? Go out to New York and handle the investigation yourself?”

“I’ve seriously thought about it. I was in sex crimes for over a decade—”

“Peter—”

“Maybe I’ll call the principal investigator—”

“You don’t have enough work at home?”

“It’s been a slow month.”

“Baruch Hashem,” Rina said, blessing God.

“Baruch Hashem,” Decker repeated. “Besides, this is my daughter we’re talking about. I want to make sure everything possible is being done.”

“I’m sure they’re working overtime. Just like you’d be doing.”

“Right. Overtime on doughnuts.” Decker grimaced. “I know I’m not being fair. Frankly, I don’t care.”

Rina sighed. “Peter, why don’t you go visit Cindy? I’m sure she’d be thrilled to see her six-foot-four detective father. She and all the other girls in the dorm. But go out as a protective father, not as a cop.”

Decker drew his hand across his face. “Son of a bitch! Preying on young girls like that. God, I swear, Rina, if I come face-to-face with that sucker, I’m gonna shoot off his you-know-whats.” He looked at his wife. “Was the latest one hurt? Of course she was hurt. I mean, was she beaten or anything?”

“No. Same MO.”

The MO. Bastard sneaked up on the girls, brought them down from behind, placed a large paper bag over their heads, and raped them from the back. The victims had described the violation as strong and painful but mercifully fast. Before they could utter boo, the monster had been upon them. Equally quickly, he seemed to vanish into the miasma. Cindy was a big girl, almost five nine, and in good shape because she worked out. But a five-nine girl could easily be bested by a five-six man in equally good shape. Daughters. Thank God his other two teens were boys—Rina’s sons. Not that he didn’t worry about them. At nearly fifteen, Sammy had height but he was still thin. Jake still had some growing to do, but he was just thirteen.

Decker’s head hurt. Thinking about his kids always gave him a headache. “I need to go out there, Rina.”

“I understand. I love Cindy, too. I think it’s a great idea.”

“Come out with me.”

“It would probably be better if she had you all to herself.”

“So go out and visit the relatives in Borough Park. The boys haven’t seen their grandparents in over a year.”

The boys’ grandparents, Rina thought. Her late husband’s parents. It was always a heartache to see them. But the boys meant so much to them. And then there were Peter’s recently discovered half siblings. “Everyone’s going to want to see you. At least to say hi.”

“Scratch the thought from your mind!” Decker paced. “You’ll just have to explain why I’m not there. I can’t handle Cindy and your little religious crowd at the same time.”

“They’re your relatives.”

“But they were your friends before they were my relatives. Don’t push me on this, Rina. Oh, just forget the whole thing. Stay home!”

Again, he glared out the back window, hands leaning against the kitchen tile. Welcome to Decker’s mud baths. He should sandbag the ground again, anything to sop up the moisture. On top of that, the sky looked threatening.

Seven years of drought followed by two years of floods. Not to mention earthquakes, fires, and riots. Decker wondered what plague was next. City was getting too damn biblical for his taste.

Rina walked up to her husband, slipped her arms around his waist, and rested her head on his back. “What do you want, Peter? Tell me.”

“Make it stop raining.”

“No can do. Next?”

He turned around. “What do I want?” He took his wife’s hands and kissed them. “I want you to come with me. I miss you terribly when I’m away from you and long plane rides make me depressed. So come with me to New York. But once we get there, leave me alone so I can deal with my daughter and my own anxiety.”

“So I’m to be your therapeutic escort.”

“And a damn pretty one, at that.”

Rina laughed. “I’ll come with you.”

Decker said, “Thank you. And … if I’m up to it … if I have the energy … I’ll come visit the relatives.”

“You look like you just sucked lemons.”

“It’s been a rather sour morning.”

Rina stroked her husband’s cheek. “I’m sorry you have to go through this, that we have to go through this. I’m very concerned, also. Kids. A life sentence in terror if you think about it. I’ll be happy to help you out. And yes, it has been a while since the boys have seen their grandparents. It’s very considerate of you to think of them.”

“I’m just a saint.”

“I believe the appropriate response to a compliment is a simple thank you.”

Decker smiled. “The boys can miss school?”

“Of course. How about we leave next Wednesday? I can still get discount tickets if I buy them a week in advance.”

“Fine.”

“You’ll call Cindy?”

“Yes.”

“And phone Jan, too,” Rina said. “Just to let her know you’re going.”

Decker looked pained. “Is that really necessary?”

“Peter, she’s Cindy’s mother. She’s worried sick about her.”

“I know, I know. She’s very angry I haven’t insisted that Cindy come home. As if she’s insisted. She just wants me to be the bad guy. Well, screw that! If she wants a—”

“Peter—”

“All right, all right. I’ll call Jan. I’ll even be civil.”

“A big stretch for you, dear?”

“A very big stretch for me, darlin’.”

2

The red Trans Am was following me. I’d known something was up from the look Chris had given me in orchestra. We’d been in the same class for over a year, and today’s stare had been a first. Only one reason why boys like him were interested in girls like me. Guess this one didn’t want to approach me in public.

The car slowed and honked. I stopped walking. Since parked vehicles were occupying the far right lane, the Trans Am was blocking traffic. The Jeep on Chris’s heel blasted its horn. He turned around, threw the impatient driver a dirty look, then sped up and pulled the car curbside a half block up. I jogged over. He rolled down the passenger window, told me to hop in.

“I’m not going straight home,” I said. “I’ve got to pick up my little sister.”

“Last I checked the car’s not a two-seater.” He waved me forward. “Come on.”

I opened the door and got inside, dumping my backpack on the floor. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Where are we going?”

“Just go straight.” My eyes were fixed on the front windshield.

Cars were bumper to bumper. Since the ’94 earthquake and the recent flooding by overzealous rain clouds, the West Valley had become a snarl at rush hour. Chris waited for a nonexistent opening. Headbanger music was screaming from his car stereo. It suddenly seemed to annoy him. He punched it off.

A Jetta stopped and waved Chris in.

“Thank you, sweetheart,” he said to himself. To me, he said, “How far are we going?”

“’Bout two miles up.”

“And you walk that every day?”

“It’s good exercise.”

“What do you do when it rains?”

“I take an umbrella. Sometimes, if it’s convenient, my stepmom will let me have the car.”

Chris paused. “You live with your dad and stepmom?”

“Yes.”

“Where’s your mom?”

I hesitated. The question was way too personal, but I answered anyway. “She died when I was born.”

Chris waited a beat, then raised his brow. “Your dad’s a good Catholic, huh?”

I looked at him, stunned. His face revealed nothing.

“The unbaptized before the baptized.” He pulled a crucifix from under his T-shirt. “Takes one to know one.”

I didn’t answer. In this city of religious nothingness, it was rare to find an overt Catholic boy, let alone one who looked like Christ.

He said, “What about you? Are you a good Catholic girl?”

“Good enough to feel guilty about my mother’s death.”

“The nuns must have had a field day with you.”

“Mostly my father.”

“What’d he say?”

“It’s what he didn’t say.”

He turned quiet. I stared at my lap.

“You still go to Mass?” he asked.

“Sometimes.”

“I go sometimes, too. Old habits are hard to break.”

I smiled and nodded. He was determined to talk. That being the case, I steered the conversation from myself. “You live by yourself, don’t you?”

“Yep.”

“So where are your parents?” I asked.

“They’re dead.”

“Both of them?”

“Yes, both of them.”

I felt my face go hot. “That was stupid.”

“No such thing as a stupid reaction.” He tapped on the steering wheel. “My mom died of breast cancer when I was thirteen. My father was murdered when I was almost ten. A gangland thing. I was hiding in the closet when the hit went down, witnessed the whole thing—”

“Oh, my God!” I gasped. “That’s dreadful!”

“Yeah, I was pretty scared.”

The car went silent.

“Only the upshot of the mess was I hated the son of a bitch.” He scratched his head. “So after the shock wore off, I was kind of happy. My dad was a two-fisted drunk. He’d get soused and pummel anything—or anyone—in his way. That’s why I’d been hiding in the closet. Lucky for me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have made it into double digits.”

I didn’t answer. I couldn’t think of anything to say.

“I don’t know why I’m telling you this,” he said. “Must be your confessional aura. How far is this school, Terry?”

“Oh, gosh, I’m sorry. We passed it.” I looked over my shoulder. “Turn left at the next light.”

Chris inched the Trans Am forward. “Distracted by our stimulating conversation?”

“I think the operative word is morbid.”

Out of nervousness, I started to laugh. So did he. He turned on the radio, switching to a classical station. Mozart’s Jupiter Symphony—good commuter music.

“So what’s your middle name?” he asked. “Mary or Frances?”

“Anne.”

“Ah, Teresa Anne. A respectable Catholic name.”

“And you?” I asked.

“Sean. Christopher Sean Whitman. A respectable Irish Catholic name. Is that the school up ahead?”

“Yeah. You’ll have to pull over. I have to fetch her.”

He parked curbside and I got out. In all fairness to my stepmom, Jean treated her biological daughter with as much apathy as she displayed toward me. Poor Melissa. I worked my way through the school yard until I spotted her. Usually when I arrived, I was tired, anxious to get home. But with Chris driving, I had the luxury of observing her at play.

My sister was attacking a tetherball, dirty blond pigtails flying in the wind. She had an intense look of concentration, little fists socking the leather bag, turning her knuckles red. Her opponent was a second-grade boy and she was clearly outmatched. But she put up a valiant struggle. After her defeat, she shuffled to the back of the line. I called out her name. She looked up and came running to me.

“You’re early!” she shrieked

“I bummed a ride home. Come on.”

“Will we be in time for Gornish and Narishkite?”

Melissa’s favorite cartoon show. It was off-limits by my stepmom and not without logic. The characters were a fat crow and an over-plumaged macaw. They had nothing better to do than peck out each other’s body parts.

I checked my watch. “If we hurry.”

“Yippee!” She jumped up and down. I picked up her backpack—an amber thing emblazoned with Simba from The Lion King—and slipped it over my shoulder.

She took my hand, half skipping as we walked, tugging on my shoulder. But I didn’t mind. Her hand was soft and warm. She smelled sweaty, but it wasn’t an unpleasant odor.

“I can’t believe I get to see Gornish and Narishkite. You won’t tell Mom?”

“I won’t tell Mom.”

“Who’s taking us home? Heidi?”

“Someone else,” I said. “This way.”

I led her over to the car, opened the door, and got her settled into the backseat. “This is Chris,” I said. “He was kind enough to offer us a ride home. Say thank you.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Chris answered.

“Is he going to pick us up tomorrow, too?”

“Don’t press it, Melissa.” I closed the door. “Besides, you have gym class tomorrow. Put on your seat belt.”

“I can’t do it. It’s too hard.”

I turned around, hanging over my seat as I looped the belt around Melissa’s waist, securing the metal into the latch. As I straightened up, I accidentally brushed against Chris and felt him immediately stiffen. I sat back and scrunched myself in my seat.

“Excuse me,” I said.

“What for?”

“I accidentally … never mind.” I looked out the window. “You need tutoring, Chris?”

“Yeah.”

“You could have just called.”

“I’ve got a unique situation. I’ll explain when we get to your house.”

I was quiet and so was he. Mozart, however, was working himself up into a lather. Chris parked the car in front of my two-story claptrap. It wasn’t a bad house, just in need of repair. The siding needed paint, the stucco was chipped, and the roof was old and leaky. We’d gone from two buckets last winter to five the last time it rained. The roof upgrade was supposed to be my father’s weekend project. Instead, he opted for hooch and sports on TV. My father was a passive lush—the kind who’d drink himself into a coma, gradually slipping away until Jean’s nagging became elevator music.

Chris helped Melissa out of her seat belt. Liberated, she sped to the front door, then raced upstairs as soon as I undid the lock.

“Uh, excuse me, young lady,” I called out to her. “The dishwasher is still full.”

“I’ll do it later,” she shouted from the top of the stairs.

“Famous last words,” I muttered. I shouted back, “Never mind. I’ll do it.” I turned to Chris. “Have a seat at the dining-room table. Can I get you something to drink? Juice? Soda? You know, I can even make you coffee I’ve got so much time.”

“Coffee would be great.”

I marveled at my good fortune, having gained the better part of an hour. I put up coffee, then looked in the fridge. Jean had prepared a chuck roast. I took it out.

“This’ll be shoe leather if I cook it now,” I said to myself. “Maybe I’ll turn down the heat and roast it slowly.” I said it into the oven and turned the temperature to 300 degrees. Then I went into the laundry room and threw the wet clothes from the washer into the dryer. I came back into the kitchen and took out lettuce and tomatoes from the vegetable bin. I washed them under the tap, shook them dry, then started making the salad. I glanced up and saw Chris staring at me from the dining room. I was so caught up in my routine, I had forgotten about him.

I put down the lettuce and dried my hands. “Coffee’s almost done.”

He came into the kitchen. “Do you do this every day?”

“Do what?”

“The cooking, the laundry … child care?”

“They wrote a story about me. It’s called ‘Cinderella.’” I fetched down two coffee mugs. “Tell you one thing, though. I’m not waiting for Prince Charming. I’d rather have a maid.” I turned the coffeepot off and took out some milk and sugar. “How do you like your coffee?”

“Just black.”

“A real man.”

“Very macho.”

I loaded my coffee with the accoutrements, went back into the dining room, and took my datebook out of my backpack. “I’ve got an opening on Monday at eight. Or I can give you an hour on Thursday at eight—”

“Terry, why don’t you sit down and let me tell you what’s going on?” He showed me the chair. “Please.”

I sat, then wondered why I was listening to him. It was my house, but he was playing host.

He took a sip of coffee and looked at me earnestly. “If all goes well, I’m slated to go to the Eastman School of Composition in New York next fall. I squeaked by my junior year. This time I don’t know what’s flying. I’m not a great student, but I can pass tests if I concentrate.”

I nodded.

He flipped a chunk of blond hair out of blue eyes. “Also, I’m away a lot. I play gigs.”

“Gigs?”

“I do fill-ins for ensembles, orchestras, small chamber groups. Once in a while, I even do solos in some of the smaller towns for special occasions. It’s usually for only one or two performances. But my time away includes another day or two for practice beforehand. So I can be gone as much as a week at a time. I miss a lot of class.”

He sipped more coffee.

“I talked to Bull Anderson. He says you charge fifteen an hour.”

“That’s right.”

“Then you’re going to make out like a bandit from me. ’Cause I figure I need five days a week, ’bout two hours a day. I need a teacher as well as a tutor. Are you up for it?”

He stopped talking. I stared at him. “That’s one hundred fifty a week.”

“You can add.”

“Classical music must be a high-growth industry.”

“Money’s not a problem. You save your dollars, Terry, you can earn yourself a fine set of wheels by spring break. What do you say?”

I paused. “Sounds great in theory.”

“The money won’t be theoretical.” He stood. “We can start tomorrow. I’ll pick you up at ten to seven, take you to my place, and have you back here by a little after nine.”

“That’s a big commitment for me, Chris. I need time for my other students. Plus there’s my own studying.”

He sat back down. “How about this? I’ll pick you and your sister up from school every day. That’ll save you five hours just like that.”

“I still have other students—”

“Terry, why don’t you open your appointment book and we’ll go through it together. Find a schedule that suits both our needs.”

I was being pushed, but the money was too tempting to protest. I opened my datebook. With some rearranging and haggling, we decided on four days a week—two hours a day, with Wednesday our day off.

“Mondays and Fridays I can come to your place at seven,” I said. “But Tuesdays and Thursdays it would be better if you just came here right after school. Melissa goes to gym so we’d have privacy. Sound okay?”

He took a pen and a sheet of paper from his backpack. “Tell me the schedule you want.”

I dictated. He wrote. “You’re left-handed,” I said.

“Yeah.”

“Don’t you play cello right-handed?”

“Yeah.”

“Isn’t it hard?”

He looked up from his writing. “I don’t know any differently. I play all my instruments right-handed.”

“What else do you play?”

“Anything with strings.”

“Violin?”

“Yep.”

“Are you a prodigy on violin like you are on cello?”

“Why? You want to exchange violin for French lessons?”

“No, Chris. I think I’m hopeless.”

He studied at my face. “Violin’s a hard instrument.”

“You’re diplomatic. What else do you play?”

“Viola, bass, mandolin, guitar. I started guitar when I was about twelve. Picked it up like that.” He snapped his fingers. “But then my mother died and I was taken into custody by an old-fashioned aunt. She thought electric guitar was a very rude invention. I was instructed to find a more suitable instrument. You want to do Tuesdays and Thursdays here?”

“It really would be more convenient. Are you still in contact with your aunt?”

“Nope. She died two years after my mom.” He looked up. “Natural causes, Terry. She was in her sixties.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You had a look on your face.”

“Just because a sixty-year-old woman seems old to be your aunt.”

“Yeah, she was old and old-fashioned.” He flipped his hair back again. “But she wasn’t without her good points. She fancied herself a real classy lady. I was a punk when I went to live with her. She reinvented my life. Sent me to private school, taught me about music and art. She even gave me diction lessons. I useda towk like a real Noo Yowkeh.”

I smiled. “You should have given your accent to Blake Adonetti.”

That got a laugh out of him. Encouragement. I was on a roll. I said, “Yeah, Blake’s trying very hard to be the resident street guy. Someone should tell him that street guys don’t drive Porsches, they don’t have neurosurgeons for fathers, and they don’t live in ten-thousand-square-foot houses. They also don’t mousse their hair.”

He said, “How do you know Blake?”

“I tutored him for a couple of months—chemistry. His dad harbors hope that Blake’ll be a doctor.”

Chris said, “You tutored him, you tutored Bull.”

“Yeah, also Trish and Lisa for a while. I went through most of your group—”

“They’re not my group.”

His vehemence took me by surprise. I looked away. “Sorry I pigeon-holed you. It’s just that our class is so large, one is more or less defined by one’s clique.”

He said nothing.

I kept blathering on. “I mean everybody has to hang out with someone. Being a B.M.O.C. is infinitely better than being president of the nerd squad, the honored post occupied by yours truly.”

He was still stone-faced. I gave up. “I’ll need your backpack … to see what classes you’re taking.”

He dropped his knapsack to the floor. “Funny how we see ourselves. Guys I know don’t find you nerdy. Matter of fact, they think you’re very pretty. Just a little … frosty. But that’s okay. It’s good to be picky.”

I felt myself go hot. He told me he’d see me tomorrow. I nodded, keeping my eyes on my shoes. I knew he’d left when I heard the screen door slap shut.

3

In school, Chris stayed with his crowd, I stayed with mine. I’d have liked to talk to him, but one never crosses party lines unless invited to do so. And Chris didn’t hand me the scepter. So I looked on from afar, seeing him laugh with the beautiful people, Cheryl Diggs giving him neck rubs. A righteous-looking troop—both girls and guys being lean and lovely—typecast for a syndicated TV school serial. I guess I would have played the odd girl out. Because that was what I was.

The dismissal bell rang and he made it to my locker before I did. He waited as I rearranged my books, then carried my backpack as we walked to his car. I reminded him that we didn’t have to pick up Melissa today. She went to gym with a friend whose mother drove them both. Jean did the pickup.

By six in the evening, I was expected to have finished the laundry, set the table, and prepared dinner. Afterward, Jean would load the tableware in the dishwasher. Unless, of course, she and my father had plans for that evening. Or Jean had a date at the health spa. In that case, my stepmother assigned cleanup to Melissa. Which meant she assigned it to me. When Jean yelled at me, I shined her on. But I hated it when Jean yelled at Melissa.

As talkative as Chris was yesterday, he was quiet as we rode to my house. Last night, I had gone through his backpack, scanned his textbooks, and flipped through his spotty notes. He wasn’t much of a student, but he was a great artist. His sketches seemed to be a cross between Matisse and Picasso. Just a few well-placed lines and there was an image. Amazing to me because I couldn’t draw a straight line.

I also discovered that he smoked and believed in safe sex, judging from the loose packets of condoms. He might be a practicing Catholic, but he was practicing other things as well.

As soon as we settled in, I made coffee. Sipping java, we went through his subjects one by one. He was way behind in his classes, and it took me some time just to find out his level. Once I did, we started with Geometry. My gift was numbers. I’d already completed advanced-placement calculus for seniors, and was doing studying on my own. His level of math was a cakewalk for me.

Chris wasn’t a terrible student. His attention tended to wander, so we took frequent breaks, but at least he was methodical. After two hours, he thanked me, paid me, and left.

The next evening I drove to his apartment. I don’t know what I expected, but I didn’t expect what I saw. His unit was on the top floor of a four-story building. He had a balcony that looked out on a one-hundred-and-eighty-degree view of the Valley. It was something out of an uptown movie set.

In actual size, the place was compact. The living area was a small open pocket separated from the kitchen by a bar-top counter. Under the counter were two high leather stools. The place had white carpeting and was furnished with a five-foot black leather sofa, a glass coffee table, and one skinny-looking modern red chair. The walls held two large, abstract canvases—one was minimalist, the other was covered in color. In another world, I might have asked about them. But I wasn’t here in that capacity. I came to do a job.

As he put up coffee, he gave me spare details of his life. He had moved out to Los Angeles a year and a half ago. Initially, his guardian had helped him financially. But now his work was enough to support him. He was completely independent, having turned eighteen around six months ago.

We studied at the countertop, sitting on stools. He asked me if he could smoke while we worked. I told him yes and thanked him for his consideration. He not only smoked, he also drank. Not much, just a couple of shots of Scotch over a two-hour period, but it bothered me. I didn’t like it, but it was his house. I was only hired help.

The next week went smoothly. He was always on time and always respectful. I would have liked more, but it was obvious he didn’t. That might have been painful, but rejection was nothing new to me.

A couple of times, I somehow got sidetracked, found myself telling him my dreams. I wanted to be a doctor, do top-notch research. I wanted independence and respect. He was a good listener. He’d missed his calling as a shrink.

After a few weeks of tutoring, he called me, saying he had a gig, he’d be away for a few days. When he came back, we were back to square one. Two weeks later, he was almost caught up with his classes and I was three hundred and sixty dollars richer. Five more sessions passed and my earnings topped the five-hundred-dollar mark. Chris placed three tens on my dining-room table.

I pocketed the money and thanked him. He stood and stretched. He was not only very tall, but also long-limbed. Fully extended, he could palm my eight-foot ceiling with little effort.

He said, “Tomorrow’s our free day, right?”

“Right.”

He gathered his backpack. “Then I’ll see you on Thursday.”

“Chris?”

“What?”

“I need a favor.”

He looked at me. “Shoot.”

“Can you keep the money you give me? Hold it for me at your place?”

He stared at me.

“I have my money hidden upstairs,” I said. “I’m afraid Jean’s going to find it and start asking me questions.”

“She doesn’t know you’re tutoring me?”

“She doesn’t know you’re here on Tuesdays and Thursdays. On Fridays, I’ve been telling her that I’m out with friends. She thinks I’m tutoring you once a week. Like I do with most of my students.”

“Why the subterfuge?”

I rubbed my hands together. “I’m afraid she’ll hit me up for some of the cash. You know … family obligation. I’m trying to save as much as I can for college.”

“She’d ask you for your money?”

I looked at the ceiling. “My father was laid off from work a couple of years ago. He started drinking heavily—”

“This sounds familiar.”

“No, no, he’s getting better,” I said, defending him and not knowing why. “He has a job now, but it doesn’t pay much. Jean’s as nervous as a cat.”

“So what does that have to do with you?”

“You don’t understand my stepmom. She won’t demand it. But she’ll … you know … the guilt. Look, if it’s too much—”

“Why don’t you just put it in the bank?”

“They’ll send the statements here. If I don’t get to the mail before she does, she opens my stuff.”

“Jesus!”

“Look, Chris. I don’t like her. But she takes care of my dad, keeps him sober enough to be respectable. So I don’t want to anger her. If it’s too much of a problem—”

“Give me the money. I’ll keep it for you.”

“Thanks.” I ran upstairs, retrieved my wad, and handed it to him. I laughed nervously. “One of the reasons why I never took drugs. I knew Jean would find my stash.”

He stared at me.

“I’m kidding!” I said. “I don’t do drugs. Actually, I don’t do anything except study. I’m a grind. It’s pretty pathetic.”

He kept staring at me.

“Look, just forget it.” I made a grab for my money but he pulled it out of my reach, then pocketed it.

“You want to go out for a hamburger or something, Terry?”

I became aware of my heartbeat.

“Just as friends,” he amended. “Nothing else.”

Crushed, I averted my eyes before my blighted hope slapped him across the face. “I have to make dinner.” I turned to walk away, but he held my arm.

“Believe me, Terry, it’s not you. It’s me. I can’t. I’m engaged.”

My eyes met his baby blues. “You’re what!”

“I’m engaged to be married.”

“You’re eighteen years old!”

“I know that.”

I couldn’t find my words. Finally, I managed to ask him who the girl was.

“Someone I’ve known forever. She lives back east.”

“And you’re serious?”

“Am I ever not serious?”

This was true. Chris had a good sense of humor, but he was a grave boy. Always organized and completely controlled. Just like me. Two hyperadults—had turned out that way because our families were nests of insecurity.

I threw up my hands. “I appreciate your honesty.” I bit my lip. “I guess I also admire your loyalty. That’s unheard of in this day and age. You must be deeply in love.”

“She’s okay,” he said.

“She’s okay? That’s it? She’s okay?”

“She’s okay,” he repeated.

“Chris, why are you marrying a girl that’s just okay?”

He shrugged.

Suddenly, it dawned on me.

Chris caught my look. “No, she’s not pregnant.” He patted his pocket. “I’ll keep your bread safe. Bye.”

He left before I could ask another question. And maybe that was good.

As usual, he was waiting at my locker after school. We walked to his car, neither one speaking. But he didn’t drive to my house. Instead he drove to the bank. He pulled into the parking lot and shut the motor.

“I feel funny keeping your cash. What if you need it and I’m not home?”

“I told you I can’t put it in the bank.”

“We’ll open up an account together. I’ll make sure the statements come to my house.”

I paused. “How cute. Like playing house.”

“Terry—”

“I still don’t understand why you’d marry a girl you don’t love.”

“I didn’t say I didn’t love her.”

“Do you?”

“No.”

I slumped in my seat. “This is none of my business, right?”

“Right.” He opened the car door, but I held his arm. Instantly, he stiffened. I jerked back my hand.

“Sorry.”

He closed the car door, looked at his arm, then looked at me. Without embarrassment, he said, “I have a problem with being touched.”

“I’ve noticed.”

“I’d like to go into the bank now. How about you?”

I didn’t move.

He raised his eyebrows. “Would you prefer to wait out here, Terry?”

“You’re very polite.”

“I was trained with manners—yessir, nossir. I wasn’t polite, I got the shit kicked out of me.” He started the car. “Bad idea. Let’s forget the whole thing.”

I started to place my hand on his arm, but caught myself and pulled it back.

“Sorry. I’m a touchy person.”

He killed the motor. “Terry, anyone touches me, I tense. It doesn’t mean I’m mad. As a matter of fact, it doesn’t mean much of anything anymore. It’s just a habit. So don’t worry about it, okay?”

“Doesn’t it get in the way?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean with your fiancée … if you don’t like being touched …”

He stared at me. I should have cut my losses and shut up, but I didn’t. “I noticed you carried … stuff … in your backpack.”

“Stuff?”

I felt my face go hot. “Never mind.”

“Do you mean condoms?”

If the earth had opened up, I would gladly have jumped in.

Chris said, “Are you asking if my peculiarity about being touched gets in the way of sex?”

My face was on fire.

“The answer’s no.”

I covered my face. “God, I am such a jerk!”

“You want to go into the bank now?”

I opened the car door and so did he. We sat at a desk titled NEW ACCOUNTS. The woman in charge wore a crepe wool suit of deep purple, with contrasting black velvet collar and cuffs. It was beautiful and I wondered if I could remember it well enough to copy it. I was very handy with pattern paper and a sewing machine.

She handed me an identification card. I started to fill it out. It had been at least eight years since I opened a bank account. By now, I had a driver’s license number as well as a Social Security number. I felt very important.

I was racing through my personal data when my eyes suddenly blurred. Small typed letters mocking me. I blinked hard, then moved on, but with less bravado. I handed the card back to Ms. Beautiful Suit, hoping she wouldn’t notice.

But she did.

“You forgot to fill out your mother’s maiden name,” she told me. She poised her pen, ready to catch my pitch.

I sat paralyzed.

Chris looked at me. “What’s wrong, Terry?”

My eyes darted between him and her. “I … don’t know it.”

Ms. Suit stared at me.

My eyes suddenly filled with tears. “I forgot it.”

“Forgot it?” Ms. Suit asked.

I felt so stupid. Chris said, “Can we phone it in?”

Ms. Suit was still staring at me. Finally she returned her eyes to Chris. “Certainly.”

Chris gave her the cash. Ten minutes later, she handed him a bank book. Transaction completed. I got up slowly, feeling like a fool.

Once seated in his car, I found my voice. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” Chris waited a beat. “Maybe we should call it quits for today. You look upset.”

“Her first name was Amy,” I said. “And I really did know her last name.”

“Terry, she died a long time ago. It’s only natural—”

“No, you don’t understand. I really knew it. I just forgot it!” I stared out the window but saw nothing. “There were grandparents. I don’t know what happened to them.”

“Why don’t you ask your dad?”

“If I ask him anything about my mother, he gets weird. And if Jean overheard …”

I turned to face him.

“I was five when he met Jean. Soon after, he went through the closets and threw my mother’s stuff out—pictures, clothes, mementos, anything that reminded him of her.” My eyes widened. “Except …”

“What?” Chris asked.

I didn’t answer. We rode back to my house in silence. When we got there, I leaped out of the car and dashed into my father’s den. Chris found me rummaging through the drawers like a bag lady sorting through garbage.

“What are you looking for, Terry?”

I barely heard him, kept digging until I hit success. The brittle newspaper clipping had yellowed with age, but it was still legible.

“It’s Reilly. Her name was Amy Reilly.” I showed him the obit. “It’s such an easy name, I can’t believe I forgot it.”

I read aloud. “… survived by her husband, William McLaughlin, infant daughter, Teresa Anne, and parents, Mary and Robert Reilly of Chicago, Illinois.” I stopped reading. “I wonder if they still live there.”

Chris said, “Why don’t you call and find out?”

“Oh, no, I couldn’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“I just couldn’t.” I searched my brain for images to match the names. None came. “They must have had their reasons for breaking off contact with me.”

“I doubt that, Terry. I’m sure they’d love to hear from you.”

“I’m not going to call them.” My eyes settled back onto the obit. With shaking hands, I held it out to Chris. “Can you keep this for me, too?”

He took the clipping. “Are we on for tomorrow night?”

I took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. “I can work now if you want.”

Chris studied my face. “All right. I’ll get my books from the car.”

“Chris?”

“What?”

“What’s her name?”

He rolled his eyes. “You ask a lot of questions. It can get you into trouble.”

I said nothing, continued to wait him out. Finally, he said, “Lorraine.”

4

The next evening, as soon as I walked inside Chris’s apartment, he handed me a slip of paper—the name of my grandparents with an accompanying phone number. He closed the door, beckoning me forward with a crooked finger. He pointed to the countertop.

“I found the number, but you make the call. There’s the phone.”

My eyes returned to the slip of paper. “I can’t do it.”

“Terry, just pick up the phone and punch in the numbers. Underground cables will do the rest.”

I couldn’t move.

Chris blew out air, then snatched the number from my trembling hands. “It’s a good thing you’re smart. Because you’d never make it on aggression.”

He lifted the receiver, but I ran to the phone and depressed the hang-up button. “Please don’t.” My voice cracked. “It’s probably too late over there anyway.”

“It’s nine in the evening Chicago time. I’m sure they’re up.”

As soon as he started pressing the numbers, I tried to grab the phone again. But this time he held it above his head, out of my reach.

My stomach was suddenly a wave pool of acid. I could hear the phone ring, I could hear someone pick up. Chris started talking and I started dying.

“Hello, my name is Christopher Whitman, and I’m a friend of your granddaughter, Teresa McLaugh—Hello?”

“She hung up?” I whispered.

Chris waved me off. Into the phone, he said, “Yes, I’m still here … you can ask her yourself. She’s standing right next to me. Would you like to speak with her?”

Chris held the receiver out to me.

“She’d like to speak with you.”

Slowly, I took the handset. My hand was cold and clammy and I almost dropped the phone. I leaned against the counter for support and cleared my throat. “Hi.”

“Teresa?”

The voice on the other end was frail and choked with emotion.

“How are you, Grandma?”

“Oh, my God!” She paused. “You sound just like … excuse me … I think I’m going to cry.”

I beat her to it. Tears started streaming down my face. My past had been closed for so many years. And suddenly, without warning, the door had swung wide open. We both started talking at the same time, then we both started laughing, then crying.

I heard a beeper go off. I looked up. I hadn’t realized that Chris carried a pager. He put on a leather jacket.

“I’ll be back.”

“What?” I suddenly started shaking uncontrollably. “Wait. Don’t leave.”

“Teresa, are you all right?” my grandmother asked.

I spoke into the phone. “Grandma, can you hold for a moment?” I covered the receiver and said, “Chris, don’t leave me alone.”

Chris walked up to me and held my face, wiped my tears with his thumbs. “I’ve got to go. I’ll be back. Talk as long as you like. Good-bye.”

He was out the door.

I put the receiver back to my ear. Actually, it was good that he did leave because the conversation became very emotional. We laughed, we cried; I asked questions and so did she. Then my grandfather got on the extension and soon we were all talking so fast, it was hard to understand anyone. But it didn’t matter. Because within minutes, I was talking to family. Eleven years of emptiness vanquished in a single stroke, all because someone had cared enough to make a phone call.

I gleaned a history of what had happened to them. They had faded into the breeze at my father’s request. He had felt that as long as my mother’s memory was kept fresh in my mind, I would never develop a close relationship with my new stepmother, Jean. They had wanted only what was best for me, so they had pulled away. They related my history, defending my father at every twist and turn. But I could feel only anger and resentment.

Did I ever receive the Christmas cards and presents they had sent me?

I told them I hadn’t.

How about the birthday cards and presents?

Not them, either.

I told them I would write. I told them I would send pictures. I told them I would call whenever I got the chance. If they wanted to send anything or write back, I told them to address the letters in care of Chris, then gave them his address. After forty-five minutes of nonstop dialogue, I finally relinquished the line to a dial tone.

I was so exhausted, I sprawled out on Chris’s leather couch and closed my eyes. He came back ten minutes later. His face looked drawn, his eyes looked dead.

I stood up. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” He brushed hair out of his eyes. “How’d it go?”

I smiled. “Great … it went …” The tears came back. “I don’t know how I’m ever going to thank you.” I moved toward him, then stopped.

He laughed. “Come here.”

I ran to him and hugged him tightly. It was like embracing granite. His arms wrapped around me, his fingers in my hair. He kissed my forehead. “I’m glad it went well.”

I burrowed myself deeper into his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart. After a few moments, I became aware of something hard pressing into my hipbone. I adjusted my position in his arms, then went warm with embarrassment when I realized what it was. I giggled out of nervousness.

Chris whispered, “Yes, I have an erection.”

“At least I know you like me.”

“I like you very much.”

My eyes found his. “Then why—”

“Not now, Terry. Please.” He broke away and took off his jacket. Poured himself a shot of Scotch and drank it in a single gulp. “We’re going to have to forgo the lesson. I have a gig lined up. I have to pack.”

His voice was calm but his posture was tense.

I clapped my hands once. “If you need help, I’m a really good packer. I do all of my stepmom’s packing whenever she goes out of town.”

He smiled but it lacked warmth. “I’m fine.”

“Okay.” I shrugged. “Thanks again. I’m going to owe you money for a very long phone conver—”

“Forget it.”

“I also told them to write to me in care of you. I gave them your address. I hope that’s okay—”

“It’s fine, Terry.”

He was very anxious for me to leave. But I couldn’t get my feet to move. “When will you be back?”

“Don’t know. Maybe Thursday or Friday.”

“Where are you going?”

“Back east.”

The room turned quiet. I said, “Are you going to be seeing your fiancée?”

Chris raised his brow. “You really like to torture yourself, don’t you?”

“I feel very comfortable on a cross.”

“Yes, I’ll probably be seeing her.”

“You’ll be seeing Lorraine?”

“Probably. It’s getting late.”

Actually, it wasn’t, but he wanted me out. I said, “I’ll leave now. Thanks again.”

“Take my books.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m going to fall behind and you’ll need to prepare lessons to catch me up.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out three fifties. Showed them to me. “For the week I’m gone. I’ll deposit them in your bank account.”

“Christopher, it won’t take me ten hours to prepare your lessons.”

“Think of it as a retainer.” He brushed my nose with the corner of the bills, then pocketed the money. “You’re now in my employ.”

“You say that with such glee.” I laughed softly. “Must be nice to be rich.”

“I wouldn’t know. I work for every dime I have.”

I turned hot, glanced at him, then averted my eyes. “God, that was an awful thing to say. Of course you do. I’m very sorry.” I picked up the books. “Thanks for everything, Chris.”

He held my arm. “Terry, look at me.”

Quickly, my eyes swept over his face.

“Nuh-uh,” he persisted. “Look at me.”

I managed to meet his eyes.

Chris said, “You didn’t offend me. I knew what you meant.”

“You don’t need to pay me—”

“Terry—”

“All I’m saying is, I’d tutor you for free.” I felt my eyes get wet and looked away.

“I know you would, Terry. And that means a lot to me. But it’s not necessary.” He kissed my forehead. “Go home.”

A very good idea. He’d been full of them this evening. Quietly, I shut the door behind me. I thought my grandmother had taken away all my tears. But I was wrong.