Read the book: «Not If I See You First»

arissa is sobbing. Again.

“And then he … he … he didn’t …” Her deep voice almost sounds like grunting.

Pathetic. And she’s smart, too, except about Owen.

“Can’t you guys talk to him?”

I don’t reply and neither does Sarah. We offer good advice—for free even—but never get involved. We’ve told Marissa this countless times; it would waste oxygen to say it again. We just have to wait for her to dry out. There’s nothing to do till the bell rings anyway.

Last school year this scene repeated itself every few weeks. Marissa rarely speaks to me otherwise. I can’t clearly remember what she sounds like without wailing, snuffling, gasping, coughing on tears and snot, and really needing to blow her nose.

It’s a common belief that losing your sight heightens your other senses, and it’s true, but not by magnifying them. It just gets rid of the overwhelming distraction of seeing everything all the time. On the other hand, my experience of sitting with Marissa consisted almost entirely of hearing everything her mouth and nose were capable of in sticky detail. That’s what unrequited love sounds like to me. Disgusting.

“Parker? Can’t you do something?”

“I am. I’m telling you to find someone else.” I pause, per the usual script, so she can interrupt.

“Nooooo!”

I’m the reigning queen of not giving a shit what other people think, but Marissa’s indifference to a Junior Quad full of people—on the first day of school no less—seeing her imitate a shrieking mucus factory … it humbles even me.

“Marissa, listen, soul mates don’t exist. But if they did, they would be two people who want each other. You want Owen, but Owen wants Jasmine, so that means Owen is not your soul mate. You’re just his stalker.”

“Wait … Jasmine?” I enjoy a moment of peace as the surprise of this information, which we told her last spring, quiets her for a moment. “Isn’t she …?”

“Yes, Jasmine likes girls, but she hasn’t found one in particular yet, so Owen stupidly thinks he has a chance. That makes him following her around only slightly more pointless and sad than you following him around. In fact—”

Sarah clicks her tongue and I know what it means but at some speeds I have too much momentum to stop or even slow down.

“—the only thing you and Owen have in common is being in love with someone who doesn’t love you back, someone you don’t even know. Have you ever even looked up words like love or soul mate or even relationship in a dictionary?”

The silence that follows is the perfect example of the thing I hate most about being blind: not seeing how people react to what I say.

“But …” Marissa sniffs productively. “If we spent some time togeth—”

Saved by the bell. Her and me both. But mostly her.

*

“Well, if it isn’t PG-13 and her All-Seeing-Eye-Dog.” The familiar screech is to my left and accompanied by a locker door clattering open.

“Please tell me her locker isn’t right over there,” I say to Sarah in a stage whisper. “I found out over the summer I’m allergic to PVP. Now I have to carry an EpiPen in my bag.”

“Oh,” Faith says in her snippy voice. “I’m PVP? That’s … People … People …”

“Polyvinylpyrrolidone. Used in hair spray, hair gel, glue sticks, and plywood.”

“Well, I think PVP means People … who are … Very Popular.”

I laugh, breaking character. “Fay-Fay! Did you just think that up?”

“Of course I did! I’m not as dumb as you look.”

The odor of kiwi-strawberry tells me what’s about to happen and I brace myself. I’d call it a bear hug except Faith is too skinny to do anything bearish. I hold on a bit too long and then let go.

“Do you really have an EpiPen?” she asks.

“God, Fay,” Sarah says. “Do you even know what that is?”

“My nephew’s allergic to peanuts. And do you know you’re a pretentious, condescending bitch?”

“Yes, I doooof!” The rush of air and Sarah’s answer tells me Faith gave her a hug, too.

“Can you believe all these strangers?” Faith says, making no attempt to whisper. “This place is a zoo.”

“At least it’s them invading us,” Sarah says, “and not the other way around.”

All true. The town of Coastview can’t support two high schools anymore, so Jefferson closed and everyone came here to Adams. The halls are so jammed with people who don’t know The Rules, and not just the freshmen, that I had to hold on to Sarah’s arm to get through the chaos to my locker. Breaking in this many newbies will be messy, but at least I don’t have to learn the layout of an entirely different school.

“Oh, hey, here comes another one,” Faith says, closer and softer, this time remembering Rule Number Two, and she hugs me again. “I’m sorry I was stuck in Vermont all summer. You know I’d have come if I could, don’t you?”

“I’m fine,” I say quickly, hoping that will end the subject.

“Did I see you guys talking to Marissa this morning? Was she crying?”

“New year, same bullshit,” Sarah says.

“Please tell me it’s over a new guy. Really? No …”

I imagine various facial expressions and nods and eyebrow waggling filling in the gaps.

“That’s what you spent the morning talking about? Pretty selfish of her … Wait.” I can hear that Faith has turned to face me. “Does she even know? Didn’t you tell her?”

“Right,” I say. “Oh, Marissa, while you spent the summer crying over some complete stranger, my dad died and my aunt’s family moved here because my house is better than theirs.”

“So …” Faith says. “That’s something you just thought, or you actually said that?”

“Jesus, Fay. I’m honest but I’m not mean.”

“Some exceptions apply,” Sarah says.

“I have to go.” I unfold my cane. “With all these noobs in the way, it’s going to take a while to get to Trig.”

“Haven’t they assigned her a new buddy?” Faith asks Sarah as I tap down the hall. “Who is it? Didn’t Petra move to Colorado or somewhere?”

I’m grateful they can talk about my buddy without sounding awkward. It can’t be one of them—Faith is too busy socially (translation: popular) and Sarah doesn’t qualify because she’s not taking enough of my honors and AP classes. But there’s a girl from Jefferson who’s in all my classes, and she was willing, so the choice pretty much made itself.

*

As soon as I settle into my usual seat for every class—in the back right corner and reserved for me with a name card—it starts.

“So you’re blind, huh?”

I cock my head toward the unfamiliar male voice, coming from the seat directly in front of me. Low-pitched, a bit thick around the vowels. The voice of a jock, but I just keep that as a working hypothesis awaiting more evidence.

“Are you sure you’re in the right class?” I say. “Calculus for Geniuses is down the hall. This is just Trig.”

“I guess you’re in Kensington’s class? Isn’t it kinda early for this?”

I don’t know what this means, or who Kensington is. A teacher from Jefferson, maybe.

“Hey, douchebag,” says a male voice to the left of Douchebag. “She’s really blind.”

Interesting. The second voice is softer, and calm in a way you don’t often hear insulting big heavy jock voices. It’s familiar but I can’t place it.

“No, Ms. Kensington does this thing where you need to pretend—”

“I know, and she doesn’t hand out canes. Besides, it’s first period on the first day.”

“But if she’s really blind then why would she wear a blindfo—”

“Trust me, dude; just shut up.” Harsh words but said with a friendly voice.

For my scarf today I chose white silk with a thick black X on each eye. It was that or my hachimaki with Divine Wind written in kanji, but I didn’t want to confuse the noobs with a mixed message. Either way, I know I made a mistake leaving my vest at home.

I usually wear a frayed army jacket, arms torn off, covered with buttons that friends bought or made over the years. Slogans like Yes, I’m blind, get over it! and Blind, not deaf, not stupid! and my personal favorite, Parker Grant doesn’t need eyes to see through you! Aunt Celia talked me out of it this morning, saying it would overwhelm all the people from Jefferson who don’t know me. She’s wrong, it turns out. They need to be overwhelmed.

I hear shuffling and the creak of wood and steel as someone sits down hard to my left.

“Hi, Parker.” It’s Molly. “Sorry I’m late. I needed to stop by the office.”

“If the bell hasn’t rung, you’re not late.” I try to sound casual but actually let her know that being my buddy just means helping with certain things in classes, not life in general.

“Hey, so your name’s Parker—” Douchebag says.

“Awww,” I interrupt him with my sweet voice. “You figured that out because you just heard someone say it. And I know your name for the very same reason. Douchebag isn’t very nice, though, so I’ll just call you D.B.”

“I’m—”

“Shhh …” I shake my head. “Don’t ruin it.”

The silence that follows is the perfect example of the thing I love most about being blind: not seeing how people react to what I say.

“I—” D.B. says, and the bell rings.

*

“The stairs down to the parking lot are ahead,” Molly says.

I sigh inwardly. Actually, I’m tired; maybe I sighed outwardly, I’m not sure.

Classes let out a while ago but Molly and I worked out a schedule to do our homework in the library after school for a couple hours and afterwards I call Aunt Celia to pick me up. Molly’s mom is a teacher who also came over from Jefferson—she teaches both French and Italian—and they carpool.

“Good,” I say. “Those stairs have been there at least two years now. I bet it’d be really hard to get rid of them with the entire parking lot being five feet lower than all the classrooms.”

Silence.

I consider reminding her of Rule Number Four, understanding that it hasn’t been long since I gave her the list, but it’s been a tiring first day and I don’t have the energy.

I don’t need a chaperone anywhere on school grounds. I know exactly where the handicapped parking space is and two years of Dad parking there trained the unhandicapped people to stay the hell out of it. Molly insisted she was walking with me just because, but I knew better. The combination of blind people, stairs, and cars terrifies the sighted, but it’s actually pretty safe. Cars are only dangerous when they’re moving, and they only move in certain ways and places, and they make noise you can hear, even hybrids. Stairs are like bite-sized paths that your feet can feel the size and shape of all the time.

“You know, Parker …” Molly blurts out with some energy, maybe impatience, but then doesn’t continue. She sighs.

“What?”

“Never mind.”

I want to let it drop, too. I haven’t spent enough time with Molly to know if I’m going to like her or just tolerate her—the amount of energy I’m going to put into this depends a lot on which it’s going to be—but either way we’re going to be with each other more than with anyone else, all day, every day, all year.

“You can’t take it back,” I say, just as a fact, not an accusation. “I know there’s something in there now. Spit it out before it gets infected.”

I can hear her breathing. Thinking breaths. I calculate whether to prod her more or wait her out.

“It’s just …” she finally says. “I know we only just met …”

Another breath.

“Do you want me to help you?” I ask. “Or let you flounder around some more?”

Molly blows air out her nose. I can’t tell if it’s the laughing kind or the eye-rolling kind.

“Yeah, sure, help me out.” I hear a little of both. A good sign.

Embedded in the concrete path under my sneakers is the bumpy metal plaque describing the founding of John Quincy Adams High School in 1979. I know exactly where I am.

“Here.” I hold out my cane. “Fold this up for me?”

She takes it. “Why?”

I turn and walk briskly toward the stairs, arms swinging, counting in my head … six … five … four … three …

“Parker!” Molly scurries after me.

… two … one … step down …

I march down the stairs, counting them, hitting them hard and confident, legs straight like a soldier, each time sliding my foot back to knock my heel against the prior step.

At the bottom I keep marching and counting silently till I reach the curb where I know Aunt Celia’s car will park. I stop and spin around.

“Cane, please?”

It touches my hand. She didn’t collapse it like I asked. I do and slide it into my bag.

“Maybe you’re thinking I’m a stereotypical blind girl who’s out to prove she doesn’t need anyone’s charity. But instead of being nice to people who are just trying to help her, she’s a bitter and resentful bitch because she’s missing out on something wonderful that she thinks everyone else takes for granted.”

Now I’m starting to wonder if Molly is just a loud breather, though I didn’t notice it in the library and it was pretty quiet in there.

“Am I warm?” I ask.

“Not very. But not everyone has to be.”

It takes me a moment to get it—which isn’t like me at all—and now it’s too late to laugh.

I smile. “Touché.”

Aunt Celia’s car pulls up and stops.

“I suppose you can tell if that’s your aunt’s car, just by the sound?”

“Pretty much, yeah.”

“My dog can do that, too.”

I turn my head to face her, something I don’t often bother doing.

“I’m starting to like you, Molly Ray. But believe me, it’s a mixed blessing.”

“Oh, don’t worry. I believe it.”

The car door thunks open. Aunt Celia calls out, too loudly, “Parker, it’s me, hop in!”

I sigh, definitely outwardly.