Read the book: «Keep Your Friends Close: A gripping psychological thriller full of shocking twists you won’t see coming»
Keep Your Friends Close
JUNE TAYLOR
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Copyright
KillerReads
an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
www.harpercollins.co.uk
First published in Great Britain by HarperCollinsPublishers 2018
Copyright © June Taylor 2018
Cover design by Holly MacDonald © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2018
Cover photograph © Shutterstock.com
June Taylor asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.
Ebook Edition © October 2018 ISBN: 9780008318109
Version: 2018-08-14
for Juice and Lemon
Table of Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Chapter 1: Karin
Chapter 2: Mel
Chapter 3: Mel
Chapter 4: Karin
Chapter 5: Karin
Chapter 6: Mel
Chapter 7: Karin
Chapter 8: Louie
Chapter 9: Karin
Chapter 10: Mel
Chapter 11: Louie
Chapter 12: Karin
Chapter 13: Karin
Chapter 14: Louie
Chapter 15: Mel
Chapter 16: Karin
Chapter 17: Karin
Chapter 18: Mel
Chapter 19: Louie
Chapter 20: Mel
Chapter 21: Karin
Chapter 22: Mel
Chapter 23: Louie
Chapter 24: Karin
Chapter 25: Mel
Chapter 26: Karin
Chapter 27: Louie
Chapter 28: Karin
Chapter 29: Louie
Chapter 30: Karin
Chapter 31: Mel
Chapter 32: Karin
Chapter 33: Louie
Chapter 34: Karin
Chapter 35: Mel
Chapter 36: Karin
Chapter 37: Karin
Chapter 38: Louie
Chapter 39: Karin
Chapter 40: Louie
Chapter 41: Mel
Chapter 42: Karin
Chapter 43: Louie
Chapter 44: Karin
Chapter 45: Mel
Chapter 46: Karin
Chapter 47: Karin
Chapter 48: Mel
Chapter 49: Karin
Chapter 50: Mel
Chapter 51: Karin
Chapter 52: Karin
Chapter 53: Karin
Chapter 54: Louie
Chapter 55: Karin
Chapter 56: Louie
Chapter 57: Karin
Chapter 58: Karin
Chapter 59: Karin
Acknowledgements
Keep Reading…
About the Author
About the Publisher
1
Karin
Red hair, red dress.
Karin looked at the image of herself in the mirror. She liked the clash of red against red. A clashy confidence. It seemed appropriate today, her birthday. And not just any birthday; she had made it to twenty-two. At one point, she didn’t think she would.
She wished her mother could see the woman she had grown into. Not just see, but know. The bundle of letters, tossed onto the bed earlier, reflected in the mirror. Still tied with the same string from five years ago. Her mother, Birgitta, had sent them all back, of course, and Karin wasn’t sure why she was still hanging onto them. For several reasons, she ought to get rid. There had been no birthday card this morning. She had known there wouldn’t be, there never was, but Karin had still searched through the pile of post to check. Birgitta had no idea where in the world Karin was and didn’t care. But the money had gone into her account, as promised. Karin had logged in at work to check. Always true to her word. That was the scariest thing of all about her mother.
Someone at work had asked if Karin was okay. Wasn’t she feeling well? Had she received some bad news? She felt dizzy and the pain had come quickly after that. Scurrying down the corridor, avoiding her colleagues, she had burst into Will’s room and quickly shut the door. It shocked Will; he was busy painting the walls, but broke off from his task to sit with her. Because Will understood. He had read every word that she and Birgitta had ever written to each other, and Karin was grateful for this place of sanctuary.
She could feel it coming on again now as she stared at her reflection in the mirror, the cycle repeating itself, and the sight of those letters only added to her distress. It was as if a sharpened icicle was being pushed into her head, boring a hole between the eyes. That’s how it always came, and she couldn’t stop it no matter what she did. Hands over her head to form a tight-fitting lid, as she was doing now; or elbows at right angles, squeezing against her ears to shut out the screams. Sometimes she scrunched up into a tight ball on the floor.
All this so she can never forget.
Even with her eyes closed she is still able to see his legs swinging. Side to side. A human pendulum. She runs down the garden and finds him there. In her log cabin. The steps kicked over, lying on their side. Minutes later she hears Birgitta screaming. Karin has never heard her mother scream like that before. It wasn’t what she did. Normally so cool and composed, this sound is primal and raw, yelling at Karin to help get him down.
But it’s too late.
It was always too late.
The episode passed, gradually, and Karin was used to it now. She just had to let it work its way through and back out again. But it still happened as often, day or night. Night-time was the worst. Everything was worse in those hot, twisted sheets of insomnia.
She raised her head slowly, checking to see whether it really had passed this time, and caught sight of herself in the mirror again; different from a few moments ago. Her cheeks were flushed, as though they had been too near a fire, and she would have to reapply her make-up. Her painted fingernails danced across her face as she wiped the sweat off it, trying to reassure her that everything was going to be okay; she hadn’t been gnawing on them quite so much lately.
How can you miss someone you really hate?
Perhaps that was why Karin had unlocked the box today. On this special day. Releasing cedar wood and iris, and something else, she didn’t know quite what, from beneath the lid, filling the room with Birgitta’s scent. Avocado. Lavender. And a whiff of her homemade Swedish fläderblomssaft. In one of those letters it said that if Karin was to contact her again, she would call the police.
Were there times when her mother felt this way too? Had Karin been on her mind at any point today? Did she wake up this morning remembering it was Karin’s birthday? Probably not. Probably never gave it a second thought. Not when she had sent Karin away to boarding school by the time she was eight and barely seen her since.
She checked the time on her phone then sniffed the letters one last time. Still another forty minutes before she had to be ready. Her heart raced as she began to work quickly on the knot, setting her teeth onto it, and picked out a letter.
A few paragraphs were enough. Too much. That’s why she had chosen never to return to them in all these years. So why was she keeping them? Really, she knew why.
Retying the knot as swiftly as she could, stuffing the letters back inside the box, Karin noticed in one corner was the tiny pebble from Louie. The letter K painted on it in bright yellow, a bobbing seahorse on the other side. She held it in her hand, running her fingers over the pebble’s smooth curves, not quite prepared for the rush of memories that came flooding back with this object either. Strange to think she must have kept it in her pocket for all the time she was trying to hide from Louie. Having moved in here, feeling safe again, she had put it away with the letters.
Karin threw it back into the box and, with trembling fingers, managed to close the lid. She scrambled the numbers on the padlock, but then dropped the box on the floor. It made a loud thud, just missing her foot. She picked it up and returned it to the drawer, covering it with her T-shirts.
It really was time to get rid.
Karin was not that person any more.
2
Mel
The extractor fan made its toothless rattle, sucking out stir-fry fumes and taking some Radio 6 Music with it. Mel stood at the sink, distractedly running the washing-up brush over her plate and staring out of the window. She was thinking about Karin, what to do, what to say, whether to say anything, when a bruiser of a magpie came to land in the overgrown grass. She strained her neck to see if she could spot another flash of black and white anywhere. Not that she believed in that rubbish. She had been around long enough to know that you create your own luck in this life.
The patch of grass stretching out from the kitchen window ought to have been as neat and lush as the other lawns in this row of Headingley terraces, but instead it was long and floppy, much like a student’s haircut, and Mel had lost count of the number of times she had caught next door’s dog fouling in it. The fence was blown down on either side, a slap-in-the-face reminder that at her time of life she shouldn’t still be living in a place like this.
But it was okay for now.
A loud thump came through the ceiling, giving her a jolt. Karin must have dropped something. Mel flicked off the extractor fan, listened to Karin coming downstairs, and began to prepare herself. Returning to the sink, she picked up the wok and dunked it into the soapy water. She did a half-turn as Karin hopped into the kitchen, one sandal clicking on the Yorkshire stone flags while she attempted to catch her foot in the other, almost toppling over. Steadying herself on the unit, Karin succeeded in getting her sandal on properly and grimaced at Mel, as if acknowledging that she needed to be more ladylike. She immediately forgot this, however, and began grabbing things off the unit – lipstick, keys, pen – firing them into her handbag like missiles.
Mel dried her hands on the towel and smiled at her housemate. She detected a new perfume on Karin. It smelt expensive. The stir-fry odour was beginning to wrap around it though, concocting a rather sickly scent once it hit the back of the throat.
‘Is this a bit much?’ Karin asked, standing up tall, pulling her dress over her curves. It was red, halterneck, with a diamond-shaped slash that accentuated her soft white cleavage against the rest of her lightly tanned body.
‘Depends what you’re after,’ Mel replied, raising an eyebrow. ‘It’s very Marilyn.’ But then she thought Karin might not know who that was. ‘Monroe,’ she added.
‘I know who Marilyn Monroe is. But she was blonde.’
‘Well you look a million dollars, even so.’
‘Hm. More like £3.50 from the charity shop. Don’t you dare tell Aaron, or he’ll think I haven’t made an effort.’ She pointed a warning finger at Mel, and Mel did the same back in an attempt to relax her. Karin’s jitteriness suggested she might actually know something. But then she said: ‘He’s making a massive deal of my birthday and I’m really not sure why.’
No wonder Aaron was in such a hurry. Karin was particularly striking when she was out of her work clothes, a pair of baggy dungarees usually, and tonight her shock of red hair was let loose down her back, instead of scrunched up messily on top of her head. Another style that suited her, of course; she was young and could get away with anything.
It was precisely this, her youth, that was Aaron’s biggest fear. Although he had never said as much, Mel knew he was afraid that, one day, sooner or later, Karin would wake up and realize he was too old for her. He was twice her age after all. When he had called round a few days ago to fix the dishwasher – without succeeding – Mel had immediately picked up on the fact that he was going to ask her opinion on something. It didn’t take much to work out what it was concerning, but Mel wished she could have been better prepared.
Over the three and a half years she had been living here, they had reached the point of chatting comfortably over a cup of tea when Aaron came round to sort out anything in the house. He was good that way, usually acting promptly to address any problems she brought to his attention. Trivial matters they talked about mostly: holidays; places they would like to visit; new bars and restaurants opening in Leeds; a bit of work chit-chat now and then; and the on-going battle he had against the dishwasher, with his stubborn refusal to let it beat him. They had touched on his divorce once or twice but as a rule it was no more than small talk. So, being relatively at ease in one another’s company, an unspoken confidence had evolved that perhaps they could rely on the other person in a crisis, or confide, if ever there was a need.
Therefore when Aaron had come round a few days ago and begun his sentence with: ‘You and Karin are pretty close, aren’t you?’, Mel had known exactly what was coming. Instead of answering yes, she had asked him: ‘why?’ To which he’d replied: ‘Well, what do you think Karin would say if …?’
‘If?’
Mel didn’t make it easy for him. Aaron had stuck his head in the dishwasher to hide his embarrassment. He had an old-fashioned way of doing things at times, and really Mel ought to have seen this coming much sooner. It was part of his charm, too, of course, and Mel could clearly see why Karin had fallen for him. But what was she supposed to say? Even if she thought Karin was seeking a father figure, it wasn’t her place to tell him this.
‘I’m taking her away somewhere for her birthday,’ he continued, still talking to the dishwasher. ‘Somewhere special. And I’m going to – I’m thinking of asking her to marry me.’ When Mel didn’t respond, he resurfaced again looking sheepish. ‘So erm. So, what do you think?’
‘Wow,’ she replied, half-laughing. Taking a moment to swallow the news. ‘It’s a bit soon, isn’t it? You’ve only known her a few months. Why so quick?’
‘Sometimes you get a good feeling. Don’t you?’
‘What about your ex-wife?’
‘I doubt she’ll mind.’ It was Aaron’s turn to let out an uncomfortable laugh. ‘Let’s just say I ignored my bad feelings on that one. Look I know it’s swift, but I only mean for us to get engaged for now.’
Mel began to speculate then; she couldn’t help it. Was the age difference, and this fear of Karin being snapped up by someone else, his only reason for accelerating things? Or was there some other motivation?
The advice Mel had given him was that perhaps he should wait a little longer, at least a few more months, otherwise he might scare Karin away. She was only twenty-two. Aaron had thanked her for listening but, when his parting words had been: ‘Life’s too short,’ Mel could only assume that he was going to go through with it.
Karin seemed to be waiting for some sort of response from Mel, and Mel realized she had become distracted. Her head was tilted to one side, and she was chewing her lip looking questioningly at Mel.
So now she found herself in this rather awkward position. On the one hand, Aaron, asking for her discretion. On the other, Karin, a vulnerable young woman who was likely to say yes.
Mel was concerned about the repercussions from all of this.
Despite her youth and an ever-growing confidence, Karin still had no sense of her own beauty, or if she did she wasn’t quite at the stage of being totally at ease with it. Nonetheless she had come a long way since Mel had first discovered her, almost a year ago now, sitting in a forlorn heap under the Dark Arches of Leeds railway station. At first, she had thought that Karin was a skinny, pubescent teenager. Sixteen at most. Mel had been shocked to discover that she was in fact much older.
Karin had filled out a bit since then, her malnourished curves realizing their full potential. She had flourished in other ways too, doing well in her job at the charity. Despite all of this, Mel knew there were still insecurities that lurked beneath. Things which, even now, Karin was reluctant to talk about. When she had first moved into the house, Mel used to hear her sometimes at night, muffled screams and sobs coming through the walls, and she would go into her room and try to console her. Although Karin had confided to an extent, Mel knew there was still something she wasn’t telling her and without that insight it was difficult to guide her. Or Aaron for that matter. Not that he had taken much notice so far.
‘Have you any idea where he’s taking you?’ Mel asked her.
Although she had enquired at the time, Aaron hadn’t been prepared to share that part of his plan with Mel, other than to hint that it would be done in style, as one might expect of him, and with enough flare and fanfare to increase his chances of a positive outcome.
‘I’ve no idea,’ Karin replied. ‘He just said pack an overnight bag for the weekend and you don’t need a passport.’ Karin stopped what she was doing, detecting there was something in the way Mel was looking at her. ‘You know, don’t you?’
Mel let out a sigh of responsibility. ‘All I can tell you is, well, it’s about more than just your birthday. Put it that way.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I’m just warning you. So you can think about your answer.’
‘Answer to what?’ Karin gasped. Eyes opening wide, her body stiffening. ‘You think he’s going to propose to me?’
‘Have something prepared just in case.’
Karin immediately bristled, pinning her shoulders back. ‘What, like no you mean?’
‘I didn’t say that.’
Mel followed the strong outline of Karin’s shoulders all the way down her arms. Shoulders that were no longer bony, arms now toned and bronzed from the many hours she spent working outdoors lately. Her skin had a body-lotion shimmer to it tonight. Mel had never known Karin to take such care over her appearance. Nail varnish too. Even toenails.
‘It’s your call, Karin. I’m just giving you a heads-up. It’s a big decision and easy to get carried away. Don’t let him hurry you.’
Karin held onto the unit to steady herself, as though she might expire if she didn’t. Her face lit up by a ripening glow; it made Mel anxious to witness it.
‘I love the way he makes me feel,’ Karin said, giving Mel an almost pleading look.
‘Oh, Karin, I know you do.’ She spoke softly this time, realizing her tone maybe sounded harsh before. She moved closer to Karin, cupping her cheek gently. ‘But you’re twenty-two years old, and who do you have for comparison? Hm?’
Karin pulled back, although Mel still didn’t let her escape, holding onto her shoulders. When Karin refused to meet her gaze, Mel lifted up her chin. ‘Look,’ she said, ‘if Aaron loves you, he’ll wait until you’re ready. Five months is no time at all to get to know someone. I mean why wouldn’t he want to marry you? Look at you, you’re gorgeous. He wants to snap you up before anyone else can.’
Karin mused on that for a moment, ran her fingers through the freshly blow-dried waves that she had just created. When she realized she was undoing all her effort, she allowed her hand to flop onto the unit, trying to read Mel’s thoughts. ‘So do you know where we’re going?’
‘Of course I don’t. He told me in strictest confidence that he was thinking of proposing when he came round to fix the dishwasher, and that’s all I know. You have a bright future ahead of you, Karin. You still have to work out who you are and what you want, before you rush into anything like this.’
Karin pulled away again. ‘If you’re referring to—’
The back door was suddenly flung open, giving them both a start.
3
Mel
Mel looked at Karin, zipping up her mouth as Will’s greasy mop of hair presented itself in the kitchen, followed by his decorating overalls and paint-splattered boots.
‘Hi, Will,’ said Karin, giving him an exaggerated double thumbs-up. ‘Good work today. Soon be in.’
Will nodded, signing something back to Karin which Mel couldn’t understand. He brushed against Mel’s shoulder as he reached over to the bread bin and slung a piece of on-the-turn white bread into the toaster. Mel waved her hand in front of his face and said, ‘Hi, Will.’
Will nodded, then blustered out into the hallway.
‘Could you see that he eats something decent this weekend while I’m away?’ asked Karin, screwing up her nose in that way of hers when she wanted something. ‘It’s just he never eats at work and—’
‘Sure.’
It was falling to Mel to do that anyway, but she resisted mentioning it. Mel glanced out of the window, not intentionally, but Karin took that to mean she must be wondering about the garden because it prompted her to say something. ‘He can’t tackle that yet, Mel. He’s working long hours at Ashby Road.’
‘It’s fine,’ she replied. ‘I’ll see that he eats. I’ll make him some pasta later.’
‘Look, I’ve said I’ll chip in a bit extra with my rent, now that I can, and Aaron says it’s not a problem, Will still being here, so—’
‘Read – my – lips – Karin. It’s fine. He’s kipping on the floor in a holey sleeping bag for God’s sake.’
Karin smiled, lightly embracing her. ‘Thank you,’ she said. She looked embarrassed and they both knew why.
‘Oh, don’t go setting the two of us off,’ said Mel, seeing Karin’s eyes were starting to gloss. She pulled Karin into her, making the hug tighter. ‘I’m so proud of you. Getting from where you were to where you are now, you’ve done amazing. And I’m only saying all these things because you have no one else to say them to you. As your surrogate big sister, it’s my job.’ Hearing a tearful snigger, Mel released her again. ‘That’s more like it.’
Karin had given her the title of surrogate big sister. It was a role Mel was more than happy to fulfil, especially as Karin had nowhere else to go for advice, but it was by no means easy. They came from two very different worlds.
Karin managed to sniff away any further tears, dabbing a finger under each eye to clear up the mascara runs.
‘It’s okay, you still look gorgeous,’ said Mel. ‘But just let me say one more thing and then I promise I’ll shut up. Can I?’ Finally she got a nod from Karin. ‘Okay. So if you’re going to go through with it, then get a pre-nup.’ Karin began to protest. Mel caught her hands, imploring her to listen. ‘I know – I know that sounds terrible and unromantic, but Aaron went through a very messy divorce.’
‘What are you saying?’
‘That money you got from your mother for your birthday, well it’s not exactly a tenner shoved in an envelope, is it? You really should protect yourself. That’s what I’m saying.’
Karin frowned, pulling her mouth to one side like a petulant teenager. ‘He doesn’t even know about that. I wasn’t sure I’d get the money, was I? Might as well be dead to my mother.’ Her words made Mel think about her own mother, sad to reflect on how much she missed her.
Karin leant back and thumped against the unit.
‘Well that’s good then,’ said Mel. She realized Karin was staring at her. ‘Not about your mother, obviously. It shows Aaron loves you for just being you. Well. I guess it does.’ She paused. ‘There is one thing though.’
‘What? Tell me, Mel.’
‘He’s bloody useless at fixing kitchen appliances.’
This had become something of a joke between them. Karin took a playful swipe, and Mel put up her hands as a shield. Then Karin stopped fooling around, folding her arms like the petulant teenager again. ‘Someone might want to snap him up too, you know, Mel.’
‘Of course they might. I can totally see why you’ve fallen for him. He’s charming, funny, handsome. But don’t rush it, okay? That’s all I’m saying. Just do what you think is right for you. You deserve to be happy.’
Karin sank her teeth into her bottom lip as a loud rapping, on the front door this time, broke into their conversation.
‘Shit,’ said Karin, straightening her dress nervously.
Aaron came into the kitchen dangling his keys. ‘Hope you don’t mind,’ he said, referring to the fact he had let himself in.
Mel shrugged. ‘You’re the landlord.’
He hovered for a second, waiting until it was safe to give Mel a secret wink. When she refused to participate he seemed disappointed, and maybe a little embarrassed. ‘You going out tonight, Mel?’ he asked.
‘Me? No, I have some work to catch up on. But I’ll be thinking of you both on your lovely birthday weekend.’
‘Well erm, my suitcase is in the hallway,’ said Karin.
‘Great. I’ll load it into the car,’ Aaron replied, rubbing his hands with renewed excitement. ‘See you later then, Mel.’
‘Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,’ she shouted as he disappeared again. ‘And don’t you either,’ she added, pointing her finger at Karin who was still hovering awkwardly.
‘Really appreciate you telling me, Mel,’ she whispered.
‘Let me know how you get on. Okay? And just remember what I’ve said.’
Karin nodded.
Despite her underlying vulnerability, Mel knew that Karin could also be headstrong when she wanted to be. But at least she had given her something to think about.
Karin pushed her handbag onto her shoulder, emitting a kind of schoolgirl squeal as she ran her nails across her teeth to show both her fear and excitement. ‘Wish me luck,’ she said.
Mel thought she had gone, but then Karin rushed back in again to say: ‘Forgot to mention it, Mel. I’ve transferred five thousand pounds into your account today. To cover rent, bills, all my arrears. Plus a little bit extra to say thank you.’
‘Aw, Karin. That’s very generous of you.’
‘I know it’s more than I owe, but it’s the least I can do.’
‘You didn’t have to do that. But thank you.’ Mel gave her a kiss on the cheek. ‘Now off you go.’
Karin smiled, blowing her a kiss in return.
‘And remember to enjoy yourself,’ Mel shouted.
She waited to hear the front door close then poured herself a large glass of wine. Not long after sitting down to relax, she heard Will padding about in the kitchen, probably snacking on toast and jam. Thinking of her promise to Karin, she returned to the kitchen and offered him some wine, remembering that he didn’t drink, and told him that she would make pasta in a little while.
Will gave her one of his looks that shivered down her spine then went back upstairs.
4
Karin
The Friday night queues out of Leeds had died down, although there was still a weekend frenzy about the way cars jerked and swerved across the baking tarmac. It was 7.15, the evening warm and sultry. Even the buildings looked too hot, the bricks of the older ones as well as the glassier newer ones straining to stand up tall.
Crossing the city always prompted memories of when she had first arrived here. Back then all she was interested in was huddling in shop doorways and under bridges down by the canal or the River Aire. That secret part of her life, which Aaron hadn’t known anything about. Not at first. He was under the impression that Karin had answered an advert for a room to rent. Mel had preserved her secret, thankfully, knowing how ashamed Karin was about this aspect of her life. But in the end, Karin had told Aaron herself because there were so many other things she would never be able to share with him and this was one thing she could.
He didn’t even know about Louie.
Karin shifted in the passenger seat as her temperature began to rise. Yet at the same time a chill dug into her skin as the rawness of that winter, after she had run away, returned. A pop-up tent and warm sleeping bag were all that she had wished for on a daily basis. That or some money for a hostel. Apart from her phone, the bundle of letters and the clothes she was wearing, her only possessions had been a hairbrush and a worn-out toothbrush. Karin had left in a hurry, not wanting to make it look like she was leaving at all.
Afraid to go. Afraid of what might happen if she stayed.
It was her dad who always said that her hair was her best feature, so even on the streets she didn’t want it to go into matted dreadlocks, because she knew her dad wouldn’t like that. He was already dead by then, but it still mattered. Brushing her hair obsessively nine or ten times a day would often attract attention. Karin made sure she was drunk and past caring, in case the attention wasn’t the best kind, but she had Will as her protector and he kept her safe.
Whether her mother had realized it or not – more likely an oversight on her part – she had still been paying for Karin’s phone contract back then. However, unless Karin could get into a hostel to charge it up, it had been of limited use and she’d had to guard it with her life. Staring out of the car window at the passing trees, Aaron by her side at the wheel, she could, even now, remember the excitement of seeing all those messages appearing, and how quickly it would turn to guilt.
Always Louie:
Where have you gone? Please come back, let’s talk.
Never anything from her mother.
Karin had carried the bundle of letters stuffed into the waistband of her knickers. She knew it was risky hanging onto them, because they could do real damage in the wrong hands, but without them she had nothing.
She was no one.
Despite having Will, trusted friend and loyal companion, those days on the streets were the loneliest of all. She often wondered, had Birgitta been aware of her living rough, might she have given her the lump sum sooner, instead of making her wait until she turned twenty-two? Unlikely though, knowing her mother. Because the deal was that if Karin didn’t finish her schooling and go to university, the money would be stopped, with no more until today. What little Karin had left from her hotel earnings, she had given to Louie, leaving herself with just enough for the train fare to Leeds, plus a small amount besides until she found her feet again. But Karin had got drunk on the train on the way over, and then she was robbed.
Karin was pretty sure it wouldn’t have made the slightest bit of difference if she had known. Birgitta was a Swedish torpedo. That’s what her dad used to call her. He said that no one could ever stop her or change her direction. He certainly couldn’t, and Karin couldn’t either. Even as a child, Karin wondered why her parents were together; her dad was always hovering and quivering in the background. Without doubt, this sharp-pointed focus was the reason for her mother’s success as a world-class designer, but it torpedoed through everything else. Everyone else.
Karin knew it had been a mistake to start looking at those letters before setting off this evening. She had managed to ignore them until today, despite clinging to them all this time. Her own letters were wound up in that bundle too, of course. It was the bereavement counsellor’s suggestion that they write to each other after her dad died. On paper, and with stamps. So they could think about what they wanted to say to each other, before sending. Safer that way. Better than any text or email fired off in the heat of the moment. Karin had still managed to fire off, even so. And then one day all the letters were returned to her in a bulging jiffy bag, along with the words:
‘Karin,
I suggest you read back over these. I hope you have a good life, but I no longer want to be a part of it, nor you a part of mine.
Mamma (no longer).
Remember, if you come anywhere near me again, try to contact me in any way, I shall go straight to the police. Your accusation has ruined my life.
scribbled on a Svendsen business card.
Karin could recall sitting on her bed in her room at school, putting the letters in date order. ‘From Karin’. ‘From Mamma’. The word ‘love’ never came into it. Then she had tied them up and hidden them away. Since then only two people had read them.
First Louie. And then Will.
No one else ever would. Not even Mel.
Definitely not Aaron.
Throw them away, Karin.
She had bought the box when she moved in with Mel, using the date of her dad’s death as the security code. Another option would have been to use the date of her stepdad’s death, as a sort of prompt for why she shouldn’t look inside, but she decided the box alone was enough of a reminder. One of the letters was missing; she had set fire to it at school. It went up in an orange angry fireball. At a time when Karin most needed her mother’s support, she got nothing but criticism and a whole heap of deceit.
Karin didn’t blame herself for what happened. She might be sorry, but it wasn’t all her fault.
‘You okay?’
She felt Aaron’s hand on her thigh. It pulled her back to the present and she managed a thin smile. Sweat was beading on her forehead. She lowered the window for a blast of 30-mile-an-hour air. It was enough to cool her. Aaron gave her a look; he preferred the air-con. But his expression also said that he was making allowances for her birthday.
Then he seemed worried. ‘Is it a headache coming on, Karin? Do you want me to pull over?’
‘No. No, I’m fine,’ she replied, smiling at his kindness. ‘Just hot, that’s all.’
They slowed for the next set of traffic lights. Aaron began to get agitated as they waited, his hands turning white from gripping the steering wheel so tightly. Karin wasn’t sure why, at first, until she realized that three young lads in their souped-up Ford Focus were making gestures at him. Intent on getting a reaction, they began shouting: ‘Come on, old fella. Give it some metal. Wouldn’t mind a ride of your daughter.’
‘Idiots,’ said Karin as their car sped away with a blast of exhaust. She could sense a part of Aaron wanted to take them on, checking his mirrors for a way through, but she managed to distract him by putting on his ‘Music To Drive For’ compilation, fast-forwarding through Travis and Coldplay. Karin patted him on the leg, because this was worse than not using the air-con, but it forced another smile out of him. It had taken her a long while to feel brave enough to do this kind of thing. Desperate to be his contemporary and not some alien from another generation, initially she felt obliged to like whatever he liked. Now that she knew him better she could relax and be herself, most of the time.
‘So where are we going?’ she asked as they approached signs for both the M62 and M1 up ahead. Aaron wouldn’t say, but when they turned onto the M621 she thought she might have an idea. ‘So is it Manchester? Chester? Oh God, if it’s the Lakes I didn’t pack any outdoorsy stuff.’
‘It’s not the Lakes,’ he said, grinning.
‘You tease-ball. I hate you.’
Aaron smiled. ‘You’ll love it,’ he said.
He was always so keen to please and surprise. But what she liked most about him was that he didn’t make her feel like she was on a runaway train, about to crash. This was a proper romance, not a teenage train wreck. Karin began to contemplate him with an intensity neither one of them would have felt comfortable with had Aaron not been driving. Either that or he was pretending not to notice. Aaron was sweet like that.
What if Mel was right about this weekend? At this precise moment she was feeling somewhere between terrified and ecstatic at the prospect of someone asking to marry her. Not just anyone. Aaron. Marriage was not something she expected would ever happen to her. Not something she had even considered for herself, something other people did. And Mel was right about it being sudden. Whirlwind. Wasn’t that the term? They had only been together a few months. So did she really need to make that final commitment yet? Karin was in no doubt that she loved Aaron, but weren’t they doing fine as they were? She had only just got her life back together.
Having abandoned her education, Karin was now doing far better than she ever imagined, with a level of responsibility she probably ought to have a string of qualifications for. The pay was poor in the charity sector, but the cause was certainly worth fighting for, and for the first time, she felt valued and needed. That wasn’t even about money. It was about hard work and a self-belief she had never had in all the years of being crushed by her mother, feeling, always, the inadequacy of her existence; the burden of living in Birgitta’s frozen shadow. It was a cruel irony that the one inferior product her mother had designed should be the one she gave birth to. Karin was never allowed to forget that, but now the real Karin had emerged. Thanks to Mel. And also to Louie. She couldn’t forget the part that Louie had played in her recovery. But it was Mel who, in the end, had got Louie off her back and she could never forget that either.
The money she had received today from her mother’s accountant would certainly change things. Almost a million pounds was going to make a huge difference to her life. It meant that she no longer had to scrounge off Mel for one thing, and she could pay her own way with Aaron too. At the moment, he picked up the tab for practically everything, but this enormous sum of money would set them on equal terms. No longer feeling like she had something to prove just because of her age. Plus Aaron had a tendency to spoil her. Take this birthday treat for instance, whatever it was, it wasn’t necessary. Karin had grown up with wealth and status and found it loveless and cold. Not that she wasn’t grateful. Scraping away at the very bottom of human existence had taught her what it was really like to be hungry and afraid. So she could fully appreciate this lifeline that she had been thrown. And to think that she had once been homeless, yet could now afford to buy a place of her own, was mind-blowing.
Karin actually wanted to tell Birgitta these things, to say thank you, but she knew that wouldn’t be possible. Her life would be over just as soon as she made contact again.
Pushing aside this regret, but with a giddiness in her stomach, Karin looked out at the dramatic Pennine sky and the outline of Manchester beginning to take shape in the distance. She thought she understood now what Mel was trying to say. This was a pivotal moment, a chance for an even better Karin to flourish, to be totally independent and self-sufficient.
A golden opportunity, and Karin did not intend to squander it.
After a few more moments of reflection, she was convinced that she had found the perfect solution. Turning to Aaron again she began to study him with the same intensity as before. What was to stop her from having her independence, but with Aaron as her husband? They could buy a place together, build a joint future, while still pursuing their own individual goals. Isn’t that what people did?
Don’t rush, take your time, don’t let him hurry you.
If she said ‘no’ or ‘not just yet’, she might lose him. And she loved him. Because Aaron didn’t make her feel like she was on that runaway train.
Even if she still was.
5
Karin
The lanes of traffic filed past and slowed down on the M62, the same cars repeating the same pattern in the roadworks. Karin’s phone was resting on her lap. Its sudden ping brought her out of her reverie. When she saw what Mel had sent her, she laughed. A photo of Will tucking into a plate of pasta, and a message:
BOTH OKAY.
HOPE YOU ARE TOO.
LOVE MEL & WILL
XX
If Mel had chosen to walk by that night after tripping over her outstretched legs, as she sat in her usual spot under the damp stone ceiling of the Dark Arches, Karin might not even be here now. She knew she looked and smelt like rotting garbage, a stinking heap cluttering up the pavement, yet something in Mel had made her stop. She had bent down to ask her name, wrapped a scarf around her neck and given her gloves to put over her freezing fingers, white and numb at the ends. Then she began asking questions: Why was Karin in such a state? How had it come to this?
Some people bothered to do that.
When Mel reached her limit, Karin watched her go, calling, ‘You have a nice night.’ That’s what happened: she was used to it. So twenty minutes later, to see her returning with piping hot coffee and a cheeseburger, seemed like a miracle. Mel also gave her money for a hostel, making Karin promise that she would be sure to find one. Karin didn’t let on that it was too late for that night, but she did use the money for the following one.
‘Is this where I can find you?’ she enquired before abandoning her to the cold again. Karin remembered that question had made her laugh, sitting in this gloomy Victorian tunnel under the railway station, full of shadows, and thunderous noises from above.
‘Yes, this is my current address,’ she replied. ‘The Dark Arches, Leeds.’
A couple of days later Mel came back to see her, took her to lunch in a greasy-spoon, where Karin ate like an abandoned dog. They chatted for a while and when she had finished eating, Mel offered her the spare room in the house that she was renting. ‘It’s in Headingley,’ she said, as if Karin might actually care. ‘Look I can’t bear to see a young girl like you out here on the streets. It’s not right.’
Mel’s kindness stretched beyond the initial trial period of a couple of nights. If Karin could find herself a job, then she was welcome to stay. In the meantime, she let her off paying rent and Karin did some volunteering with the homeless charity, helping out with the Love an Empty scheme. Eventually they asked her to manage the project on Ashby Road. It paid next to nothing and she still couldn’t contribute very much, but Karin always promised to repay Mel.
‘In a year’s time, I should be back on my feet. When I turn twenty-two.’
Mel always said it didn’t matter about paying her back, just to contribute as soon as she was able. That’s why today had felt particularly special. Although Karin did consider giving her more than five thousand pounds, she appreciated that Mel would probably be insulted if she did. However, it bothered Karin that she hadn’t been a terribly good housemate in return, spending most of her time at Aaron’s place rather than in Headingley. So Karin had decided to make it up to her with flowers, meals out, extravagant presents instead; more Mel’s style in any case. Starting next week, she would take her to the new Swank restaurant that had opened down on The Calls. Mel said the other day how much she would love to go there, but could never afford it.
A few months after moving in, she was introduced to Aaron and they had started going out together. It still gave Karin a flutter in her stomach thinking about that, even now. He had come round to fix a temperamental dishwasher – the very same – and an instant spark had fired up between them. Mel teased Karin relentlessly, but without holding back on her concerns over his age. She clearly believed it would fizzle out soon enough. It hadn’t though, which left Karin feeling somewhat guilty.
‘You don’t know anyone who’d be suitable for Mel, do you?’ she asked, twirling her hair round her finger. Aaron’s laughter surprised her, but then she realized the question had come from nowhere. ‘No, I’m serious though. You must know some decent men out of all your work contacts, surely. It’s not like she’s unattractive.’ He gave her a rather noncommittal half-shrug. ‘It’s just I feel bad sometimes about her sitting in the house on her own, when I’m out all the time with you. Hardly see her these days and she’s been so kind to me.’ Aaron gave her another shrug, implying that wasn’t Karin’s problem. ‘You know what she did for me, Aaron.’
‘I’ll have a think.’
She leaned over to kiss him on the cheek.
‘Can’t promise anything, mind,’ he added.
‘No, I know. But she deserves someone nice, that’s all.’
Perhaps Mel’s problem was that she was too good-natured, and people took advantage. Karin was aware that Mel dabbled in internet dating from time to time, but without any success as far as she could make out, and Mel had hinted at some difficult scenarios, people in it for the wrong reasons.
Aaron accelerated and at last they were moving again. Karin turned to him and smiled, sinking her head into the headrest with thoughts of how much she had come to love him these past months and how fortunate she was to have found him.
He was wearing well for a man in his mid-forties, a full head of brown hair, and a pretty good physique through playing squash and sessions at the gym. Not handsome as such, but he had a face that got more interesting with age and to Karin that was preferable to handsome. It wasn’t the crazy, wild passion she had once known, but she associated that with the past in any case, and her adolescence was thankfully behind her now. Louie had been a big part of her initial healing process, and without Louie she would never have survived, but the wild, experimental journey they went on together wasn’t really who she was. It had left an emotional scar, on both sides she didn’t doubt, and she hoped that Louie had also met someone else by now. She closed her eyes to squeeze out the memory, wanting only Aaron to be in her head and to imagine what it might be like waking up to his face every morning for the rest of her life.
She swallowed, telling herself to slow down.
Aaron glanced over. ‘You seem deep in thought,’ he said, giving her hair a stroke.
Karin flushed. The likelihood of him proposing in any case was pretty remote.
Mel had got it wrong.
A sharp pain suddenly jabbed her forehead and she tried to massage it away. If she ever did get married, would she write and tell her mother the news? After the event, obviously. Like Birgitta had done to her. But Karin knew that any letter she sent would only come back in the post unopened. Or perhaps her mother would even go so far as to get the police to return it to her, so they could arrest her at the same time. As her dad used to say, Birgitta’s decisions were set in ice.
‘You sure you’re okay?’
The sound of Aaron’s voice snapped her back into the moment, and Karin realized she had become unbearably hot. Her dress was clinging to her and her scalp felt prickly. ‘Yeah, sorry,’ she said. She lowered the window and stuck her head out, not bothering about what it might do to her hair at this speed. ‘I was just thinking about where we might be going.’
‘You’ll soon see,’ said Aaron, holding her hair down until she came back in again and put the window up. ‘You look amazing tonight, by the way.’
‘Thanks. You don’t look too bad yourself.’
The sharp blast of air seemed to work, and Karin visualized them making plans for the future, getting their first place together. A house with a garden where children could play. A log cabin, and plenty of long grass to run around in and be wild. She would be a good mother. Stay home and spend time with her kids. There would be more than one; an only child was a miserable child. She would wrap them in love and laughter, never abandon or ignore them and definitely never send them away.
And Aaron would make a great father.
But what if he ever did find out? What then? Aaron didn’t deserve to be hurt, not again. His marriage had ended badly. Infidelity, not on his part, followed by a messy divorce.
Karin’s heart began to thump against her chest. She wrapped her fingers round her wrist, something the bereavement counsellor had taught her to do at school to force the positive thoughts through. It was the bereavement counsellor who had explained about the post-traumatic stress headaches too. She said Karin had been through a lot. The strained relationship with her mother. Losing her father. Her stepdad’s suicide. She asked if there might be one incident in particular which could be behind such violent headaches. Karin never told her. Apart from her mother, there were only two people who knew the truth.
Will and Louie.
She trusted Will with her life.
Louie, she was never going to see again.
Karin closed her eyes, trying to hang onto these positives. When she opened them again she registered they were heading north up the M6, the sign for Morecambe having fleetingly caught her eye. ‘Erm. Are we going to the coast?’ she asked, turning quickly to look at the sign even though she knew it would have disappeared by now.
Aaron didn’t pick up on the panic in her voice. ‘We might be,’ he said, a boyish grin spreading across his face.
But the signs repeatedly said Morecambe. And after a while there it was. Marine Road West. She could see it up ahead, a building of elegant white curves. Of all the places to bring her. Why here? It was her birthday, a simple meal in Leeds would have been perfect. Couldn’t they just go back to Leeds? Couldn’t she suggest that? Was it too late to turn round?
They swung into the car park of The Midland hotel, gleaming white in all its restored Art Deco glory, and Karin felt herself shaking. As beautiful and magnificent as it was, she never intended coming back here.
Not ever.
It stood before her now like a defiant ghost, keeper of memories she didn’t want to revive. Karin held onto her wrist so tightly her fingers turned white. She thought she had left all this behind.
The free sample has ended.
