Read the book: «When Your Mom Has Borderline Personality Disorder», page 2

The Good Child

The way a Borderline Personality Disorder person perceives people is something that constantly changes so that a person can sometimes be seen as being all good, perfect, amiable, and obedient. During this period when the child is perceived as being a good child, that child is believed to be deserving of being loved, protected, and cared for.

Some people seem to suggest that for the child to enjoy this privilege for a reasonable length of time, he has to give up anything that will remotely suggest to the mother that he or she is becoming independent and self-reliant. One of the things the insecurity of a BPD feeds on is the constant fear of being abandoned and see all attempts to cut the apron string as a direct affront on their territory, whose control they do not want to lose. Sometimes, coming tops in class can be seen as a threat and be treated as such.

The primary and secondary responsibility of the child of a BPD mother for the child to be perceived as good is for that child to constantly serve the interest of the mother even at great inconvenience to them, after all, the mother went through hell giving birth to them, and they have greatly inconvenient her and have to return the favor, at least that is what goes on in their mind.

The child is expected to continue to not only show and care for her, but also learn how to surrender all aspects of their lives to her even when they have grown up, gone to college, and are even married. Some BPD mothers will constantly demand proof that they are not about to abandon her, something they believe will break them.

The effect of all of this is that if a child somehow gets to play the role of a good child for a long time, they become an insecure, resentful, depressed, subdued, aloof, and social misfit in their bid to protect themselves from the potentially violent BPD parent.

Ironically, there is no definite pattern of knowing what to expect that will enable the child to know how to conform because the child will get to learn that being classified as a “good child” usually has nothing to do with what they had done or not done, but more to do with how their mother has decided to classify them, at that time using a complex algorithm that perhaps even the mother does not know. The kids just tend to enjoy such moments while they brace up for when they suddenly fall out of favor and become the “bad child”.

The Bad Child

When a child of a woman with BPD falls out of favor with the mother, he can very quickly descend from being that good child to become a bad child, a state no child wants to be in. Unlike the state of being a good child which is laden with love, attention, care, and kindness, the opposite awaits the child who enters this category, he becomes the object of the hatred, abuse, and maltreatment of the mother.

Mothers with more than one kid sometimes permanently allocate the “good child” tag with some of their kids while the not so lucky one bears the tag of being the “bad child” by the Borderline Parent. It is these types of adult survivors that come off worse, being victims of mothers who are BPD. They usually require long treatment of psychotherapy as a result of the amount of damage that has been done to their self-esteem and psyche.

The sheer amount of systematic and consistent physical, psychological, and emotional abuse these kids go through is mind-boggling, almost capable of totally destroying their personality.

The mothers during some of those moments may become violent and inflict physical injuries on them over silly mistakes that any child could have made, yet it is the emotional scars that tend to be deeply imprinted in these individuals who carry it around with them everywhere long after they become adults. Their experiences prevent them from having normal friendships and relationships with others. It is not uncommon for them to still hear their mother’s voices in their head, issuing them commands, long after they have left home. Usually, efforts to move on and forget their experiences fail because of the frequent night flashes or dreams of moments, they were abused,

From the constant negative programming they receive from the enormous abuse, they find that they are unable to fit properly into the larger world, mostly viewing the world as unsafe, with everyone around them wanting to harm them in some way. Their mothers usually go out of their way to make them feel guilty for not behaving properly by constantly using that as a way of cheap blackmail to constantly keep them in line so that they are unable to break free. The bad child constantly suffers from anxiety, loneliness, guilt, fear, and sometimes depression.

Earliest Influences of a Mother with BPD

The damage inflicted by Borderline Personality Disorder on their children is believed to begin very early in their life even from the stage of infancy. These BPD mothers are found not to be capable of having that level of interaction and relationships mothers can have with their newborn. Their behavior towards their kids tends to be characterized by a high level of insensitivity, poor capacity to respond to the needs of the infant, and a high level of intrusion. Things that mothers are supposed to instinctively know and feel about their kids, BPD mothers have to be shown or taught how to do them.

When a child is born, the mother and the baby begin to develop a relationship and pattern through the activities of feeding, crying, playing, frustrations and pleasure. By actively bonding with the child, the mother can mirror the behavior of the child, including the babbling, smiling, clinging, and expressions of the infant quite early in the life of the child. As time begins to pass, the non-verbal communication between mother and infant improves to such an extent that the mother is able to differentiate different sounds the child makes to know when the infant is uncomfortable or requires cleaning up and analyze the smiles to know when the child is content or happy. The action of the kid and the mother’s response has the effect of comforting and socializing the kid through the smiles and gestures made helping to reinforce a back and forth relationship.

This sense of responsibility, emotional awareness, and imitation of the feelings of the infants are not feeling a BPD mother is able to internalize for herself and for her child, which makes it problematic for the mother to deliver an appropriate emotional response back to the child that can aid in the infant’s development. Mothers with BPD are believed by researchers not to have the emotional intelligence that mothers require to be able to properly engage in caring for their young infants. It is found that they are unable to properly identify, recognize, engage, and respond to the physical and emotional needs of their newly born child through touch, smiles, holding, and rocking the cradle. The difficulty of these mothers in identifying, and appropriately responding to the emotional state and psychological needs of their kids at this critical stage of their child’s development is what increases the risk of disorganized attachment to their kids robbing them of what they need to enjoy the security, safety, and comfort they deserve to have right from the start of their life. The ability of a mother to mirror the feelings of her child is a very important way for a mother to respond to the infant’s unique way of communicating. That means the smiles of the infant and the mother’s response with a smile all contribute to the child’s development and communication skills. A mother’s mirroring of the child’s expressions also teaches and shows the baby, the role the mother plays in their interaction.

For a mother with BPD, looking into the eyes of her child does not ignite any emotional feelings in her. She may struggle to be empathetic to the feelings of the child and the associated feeling new mothers experience when they give birth to a baby. She may also have difficulty experiencing the feelings of contentment and satisfaction other mothers are able to experience because of the defects in her personality which can prevent her from securely attaching.

So even at this early stage in the child’s life when she should be emotionally bonding with her child, she may feel fragmentation which does not allow her to be emotionally attached and rather see her baby as just any duty, she has to perform and not that mother and child bond that drives most mothers to cater for their kids.

Personality Disorder Symptoms

Persons with Personality Disorders tend to exhibit very fixed and unhealthy thought patterns, behavior, and attitude. They tend to have serious problems and limitations in their associations with others, which impacts significantly on their relationships, social and professional activities. The defect in their emotional intelligence prevents them from developing the skills needed to perceive and relate to situations and people around them.

Persons who have Personality Disorders begin to manifest from their teenage age or at the beginning of their adulthood. Sometimes, they can go through life without displaying any obvious signs of having a Personality Disorder in the way they think or act. It is only after they begin to show a consistent pattern of behavior that others around them may begin to notice their attitude and antisocial behavior.

Experts have been studying human behavior many years before the birth of Christ with the Greeks mostly leading the pack. Depending on the characteristics or symptoms displayed by each victim, professionals in the field of mental health classify Personality Disorders into different types. It is not uncommon for some of these traits to overlap or for the victim not to display all the signs expected for a particular disorder which can sometimes make it very difficult for a particular disorder to be diagnosed which is why only a Professionally trained Therapist is able to properly diagnose and tell what type of disorder a person suffers from. The rest of us only have to speculate based on our observations, and the effects they have on us.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Revision (DSM-5), is the document widely used in the US in diagnosing, recommending treatment, determining insurance coverage, and classifying cases of mental illness by researchers and clinicians. According to the DSM-5, there exist 10 different types, which can be further grouped into three clusters A, B, and C.

1 Paranoid Personality Disorder

2 Schizoid Personality Disorder

3 Schizotypal Disorder

4 Antisocial Personality Disorder

5 Borderline Personality Disorder

6 Histrionic Personality Disorder

7 Narcissistic Personality Disorder

8 Avoidant Personality Disorder

9 Dependent Personality Disorder

10 Anankastic (Obsessive-Compulsive) Personality Disorder

Cluster A Personality Disorders

Personality disorders in Cluster A are disorders in which victims display odd, eccentric thinking or behavior. They include:

1 Paranoid Personality Disorder

2 Schizoid Personality Disorder

3 Schizotypal Personality Disorder

Paranoid Personality Disorder

Common Traits associated with this disorder:

 Overly sensitive to innocuous remarks or jokes, perceiving as personal insults or attacks

 High levels of distrust and suspicion in the motives of the actions of others

 Highly suspicious of people, including friends, family, and partners

 Highly sensitive to failures, corrections, shame, and humiliation

 Unable to confide in others for fear of them using that information against them

 Angry or irrational reaction to perceived disrespects or insults

 Highly protective of personal space with a strong belief in insisting on personal rights

Schizoid Personality Disorder

Common Traits associated with this disorder:

 Detached and susceptible to introspection and fantasy

 Introverted with very little interest in social or interpersonal relationships

 Controlled display of emotional expressions

 Unable to partake in activities that involve pleasure

 Insensitive in picking up social cues

 Prefers being perceived as being cold or indifferent to others

 Little or no libido

Schizotypal Personality Disorder

 Unusual interest and beliefs and magical thoughts

 Peculiar fashion sense, beliefs, or behavior

 Troubled personality with hallucinations

 Bland emotions or inconsistent emotional responses

 Social anxiety and the protection of personal space

 Indifferent, and suspicious of others

 Belief in reading meanings to casual incidents or events

Cluster B Personality Disorders

Cluster B Personality Disorders are associated with the victims displaying behaviors that are characterized by erratic attitudes, dramatic behavior, and high emotions. These include:

1 Antisocial Personality Disorder

2 Borderline Personality Disorder

3 Histrionic Personality Disorder

4 Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Antisocial personality disorder

 Disregard for the needs or feelings of others

 Prone to telling lies, stealing, fraud, and deceit

 The frequent breaking of the law

 Disregards social rules and obligations

 Acts impulsively, irritably, and aggressively

 Unable to take responsibility and learn from previous experience

 Repeated violation of the rights of others

 Aggressive and violent behavior

 Disregard for the safety of self or others

 Impulsive and irresponsible behavior

Borderline Personality Disorder

 Erratic and risky behavior that include unprotected sex, gambling, or binge eating

 Distorted self-image and erratic intense relationships

 Unstable and intense relationships

 Consistent fear of abandonment

 Suicidal tendencies and self-inflicted injuries are common

 Lack of trust

 Self-centered