Read the book: «How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships»

Have you ever admired those successful people who seem to have it all? You see them chatting confidently at business meetings, comfortably at social parties. They’re the ones with the best jobs, the nicest spouses, the coolest friends, the biggest bank accounts, the most fashionable postcodes.

But wait a minute! A lot of them aren’t cleverer than you. They’re not more educated than you. They’re not even better looking! So what is it? (Some people suspect they inherited it. Others say they married it, or were just plain lucky. Tell them to think again.) What it boils down to is their more skilful way of dealing with fellow human beings.

You see, nobody gets to the top alone. Over the years, people who seem to ‘have it all’ have captured the hearts and conquered the minds of hundreds of others who helped boost them, rung by rung, to the top of whatever corporate or social ladder they chose.

Wannabes wandering around at the foot of the ladder often gaze up and complain that the Big Boys and Big Girls at the top are snobs. When Big Players don’t give them their friendship, love, or business, they call them ‘cliquish’ or accuse them of belonging to an ‘old-boy network.’ Some grumble they hit their heads against a ‘glass ceiling.’

The complaining Little Leaguers never realize the rejection was their own fault. They’ll never know they blew the affair, the friendship, or the deal due to their own communications fumbles. Why don’t they see it? Because some of the moves Big Winners make are so smooth, so subtle, it takes another Big Winner to recognize them.

The old boys – in the days when top management was, unfortunately, mainly old boys – complimented each other by saying, ‘Buddy, you ain’t no accident.’ They bestowed this slang tribute with a tinge of jealousy when one old boy saw some sensitive act the other had executed.

Indeed, today the old (and not so old) boys and girls who run our country, our corporations, and our arts ‘ain’t no accident.’ Each has a bag of tricks, a magic, a Midas touch that turns everything they do into success.

What’s in their bag of tricks? You’ll find a lot of things: There’s a substance that solidifies friendships, a wizardry that wins minds, and a magic that makes people fall in love with them. There’s also a quality that makes bosses hire and then promote, a characteristic that keeps clients coming back, and an asset that makes customers buy from them and not the competition. We all have a few of those tricks in our bags, some more than others. Those with a whole lot of them are Big Winners in life. How to Talk to Anyone gives you ninety-two of these little tricks used by Big Winners so you, too, can play the game to perfection and get whatever you want in life.

How the techniques were developed

Many years ago, a drama teacher, exasperated at my bad acting in a college play, shouted, ‘No! No! Your body is belying your words. Every tiny movement, every body position,’ he howled, ‘divulges your private thoughts. Your face can make seven thousand different expressions, and each exposes precisely who you are and what you are thinking at any particular moment.’ Then he said something I’ll never forget: ‘And your body! The way you move is your autobiography in motion.’

How right he was! On the stage of real life, every physical move you make subliminally tells everyone in eyeshot the story of your life. Dogs hear sounds our ears can’t detect. Bats see shapes in the darkness that elude our eyes. And people make moves that are beneath human consciousness but have tremendous power to attract or repel. Every smile, every frown, every syllable you utter, every arbitrary choice of word that passes between your lips, can draw others toward you, or make them want to run away.

Men, did your gut feeling ever tell you to jump ship on a deal? Women, did your women’s intuition make you accept or reject an offer? On a conscious level, we may not be aware of what the hunch is. But like the ear of the dog or the eye of the bat, the elements that make up subliminal sentiments are very real.

Imagine, please, two humans in a complex box wired with circuits to record all the signals flowing between the two. As many as 10,000 units of information flow per second. ‘Probably the lifetime efforts of roughly half the adult population of the United States would be required to sort the units in one hour’s interaction between two subjects,’ a University of Pennsylvania communications authority estimates.¹

With the zillions of subtle actions and reactions zapping back and forth between two human beings, can we come up with concrete techniques to make our every communication clear, confident, credible, and charismatic?

Determined to find the answer, I read practically every book written on communications skills, charisma, and chemistry between people. I explored hundreds of studies conducted around the world on what qualities made up leadership and credibility. Intrepid social scientists left no stone unturned in their quest to find the formula. For example, optimistic Chinese researchers, hoping charisma might be in the diet, went so far as to compare the relationship of personality type to the catecholamine level in subjects’ urine.² Needless to say, their thesis was soon shelved!

Most of the studies simply confirmed Dale Carnegie’s 1936 classic, How to Win Friends and Influence People.³ His wisdom for the ages said success lay in smiling, showing interest in other people, and making them feel good about themselves. ‘That’s no surprise,’ I thought. It’s as true today as it was over sixty years ago.

So if Dale Carnegie and hundreds of others since offer the same astute advice, why do any of us lack the right stuff to win friends and influence people?

Suppose a sage told you, ‘When in China, speak Chinese’ – but gave you no language lessons? Dale Carnegie and many communications experts are like that sage. They tell us what to do, but not how to do it. In today’s sophisticated world, it’s not enough to say ‘smile’ or ‘give sincere compliments.’ Cynical business people today see more subtleties in your smile, more complexities in your compliment. Accomplished or attractive people are surrounded by smiling sycophants feigning interest and fawning all over them. Prospects are tired of salespeople who say, ‘The suit looks great on you,’ when their fingers are caressing cash register keys. Women are wary of suitors who say, ‘You are beautiful,’ when the bedroom door is in view.

The world is a very different place than it was in 1936, and we need a new formula for success. To find it, I observed the superstars of today. I explored techniques used by top salespeople to close the sale, speakers to convince, clergy to convert, performers to engross, sex symbols to seduce, and athletes to win.

I found concrete building blocks to the elusive qualities that lead to their success.

Then I broke them down into easily digestible, news-you-can-use techniques. I gave each a name that will quickly come to mind when you find yourself in a communications conundrum. As I developed the techniques, I began sharing them with audiences around the US. Participants in my communications seminars gave me their ideas. My clients, many of them CEOs of Fortune 500 companies^*, enthusiastically offered their observations.

When I was in the presence of the most successful and beloved leaders, I analyzed their body language, their facial expressions. I listened carefully to their casual conversations, their timing, and their choice of words. I watched as they dealt with their families, their friends, their associates, and their adversaries. Every time I detected a little nip of magic in their communicating, I asked them to pluck it out with tweezers and expose it to the bright light of consciousness. We analyzed it together, and I then turned it into a technique others could duplicate and profit from.

In this book are my findings and the strokes of some of those very effective folks. Some are subtle. Some are surprising. But all are achievable. When you master them, everyone from new acquaintances to family, friends, and business associates will happily open their hearts, their homes, their companies, even their wallets to give you whatever they can.

There’s a bonus. As you sail through life with your new communications skills, you’ll look back and see some very happy givers smiling in your wake.

* The top 500 companies in terms of turnover every year, as listed in Fortune magazine.

There are two kinds of people in this life:

Those who walk into a room and say, ‘Well, here I am!’

And those who walk in and say, ‘Ahh, there you are.’

The moment two humans lay eyes on each other has awesome potency. The first sight of you is a brilliant holograph. It burns its way into your new acquaintance’s eyes and can stay emblazoned in his or her memory forever.

Artists are sometimes able to capture this quicksilver, fleeting emotional response. I have a friend, Robert Grossman, an accomplished caricature artist who draws regularly for Forbes, Newsweek, Sports Illustrated, Rolling Stone and other popular North American publications. Bob has a unique gift for capturing not only the physical appearance of his subjects, but zeroing in on the essence of their personalities. The bodies and souls of hundreds of luminaries radiate from his sketch pad. One glance at his caricatures of famous people and you can see, for instance, the insecure arrogance of Madonna, the imperiousness of Newt Gingrich, the bitchiness of Leona Helmsley.

Sometimes at a party, Bob will do a quick sketch on a cocktail napkin of a guest. Hovering over Bob’s shoulder, the onlookers gasp as they watch their friend’s image and essence materialize before their eyes. When he’s finished drawing, he puts his pen down and hands the napkin to the subject. Often a puzzled look comes over the subject’s face. He or she usually mumbles some politeness like, ‘Well, er, that’s great. But it really isn’t me.’

The crowd’s convincing crescendo of ‘Oh yes it is!’ drowns the subject out and squelches any lingering doubt. The confused subject is left to stare back at the world’s view of himself or herself in the napkin.

Once when I was visiting Bob’s studio, I asked him how he could capture people’s personalities so well. He said, ‘It’s simple. I just look at them.’

‘No,’ I asked, ‘How do you capture their personalities? Don’t you have to do a lot of research about their lifestyle, their history?’

‘No, I told you, Leil, I just look at them.’

‘Huh?’

He went on to explain, ‘Almost every facet of people’s personalities is evident from their appearance, their posture, the way they move. For instance …’ he said, calling me over to a file where he kept his caricatures of political figures.

‘See,’ Bob said, pointing to angles on various presidential body parts, ‘here’s the boyishness of Clinton,’ showing me his half smile; ‘the awkwardness of George Bush,’ pointing to his shoulder angle; ‘the charm of Reagan,’ putting his finger on the ex-president’s smiling eyes; ‘the shiftiness of Nixon,’ pointing to the furtive tilt of his head. Digging a little deeper into his file, he pulled out Franklin Delano Roosevelt and, pointing to the nose high in the air, ‘Here’s the pride of FDR.’ It’s all in the face and the body.

First impressions are indelible. Why? Because in our fast-paced information-overload world of multiple stimuli bombarding us every second, people’s heads are spinning. They must form quick judgments to make sense of the world and get on with what they have to do. So, whenever people meet you, they take an instant mental snapshot. That image of you becomes the data they deal with for a very long time.

Your body shrieks before your lips can speak

Is their data accurate? Amazingly enough, yes. Even before your lips part and the first syllable escapes, the essence of YOU has already axed its way into their brains. The way you look and the way you move is more than 80 per cent of someone’s first impression of you. Not one word need be spoken.

I’ve lived and worked in countries where I didn’t speak the native language. Yet, without one understandable syllable spoken between us, the years proved my first impressions were on target. Whenever I met new colleagues, I could tell instantly how friendly they felt toward me, how confident they were, and approximately how much stature they had in the company. I could sense, just from seeing them move, which were the heavyweights and which were the welterweights.

I have no extrasensory skill. You’d know, too. How? Because before you have had time to process a rational thought, you get a sixth sense about someone. Studies have shown emotional reactions occur even before the brain has had time to register what’s causing that reaction.⁴ Thus the moment someone looks at you, he or she experiences a massive hit, the impact of which lays the groundwork for the entire relationship. Bob told me he captures that first hit in creating his caricatures.

Deciding to pursue my own agenda for How to Talk to Anyone, I asked, ‘Bob, if you wanted to portray somebody really cool – you know, intelligent, strong, charismatic, principled, fascinating, caring, interested in other people …’

‘Easy,’ Bob interrupted. He knew precisely what I was getting at. ‘Just give ’em great posture, a heads-up look, a confident smile, and a direct gaze.’ It’s the ideal image for somebody who’s a Somebody.

How to look like a somebody

A friend of mine, Karen, is a highly respected professional in the home-furnishings business. Her husband is an equally big name in the communications field. They have two small sons.

Whenever Karen is at a home-furnishings industry event, everyone pays deference to her. She’s a Very Important Person in that world. Her colleagues at conventions jostle for position just to be seen casually chatting with her and, they hope, be photographed rubbing elbows with her for industry bibles like Home Furnishings Executive and Furniture World.

Yet, Karen complains, when she accompanies her husband to communications functions, she might as well be a nobody. When she takes her kids to school functions, she’s just another mum. She once asked me, ‘Leil, how can I stand out from the crowd so people who don’t know me will approach me and at least assume I’m an interesting person?’ The techniques in this section accomplish precisely that. When you use the next nine techniques, you will come across as a special person to everyone you meet. You will stand out as a Somebody in whatever crowd you find yourself in, even if it’s not your crowd.

Let’s start with your smile.

Smile quick? or smile special?

In 1936, one of Dale Carnegie’s six musts in How to Win Friends and Influence People was SMILE! His edict has been echoed each decade by practically every communications guru who ever put pen to paper or mouth to microphone. However, at the turn of the millennium, it’s high time we re-examine the role of the smile in high-level human relations. When you dig deeper into Dale’s dictum, you’ll find a 1936 quick smile doesn’t always work. Especially nowadays.

The old-fashioned instant grin carries no weight with today’s sophisticated crowd. Look at world leaders, negotiators, and corporate giants. Not a smiling sycophant among them. Key Players in all walks of life enrich their smile so, when it does erupt, it has more potency and the world smiles with them.

Researchers have catalogued dozens of different types of smiles. They range from the tight rubber band of a trapped liar to the soft squishy smile of a tickled infant. There are warm smiles and cold smiles. There are real smiles and fake smiles. (You’ve seen plenty of those plastered on the faces of friends who say they’re ‘delighted you decided to drop by,’ and presidential candidates visiting your city who say they’re ‘thrilled to be in, uh … uh …’) Big Winners know their smile is one of their most powerful weapons, so they’ve fine-tuned it for maximum impact.

How to fine-tune your smile

I have an old college friend named Missy who, just last year, took over her family business, a company supplying corrugated boxes to manufacturers. One day she called saying she was coming to New York to court new clients and she invited me to dinner with several of her prospects. I was looking forward to once again seeing my friend’s quicksilver smile and hearing her contagious laugh. Missy was an incurable giggler, and that was part of her charm.

When her Dad passed away last year, she told me she was taking over the business. I thought Missy’s personality was a little bubbly to be a CEO in a tough business. But, hey, what do I know about the corrugated box biz?

She, I, and three of her potential clients met in the cocktail lounge of a midtown restaurant and, as we led them into the dining room, Missy whispered in my ear, ‘Please call me Melissa tonight.’

‘Of course,’ I winked back, ‘not many company presidents are called Missy!’ Soon after the maitre d’ seated us, I began noticing Melissa was a very different woman from the giggling girl I’d known in college. She was just as charming. She smiled as much as ever. Yet something was different. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

Although she was still effervescent, I had the distinct impression everything Melissa said was more insightful and sincere. She was responding with genuine warmth to her prospective clients, and I could tell they liked her, too. I was thrilled because my friend was scoring a knockout that night. By the end of the evening, Melissa had three big new clients.

Afterward, alone with her in the cab, I said, ‘Missy, you’ve really come a long way since you took over the company. Your whole personality has developed, well, a really cool, sharp corporate edge.’

‘Uh uh, only one thing has changed,’ she said.

‘What’s that?’

‘My smile,’ she said.

‘Your what?’ I asked incredulously.

‘My smile,’ she repeated as though I hadn’t heard her. ‘You see,’ she said, with a distant look coming into her eyes, ‘when Dad got sick and knew in a few years I’d have to take over the business, he sat me down and had a life-changing conversation with me. I’ll never forget his words. Dad said, “Missy, Honey, remember that old song, ‘I Loves Ya, Honey, But Yer Feet’s Too Big?’” Well, if you’re going to make it big in the box business, let me say, “I loves ya, Honey, but your smile’s too quick.”

‘He then brought out a yellowed newspaper article quoting a study he’d been saving to show me when the time was right. It concerned women in business. The study showed women who were slower to smile in corporate life were perceived as more credible.’

As Missy talked, I began to think about women like Margaret Thatcher, Indira Gandhi, Golda Meir, Madeleine Albright, and other powerful women of their ilk. True, they were not known for their quick smiles.

Missy continued, ‘The study went on to say a big, warm smile is an asset. But only when it comes a little slower, because then it has more credibility.’ From that moment on, Missy explained, she gave clients and business associates her big smile. However, she trained her lips to erupt more slowly. Thus her smile appeared more sincere and personalized for the recipient.

That was it! Missy’s slower smile gave her personality a richer, deeper, more sincere cachet. Though the delay was less than a second, the recipients of her beautiful big smile felt it was special, and just for them.

I decided to do more research on the smile. When you’re in the market for shoes, you begin to look at everyone’s feet. When you decide to change your hairstyle, you look at everyone’s haircut. Well, for several months, I became a steady smile watcher. I watched smiles on the street. I watched smiles on TV. I watched the smiles of politicians, the clergy, corporate giants, and world leaders. My findings? Amidst the sea of flashing teeth and parting lips, I discovered the people perceived to have the most credibility and integrity were just ever so slower to smile. Then, when they did, their smiles seemed to seep into every crevice of their faces and envelop them like a slow flood. Thus I call the following technique The Flooding Smile.

Technique 1:

The flooding smile

Don’t flash an immediate smile when you greet someone, as though anyone who walked into your line of sight would be the beneficiary. Instead, look at the other person’s face for a second. Pause. Soak in their persona. Then let a big, warm, responsive smile flood over your face and overflow into your eyes. It will engulf the recipient like a warm wave. The split-second delay convinces people your flooding smile is genuine and only for them.

Let us now travel but a few inches north to two of the most powerful communications tools you possess, your eyes.

How to detonate those grenades resting on your nose

It’s only a slight exaggeration to say Helen of Troy could sink ships with her eyes and Davy Crockett could stare down a bear. Your eyes are personal grenades that have the power to detonate people’s emotions. Just as martial arts masters register their fists as lethal weapons, you can register your eyes as psychological lethal weapons when you master the following eye-contact techniques.

Big Players in the game of life look beyond the conventional wisdom that teaches ‘Keep good eye contact.’ For one, they understand that to certain suspicious or insecure people, intense eye contact can be a virulent intrusion.

When I was growing up, my family had a Haitian housekeeper whose fantasies were filled with witches, warlocks and black magic. Zola refused to be left alone in a room with Louie, my Siamese cat. ‘Louie looks right through me – sees my soul,’ she’d whisper to me fearfully.

In some cultures, intense eye contact is sorcery. In others, staring at someone can be threatening or disrespectful. Realizing this, Big Players in the international scene prefer to pack a book on cultural body-language differences in their carry-on rather than a Berlitz phrase book. In our culture, however, Big Winners know exaggerated eye contact can be extremely advantageous, especially between the sexes. In business, even when romance is not in the picture, strong eye contact packs a powerful wallop between men and women.

A Boston centre conducted a study to learn the precise effect.⁵ The researchers asked opposite-sex individuals to have a two-minute casual conversation. They tricked half their subjects into maintaining intense eye contact by directing them to count the number of times their partner blinked. They gave the other half of the subjects no special eye-contact directions for the chat.

When they questioned the subjects afterward, the unsuspecting blinkers reported significantly higher feelings of respect and fondness for their colleagues who, unbeknown to them, had simply been counting their blinks.

I’ve experienced the closeness intense eye contact engenders with a stranger firsthand. Once, when giving a seminar to several hundred people, one woman’s face in the crowd caught my attention. The participant’s appearance was not particularly unique. Yet she became the focus of my attention throughout my talk. Why? Because not for one moment did she take her eyes off my face. Even when I finished making a point and was silent, her eyes stayed hungrily on my face. I sensed she couldn’t wait to savour the next insight to spout from my lips. I loved it! Her concentration and obvious fascination inspired me to remember stories and make important points I’d long forgotten.

Right after my talk, I resolved to seek out this new friend who was so enthralled by my speech. As people were leaving the hall, I quickly sidled up behind my big fan. ‘Excuse me,’ I said. My fan kept walking. ‘Excuse me,’ I repeated a tad louder. My admirer didn’t vary her pace as she continued out the door. I followed her into the corridor and tapped her shoulder gently. This time she whirled around with a surprised look on her face. I mumbled some excuse about my appreciating her concentration on my talk and wanting to ask her a few questions.

‘Did you, uh, get much out of the seminar?’ I ventured.

‘Well, not really,’ she answered candidly. ‘I had difficulty understanding what you were saying because you were walking around on the platform facing different directions.’

In a heartbeat, I understood. The woman was hearing impaired. I did not captivate her as I had suspected. She was not intrigued by my talk as I had hoped. The only reason she kept her eyes glued on my face was because she was struggling to read my lips!

Nevertheless, her eye contact had given me such pleasure and inspiration during my talk that, tired as I was, I asked her to join me for coffee. I spent the next hour recapping my entire seminar just for her. Powerful stuff this eye contact.

Sticky eyes also means intelligent eyes

There is yet another argument for intense eye contact. In addition to awakening feelings of respect and affection, maintaining strong eye contact gives you the impression of being an intelligent and abstract thinker. Because abstract thinkers integrate incoming data more easily than concrete thinkers, they can continue looking into someone’s eyes even during the silences. Their thought processes are not distracted by peering into their partner’s peepers.⁶

Back to our valiant psychologists. Yale University researchers, thinking they had the unswerving truth about eye contact, conducted another study which, they assumed, would confirm ‘the more eye contact, the more positive feelings.’ This time, they directed subjects to deliver a personally revealing monologue. They asked the listeners to react with a sliding scale of eye contact while their partners talked.

The results? All went as expected when women told their personal stories to women. Increased eye contact encouraged feelings of intimacy. But, whoops, it wasn’t so with the men. Some men felt hostile when stared at too long by another man. Other men felt threatened. Some few even suspected their partner was more interested than he should be and wanted to slug him.

Your partner’s emotional reaction to your profound gaze has a biological base. When you look intently at someone, it increases their heartbeat and shoots an adrenaline-like substance gushing through their veins.⁷ This is the same physical reaction people have when they start to fall in love. And when you consciously increase your eye contact, even during normal business or social interaction, people will feel they have captivated you.

Men talking to women and women talking to men or women: use the following technique, which I call Sticky Eyes, for the joy of the recipient – and for your own advantage. (Men, I’ll have a man-to-man modification of this technique for you in a moment.)

Technique 2:

Sticky eyes

Pretend your eyes are glued to your Conversation Partner’s with sticky warm toffee. Don’t break eye contact even after he or she has finished speaking. When you must look away, do it ever so slowly, reluctantly, stretching the gooey toffee until the tiny string finally breaks.

What about men’s eyes?

Now gentlemen: when talking to men, you, too, can use Sticky Eyes. Just make them a little less sticky when discussing personal matters with other men, lest your listener feel threatened or misinterpret your intentions. But do increase your eye contact slightly more than normal with men on day-to-day communications – and a lot more when talking to women. It broadcasts a visceral message of comprehension and respect.

I have a friend, Sammy, a salesman who unwittingly comes across as an arrogant chap. He doesn’t mean to, but sometimes his brusque manner makes it look like he’s running roughshod over people’s feelings.

Once while we were having dinner together in a restaurant, I told him about the Sticky Eyes technique. I guess he took it to heart. When the waiter came over, Sammy, uncharacteristically, instead of bluntly blurting out his order with his nose in the menu, looked at the waiter. He smiled, gave his order for the appetizer, and kept his eyes on the waiter’s for an extra second before looking down again at the menu to choose the main dish. I can’t tell you how different Sammy seemed to me just then! He came across as a sensitive and caring man, and all it took was two extra seconds of eye contact. I saw the effect it had on the waiter, too. We received exceptionally gracious service the rest of the evening.

A week later Sammy called me and said, ‘Leil, Sticky Eyes has changed my life. I’ve been following it to a T. with women, I make my eyes real sticky, and with men slightly sticky. And now everybody’s treating me with such deference. I think it’s part of the reason I’ve made more sales this week than all last month!’

If you deal with customers or clients in your professional life, Sticky Eyes is a definite boon to your bottom line. To most people in our culture, profound eye contact signals trust, knowledge, an ‘I’m here for you’ attitude.

Let’s carry Sticky Eyes one step further. Like a potent medicine that has the power to kill or cure, the next eye-contact technique has the potential to captivate or annihilate.

Bring on the big guns

Now we haul in the heavy eyeball artillery: very sticky eyes or superglue eyes. Let’s call them Epoxy Eyes. Big Bosses use Epoxy Eyes to evaluate employees. Police investigators use Epoxy Eyes to intimidate suspected criminals. And clever Romeos use Epoxy Eyes to make women fall in love with them. (If romance is your goal, Epoxy Eyes is a proven aphrodisiac.)

The Epoxy Eyes technique takes at least three people to pull off – you, your target, and one other person. Here’s how it works: Usually, when you’re chatting with two or more people, you gaze at the person who is speaking. However, the Epoxy Eyes technique suggests you concentrate on the listener – your target – rather than the speaker. This slightly disorients Target and he or she silently asks, ‘Why is this person looking at me instead of the speaker?’ Target senses you are extremely interested in his or her reactions. This can be beneficial in certain business situations when it is appropriate that you judge the listener.

Human resources professionals often use Epoxy Eyes, not as a technique, but because they are sincerely interested in a prospective employee’s reaction to certain ideas being presented. Lawyers, bosses, police investigators, psychologists, and others who must examine subjects’ reactions also use Epoxy Eyes for analytical purposes.

When you use Epoxy Eyes, it sends out signals of interest blended with complete confidence in yourself. But because Epoxy Eyes puts you in a position of evaluating or judging someone else, you must be careful. Don’t overdo it or you could come across as arrogant and brazen.

Technique 3:

Epoxy eyes

This brazen technique packs a powerful punch. Watch your target person even when someone else is talking. No matter who is speaking, keep looking at the man or woman you want to impact.

Sometimes using full Epoxy Eyes is too potent, so here is a gentler, yet effective, form: Watch the speaker but let your glance bounce to your target each time the speaker finishes a point. This way Mr or Ms Target still feels you are intrigued by his or her reactions, yet there is relief from the intensity.

When love is on your mind

If romance is on the horizon, Epoxy Eyes transmits yet another message. It says, ‘I can’t take my eyes off you’ or ‘I only have eyes for you.’ Anthropologists have dubbed eyes ‘the initial organ of romance’ because studies show intense eye contact plays havoc with our heartbeat.⁸ It also releases a druglike substance into our nervous system called phenylethylamine. Since this is the hormone detected in the human body during erotic excitement, intense eye contact can be a turn-on.

Men, Epoxy Eyes is extremely effective on women – if they find you attractive. The lady interprets her nervous reaction to your untoward gaze as budding infatuation. If she does not like you, however, your Epoxy Eyes are downright obnoxious. (Never use Epoxy Eyes on strangers in public settings or you could get arrested!)

Do you remember the lyrics to the old Shirley Bassey song?

The minute you walked in the joint, I could see you were a man of distinction – a real big spender.

Good looking, so refined. Say wouldn’t you like to know what’s going on in my mind?

The goal of this first section is not to make you look like a real big spender. Rather it is to give you the cachet of a real big Somebody the moment people lay eyes on you. To that end, we now explore the most important technique to make you look like a Very Important Person.

‘The minute you walked in the joint, I knew you were a real big winner’

When the doctor smacks your knee with that nasty little hammer, your foot jerks forward. Thus the phrase knee-jerk reaction. Your body has another instinctive reaction. When a big jolt of happiness hits your heart and you feel like a Winner, your head jerks up automatically and you throw your shoulders back. A smile frames your lips and softens your eyes.

This is the look Winners have constantly. They stand with assurance. They move with confidence. They smile softly with pride. No doubt about it! Good posture symbolizes you are a man or woman who is used to being on top.

Obviously millions of mothers sticking their knuckles between their kids’ shoulder blades, and trillions of teachers telling students, ‘Stand up straight!’ hasn’t done the trick. We are a nation of slouchers. We need a technique more stern than teachers, more persuasive than parents, to make us stand like a Somebody.

In one profession, perfect posture, perfect equilibrium, perfect balance is not only desirable – it’s a matter of life and death. One false move, one slump of the shoulders, one hangdog look, can mean curtains for the high-wire acrobat.

I’ll never forget the first time Mama took me to the circus. When seven men and women raced into the centre ring, the crowd rose as though they were all joined at the hips. They cheered with one thunderous voice. Mama pressed her lips against my ear and reverently whispered these were the Great Wallendas, the only troupe in the world to perform the seven-person pyramid without a net.

In an instant, the crowd became hushed. Not a cough or a Coke slurp was heard in the big top as Karl and Herman Wallenda shouted cues in German to their trusting relatives. The family meticulously and majestically ascended into the position of a human pyramid. They then balanced precariously on a thin wire hundreds of feet above the hard dirt with no net between them and sudden death. The vision was unforgettable.

To me, equally unforgettable was the beauty and grace of the seven Wallendas racing into the centre of the big top to take their bows. Each perfectly aligned – head high, shoulders back – standing so tall it still didn’t seem like their feet were touching the ground. Every muscle in their bodies defined pride, success, and their joy of being alive. (Still!) Here is a visualization technique to get your body looking like a Winner who is in the habit of feeling that pride, success, and joy of being alive.

Your posture is your biggest success barometer

Imagine you are a world-renowned acrobat, master of the iron-jaw act waiting in the wings of the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey circus. Soon you will dart into the centre ring to captivate the crowd with the precision and balance of your body.

Before walking through any door – the door to your office, a party, a meeting, even your kitchen – picture a leather bit hanging by a cable from the frame. It is swinging just an inch higher than your head. As you pass through the door, throw your head back and chomp on the imaginary dental grip which first pulls your cheeks back into a smile, and then lifts you up. As you ascend high above the gasping crowd, your body is stretched into perfect alignment – head high, shoulders back, torso out of hips, feet weightless. At the zenith of the tent, you spin like a graceful top to the amazement and admiration of the crowd craning their necks to watch you. Now you look like a Somebody.

One day, to test Hang by Your Teeth, I decided to count how many times I walked through a doorway. Sixty times, even at home. You calculate: twice out your front door, twice in, six times to the bathroom, eight times to the kitchen, and through countless doors at your office. It adds up. Visualize anything sixty times a day and it becomes a habit! Habitual good posture is the first mark of a Big Winner.

Technique 4:

Hang by your teeth

Visualize a circus iron-jaw bit hanging from the frame of every door you walk through. Take a bite and, with it firmly between your teeth, let it swoop you to the peak of the big top. When you Hang by Your Teeth, every muscle is stretched into perfect posture position.

You are now ready to float into the room to captivate the crowd or close the sale (or maybe just settle for looking like the most important Somebody in the room).

You now have all the basics Bob the artist needs to portray you as a Big Winner. Like he said, ‘great posture, a heads-up look, a confident smile, and a direct gaze.’ The ideal image for somebody who’s a Somebody.

Now let’s put the whole act into motion. It’s time to turn your attention outward to your Conversation Partner. Use the next two techniques to make him or her feel like a million.

‘Well, how do you like me so far?’

Remember the old joke? The comic comes onstage and the first words out of his mouth are, ‘Well, how do you like me so far?’ The audience always cracks up. Why? Because we all silently ask that question. Whenever we meet someone, we know, consciously or subconsciously, how they’re reacting to us.

Do they look at us? Do they smile? Do they lean toward us? Do they somehow recognize how wonderful and special we are? We like those people. They have good taste. Or do they turn away, obviously unimpressed by our magnificence. The cretins!

Two people getting to know each other are like little puppies sniffing each other out. We don’t have tails that wag or hair that bristles. But we do have eyes that narrow or widen. And hands that flash knuckles or subconsciously soften in the palms-up ‘I submit’ position. We have dozens of other involuntary reactions that take place in the first few moments of togetherness.

Attorneys conducting voir dire are exquisitely aware of this. They pay close attention to your instinctive body reactions. They watch to see how fully you are facing them and just how far forward or back you’re leaning while answering their questions. They check out your hands. Are they softly open, palms up, signifying acceptance of the ideas they’re expressing? Or are you making a slight fist, knuckles out, signalling rejection? They scrutinize your face for the split seconds you break eye contact when discussing relevant subjects like your feelings on big awards for damages, or the death penalty. Sometimes attorneys bring along a legal assistant whose sole job is to sit on the sidelines and take precise note of your every fidget.

An interesting aside: trial lawyers often choose women to do this twitch-and-turn spying job because, traditionally, females are sharper observers of subtle body cues than males. Women, more sensitive to emotions than men, often ask their husbands, ‘Is something bothering you, Honey?’ (These supersensitive women accuse their husbands of being so insensitive to emotions that they wouldn’t notice anything is wrong until their neckties are drenched in her tears.)

The attorney and the assistant then review your ‘score’ on the dozens of subconscious signals you flashed. Depending on their tally, you could find yourself on jury duty or twiddling your thumbs back in the juror’s waiting room.

Trial lawyers are so conscious of body language that, in the 1960s during the famous trial of the Chicago Seven, defence attorney William Kuntsler actually made a legal objection to Judge Julius Hoffman’s posture. During the summation by the prosecution, Judge Hoffman leaned forward which, accused Kuntsler, sent a message to the jury of attention and interest. During his defence summation, complained Kuntsler, Judge Hoffman leaned back, sending the jury a subliminal message of disinterest.

You’re on trial – and you only have ten seconds!

Like lawyers deciding whether they want you on their case, everybody you meet makes a subconscious judgment on whether they want you in their lives. They base their verdict greatly on the same signals, your body-language answer to their unspoken question, ‘Well, how do you like me so far?’

The first few moments of your reactions set the stage upon which the entire relationship will be played out. If you ever want anything from the new acquaintance, your unspoken answer to their unspoken question, ‘How do you like me so far?’ must be, ‘Wow! I really like you.’

When a little four-year-old feels bashful, he slumps, puts his arms up in front of his chest, steps back, and hides behind mummy’s skirt. However, when little Johnny sees daddy come home, he runs up to him, he smiles, his eyes get wide, and he opens his arms for a hug. A loving child’s body is like a tiny flower bud unfolding to the sunshine.

Twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years of life on earth make little difference. When forty-year-old Johnny is feeling timid, he slumps and folds his arms in front of his chest. When he wants to reject a salesman or business colleague, he turns away and closes him off with a myriad of body signals. However, when welcoming his loved one home after an absence, big Johnny opens his body to her like a giant daffodil spreading its petals to the sun after a rainstorm.

Respond to the hidden infant

Once I was at a corporate star-studded party with an attractive recently divorced friend of mine. Carla had been a copywriter with one of the leading advertising agencies which, like so many companies then, had downsized. My girlfriend was both out of work and out of a relationship.

At this particular party, the pickings for Carla were good, both personally and professionally. Several times as Carla and I stood talking, one good-looking corporate male beast or another would find himself within a few feet of us. More often than not, one of these desirable males would flash his teeth at Carla. She sometimes graced the tentatively courting male with a quick smile over her shoulder. But then she’d turn back to our mundane conversation as though she were hanging on my every word. I knew she was trying not to look anxious, but inside Carla was crying out, ‘Why doesn’t he come and speak to us?’

Right after one prize corporate Big Cat smiled but, due to Carla’s minimal reaction, wandered back into the social jungle, I had to say, ‘Carla, do you know who that was? He’s the head of the Young & Rubicam in Paris. They’re looking for copywriters willing to relocate. And he’s single!’ Carla moaned.

Just then we heard a little voice down by Carla’s left knee. ‘Hello!’ We looked down simultaneously. Little five-year-old Willie, the hostess’s adorable young son, was tugging on Carla’s skirt, obviously craving attention.

‘Well, well, well,’ Carla cried out, a big smile erupting all over her face. Carla turned toward him. Carla kneeled down. Carla touched little Willie’s elbow. And Carla crooned, ‘Well, hello there, Willie. How are you enjoying mummy’s nice party?’

Little Willie beamed.

When little Willie finally trundled off to tug on the garments of the next group of potential attention givers, Carla and I returned to our grown-up conversing. During our chat, corporate beasts continued to stalk Carla with their eyes. And Carla continued casting half smiles at them. She was obviously disappointed none of them were making a further approach. I had to bite my tongue. Finally, when I felt it was going to bleed from the pressure of my teeth, I said, ‘Carla, have you been noticing that four or five men have come over and smiled at you?’

‘Yes,’ Carla whispered, her eyes darting nervously around the room lest anyone overhear us.

‘And you’ve been giving them little half smiles,’ I continued.

‘Yes,’ she murmured, now confused at my question.

‘Remember when little Willie came up and tugged on your skirt? Do you recall how you smiled that beautiful big smile of yours, turned toward him, and welcomed him into our grown-up conversation?’

‘Yee-es,’ she answered haltingly.

‘Well, I have a request, Carla. The next man who smiles at you, I want you to give him that same big smile you gave Willie. I want you to turn toward him just like you did then. Maybe even reach out and touch his arm like you did Willie’s, and then welcome him into our conversation.’

‘Oh Leil, I couldn’t do that.’

‘Carla, do it!’ Sure enough, within a few minutes, another attractive man wandered our way and smiled. Carla played her role to perfection. She flashed her beautiful teeth, turned fully toward him, and said, ‘Hello, come join us.’ He wasted no time accepting Carla’s invitation.

After a few moments, I excused myself. Neither noticed my departure because they were in animated conversation. The last glimpse I had of my friend at the party was her floating out the door on the arm of her new friend.

Just then the technique I call the Big-Baby Pivot was born. It is a skill that will help you win whatever your heart desires from whatever type of beasts you encounter in the social or corporate jungle.

Technique 5:

The big-baby pivot

Give everyone you meet the Big-Baby Pivot. The instant the two of you are introduced, reward your new acquaintance. Give the warm smile, the total-body turn, and the undivided attention you would give a tiny tyke who crawled up to your feet, turned a precious face up to yours, and beamed a big toothless grin. Pivoting 100 per cent toward New Person shouts ‘I think you are very, very special.’

Remember, deep inside everyone is a big baby rattling the crib, wailing out for recognition of how very special he or she is.

The next technique reinforces their suspicion that they are, indeed, the centre of the universe.

The secret to making people like you

A very wise man with the funny name of Zig⁹ once told me, ‘People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care … about them.’ Zig Ziglar is right. The secret to making people like you is showing how much you like them!

Your body is a twenty-four-hour broadcasting station revealing to anyone within eyeshot precisely how you feel at any given moment. Even if your Hang by Your Teeth posture is gaining their respect, your Flooding Smile and Big-Baby Pivot are making them feel special, and your Sticky Eyes are capturing their hearts and minds, the rest of your body can reveal any incongruence. Every inch – from the crinkle of your forehead to the position of your feet – must give a command performance if you want to effectively present an ‘I care about you’ attitude.

Unfortunately, when meeting someone, our brains are in overdrive. Remember Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar? He said of Cassius, he ‘has a lean and hungry look – he thinks too much – such men are dangerous.’ So it is with our brains when conversing with a new acquaintance. Our brains become lean. (Some of us are fighting off shyness. Others are frantically sizing up the situation.) And hungry (we’re deciding what, if anything, we want from this potential relationship). So we think too much instead of responding with candid, unselfconscious friendliness. Such actions are dangerous to impending friendship, love, or commerce.

When our bodies are shooting off 10,000 bullets of stimuli every second, a few shots are apt to misfire and reveal shyness or hidden hostility. We need a technique to assure every shot aims right at the heart of our subject. We need to trick our bodies into reacting perfectly.

To find it, let’s explore the only time we don’t need to worry about any shyness or negativity slipping out through our body language. It’s when we feel none. That happens when we’re chatting with close friends. When we see someone we love or feel completely comfortable with, we respond warmly from head to toe without a thought. Our lips part happily. We step closer. Our arms reach out. Our eyes become soft and wide. Even our palms turn up and our bodies turn fully toward our dear friend.

How to trick your body into doing everything right

Here’s a visualization technique that accomplishes all that. It guarantees that everyone you encounter will feel your warmth. I call it Hello Old Friend.

When meeting someone, play a mental trick on yourself. In your mind’s eye, see him or her as an old friend, someone you had a wonderful relationship with years ago. But somehow you lost track of your friend. You tried so hard to find your good buddy, but there was no listing in the phone book. No information on-line. None of your mutual friends had a clue.

Suddenly, WOW! What a surprise! After all those years, the two of you are reunited. You are so happy.

That’s where the pretending stops. Obviously, you are not going to try to convince New Person that the two of you are really old friends. You are not going to hug and kiss and say, ‘Great to see you again!’ or ‘How have you been all these years?’ You merely say, ‘Hello,’ ‘How do you do,’ ‘I am pleased to meet you.’ But, inside, it’s a very different story.

You will amaze yourself. The delight of rediscovery fills your face and buoys up your body language. I sometimes jokingly say if you were a light, you’d beam on the other person. If you were a dog, you’d be wagging your tail. You make New Person feel very special indeed.

Technique 6:

Hello old friend

When meeting someone, imagine he or she is an old friend (an old customer, an old beloved, or someone else you had great affection for). How sad, the vicissitudes of life tore you two asunder. But, holy mackerel, now the party (the meeting, the convention) has reunited you with your long-lost old friend!

The joyful experience starts a remarkable chain reaction in your body from the subconscious softening of your eyebrows to the positioning of your toes – and everything between.

In my seminars, I first have people introduce themselves to another participant before they’ve learned the Hello Old Friend technique. The group chats as though at a pleasant semi-formal gathering. Later I ask them to introduce themselves to another stranger, imagining they are old friends. The difference is extraordinary. When they’re using Hello Old Friend, the room comes alive. The atmosphere is charged with good feeling. The air sparkles with happier, high-energy people. They are standing closer, laughing more sincerely, and reaching out to one another. I feel like I’m attending a terrific bash that’s been going on for hours.

Not a word need be spoken

The Hello Old Friend technique even supersedes language. Whenever you’re travelling in countries where you don’t speak the native tongue, be sure to use it. If you find yourself with a group of people who are all speaking a language unknown to you, just imagine them to be a group of your old friends. Everything is fine except they momentarily forgot how to speak English. In spite of the fact you won’t understand a word, your whole body still responds with congeniality and acceptance.

I’ve used the Hello Old Friend technique while travelling in Europe. Sometimes my English-speaking friends who live there tell me their European colleagues say I am the friendliest American they’ve ever met. Yet, we’d never spoken a word between us!

A self-fulfilling prophesy

An added benefit to the Hello Old Friend technique is it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. When you act as though you like someone, you start to really like them. An Adelphi University study called, appropriately, ‘Believing Another Likes or Dislikes You: Behaviours Making the Beliefs Come True’ proved it.¹⁰ Researchers told volunteers to treat unsuspecting subjects as though they liked them. When surveyed later, the results showed the volunteers wound up genuinely liking the subjects. The unsuspecting subjects were also surveyed. These respondents expressed much higher respect and affection for the volunteers who pretended they liked them. What it boils down to is: Love begets love, like begets like, respect begets respect. Use the Hello Old Friend technique and you will soon have many new ‘old friends’ who wind up genuinely liking you.

You now have all the basics to come across to everyone you meet as a Somebody, a friendly Somebody. But your job isn’t over yet. In addition to being liked, you want to appear credible, intelligent, and sure of yourself. Each of the next three techniques accomplishes one of those goals.

How to come across as 100 per cent credible

I have a friend, a highly respected headhunter named Helen. Helen makes terrific hires for her clients. I once asked her the secret of her success. She said, ‘Probably because I can almost always tell when an applicant is lying.’

‘How can you tell?’

She said, ‘Well, just last week, I was interviewing a young woman for a position as marketing director for a small firm. Throughout the interview, the applicant had been sitting with her left leg crossed over her right. Her hands were comfortably resting in her lap and she was looking directly at me.

‘I asked her salary. Without swerving her eyes from mine, she told me. I asked if she enjoyed her work. Still looking directly at me, she said, “yes.” Then I asked her why she left her previous job.’

Helen said, ‘At that point, her eyes fleetingly darted away before regaining eye contact with me. Then, while answering my question, she shifted in her seat and crossed her right leg over her left. At one point, she put her hands up to her mouth.’

Helen said, ‘That’s all I needed. With her words she was telling me she felt her “growth opportunities were limited at her previous firm.” But her body told me she was not being entirely forthright.’

Helen went on to explain the young woman’s fidgeting alone wouldn’t prove she was lying. Nevertheless, it was enough, she said, that she wanted to pursue the subject further.

Helen continued, ‘So I tested it. I changed the subject and went back to more neutral territory. I asked her about her goals for the future. Again, the girl stopped fidgeting. She folded her hands in her lap as she told me how she’d always wanted to work in a small company in order to have hands-on experience with more than one project.

‘Then I repeated my earlier question. I asked again if it was only the lack of growth opportunity that made her leave her previous position. Sure enough, once again, the woman shifted in her seat and momentarily broke eye contact. As she continued talking about her last job, she started rubbing her forearm.’

Helen continued to probe until she finally uncovered the truth. The applicant had been fired due to a nasty disagreement with the marketing director she worked for.

Human resources professionals who interview applicants and police officers who interrogate suspected criminals are trained to detect lies. They know specifically what signals to look for. The rest of us, although not knowledgeable about specific clues to deceit, have a sixth sense when someone is not telling us the truth.

Just recently a colleague of mine was considering hiring an in-house booking agent. After interviewing one fellow she said to me, ‘I don’t know. I don’t really think he has the success he claims.’

‘You think he’s lying to you?’ I asked.

‘Absolutely. And the funny thing is I can’t tell why. He looked right at me. He answered all my questions directly. There was just something that didn’t seem right.’

Employers often feel this way. They have a gut feeling about someone but they can’t put their finger on it. Because of that, many large companies turn to the polygraph. The polygraph, or lie detector, is a mechanical apparatus designed to detect if someone is lying. Banks, chemists, and grocery stores rely heavily on it for pre-employment screening. The FBI, Justice Department, and most police departments have used the polygraph on suspects. And the interesting part is the polygraph is not a lie detector at all! All the machine can do is detect fluctuations in our autonomic nervous system – changes in breathing patterns, sweating, flushing, heart rate, blood pressure, and other signs of emotional arousal.

So is it accurate? Well, yes, often it is. Why? Because when the average person tells a lie, he or she is emotionally aroused and bodily changes do take place. When that happens, they fidget. Experienced or trained liars, however, can fool the polygraph.

Beware the appearance of lying, even when you’re telling the truth

Problems arise for us when we are not lying, but are feeling emotional or intimidated by the person we are talking with. A young man telling an attractive woman about his business success might shift his weight. A woman talking about her company’s track record to an important client could rub her neck.

More problems arise out of the atmosphere. A businessman who doesn’t feel nervous at all could loosen his collar because the room is hot. A politician giving a speech outdoors could blink excessively because the air is dusty. Even though erroneous, these fidgety movements give their listeners the sense something just isn’t right or a gut feeling they’re lying.

Professional communicators are alert to this hazard. They consciously squelch any signs anyone could mistake for shiftiness. They fix a constant gaze on their listener. They never put their hands on their faces. They don’t massage their arm when it tingles, or rub their nose when it itches. They don’t loosen their collar when it’s hot or blink because it’s sandy. They don’t wipe away tiny perspiration beads in public or shield their eyes from the sun. They suffer because they know fidgeting undermines credibility. Consider the infamous September 25, 1960, televised US presidential debate between Richard Milhous Nixon and John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Political pundits speculate Nixon’s lack of make-up, his fidgeting and mopping his brow on camera lost him the election.

Technique 7:

Limit the fidget

Whenever your conversation really counts, let your nose itch, your ear tingle, or your foot prickle. Do not fidget, twitch, wiggle, squirm, or scratch. And above all, keep your paws away from your face. Hand motions near your face and all fidgeting can give your listener the gut feeling you’re fibbing.

If you want to come across as an entirely credible Somebody, try to squelch all extraneous movement when your communication counts. I call the technique Limit the Fidget.

Now let’s tackle intelligence. ‘What?’ you ask. ‘Can people come across as more intelligent than they really are?’ Well, did you ever hear of Hans, the counting horse? Hans was considered the most intelligent horse in history, and he used the technique I’m about to suggest.

How to make them say ‘you’ve got horse sense’

A horse, a very clever horse named Hans, inspires this next technique. Hans was owned by Herr von Osten, a Berliner, who had trained Hans to do simple arithmetic by tapping his right front hoof. So prodigious was Hans’s ability that the horse’s fame quickly spread throughout Europe in the early 1900s. He became known as Clever Hans, the counting horse.

Herr von Osten taught Hans to do more than just add. Soon the horse could subtract and divide. In time, Clever Hans even mastered the multiplication tables. The horse became quite a phenomenon. Without his owner uttering a single word, Hans could count out the size of his audience, tap the number wearing glasses, or respond to any counting question they asked him.

Finally, Hans achieved the ultimate ability that separates man from animal – language. Hans ‘learned’ the alphabet. By tapping out hoof beats for each letter, he answered any question about anything humans had read in a newspaper or heard on the radio. He could even answer common questions about history, geography, and human biology.

Hans made headlines and was the main topic of discussion at dinner parties throughout Europe. The ‘human horse’ quickly attracted the attention of scientists, psychology professors, veterinarians, even cavalry officers. Naturally they were sceptical, so they established an official commission to decide whether the horse was a case of clever trickery or equine genius. Whatever their suspicions, it was obvious to all, Hans was a very smart horse. Compared to other horses, Hans was a Somebody.

Cut to today. Why is it when you talk with certain individuals you just know they are smarter than other people – that they are a Somebody? Often they’re not discussing highfalutin’ subjects or using long words. Nevertheless, everybody knows. People say, ‘She’s smart as a whip,’ ‘He doesn’t miss a trick,’ ‘She picks up on everything,’ ‘He’s got the right stuff,’ ‘She’s got horse sense.’ Which brings us back to Hans.

The day of the big test arrived. Everyone was convinced it must be a trick orchestrated by Herr von Osten, Hans’s owner. There was standing room only in the auditorium filled with scientists, reporters, clairvoyants, psychics and horse lovers who eagerly awaited the answer. The canny commission members were confident this was the day they would expose Hans as chicanery because they, too, had a trick up their sleeves. They were going to bar von Osten from the hall and put his horse to the test all alone.

When the crowd was assembled, they told von Osten he must leave the auditorium. The surprised owner departed, and Hans was stranded in an auditorium with a suspicious and anxious audience.

The confident commission leader asked Hans the first mathematical question. He tapped out the right answer! A second. He got it right! Then a third. Then the language questions followed. He got them all right!

The commission was befuddled. The critics were silenced.

However, the public wasn’t. With a great outcry, they insisted on a new commission. The world waited while, once again, the authorities gathered scientists, professors, veterinarians, cavalry officers, and reporters from around the world.

Only after this second commission put Hans to the test did the truth about the clever horse come out. Commission number two started the enquiry perfunctorily with a simple addition problem. This time, however, instead of asking the question out loud for all to hear, one researcher whispered a number in Hans’s ear, and a second researcher whispered another. Everyone expected Hans to quickly tap out the sum. But Hans remained dumb! Aha! The researchers revealed the truth to the waiting world. Can you guess what that was?

Here’s a hint: when the audience or researcher knew the answer, Hans did, too. Now can you guess?

People gave off very subtle body-language signals the moment Hans’s hoof gave the right number of taps. When Hans started tapping the answer to a question, the audience would show subtle signs of tension. Then, when Hans reached the right number, they responded by an expulsion of breath or slight relaxation of muscles. Von Osten had trained Hans to stop tapping at that point, and therefore appear to give the right answer.

Hans was using the technique I call Hans’s Horse Sense. He watched his audiences’ reactions very carefully and planned his responses accordingly.

If a horse can do it, so can you

Have you ever been watching TV when the phone rings? Someone asks you to hit the mute button on the television so they can talk. Because there’s no sound now, you watch the TV action more carefully. You see performers smiling, scowling, smirking, squinting, and scores of other expressions. You don’t miss a bit of the story because, just from their expressions, you can tell what they’re thinking. Hans’s Horse Sense is just that – watching people, seeing how they’re reacting, and then making your moves accordingly. Even while you’re talking, keep your eyes on your listeners and watch how they’re responding to what you’re saying. Don’t miss a trick.

Are they smiling? Are they nodding? Are their palms up? They like what they’re hearing.

Are they frowning? Are they looking away? Are their knuckles clenched? Maybe they don’t.

Are they rubbing their necks? Are they stepping back? Are their feet pointing toward the door? Maybe they want to get away.

You don’t need a complete course in body language here. Already your life’s experience has given you a good grounding in that. Most people know if their Conversation Partners step back or look away, they’re not interested in what you’re saying. When they think you’re a pain in the neck they rub theirs. When they feel superior to you, they steeple their hands.

We’ll explore more body-language specifics in Technique # 77: Eyeball Selling. For the moment, all you need to do is tune to the silent channel being broadcast by the speaker.

Technique 8:

Hans’s horse sense

Make it a habit to get on a dual track while talking. Express yourself, but keep a keen eye on how your listener is reacting to what you’re saying. Then plan your moves accordingly.

If a horse can do it, so can a human. People will say you pick up on everything. You never miss a trick. You’ve got horse sense.

You now have eight techniques to help you come across as a confident, credible, and charismatic person who makes everyone he or she comes in contact with feel like a million. Let’s explore one last technique in this section to put it all together and make sure you don’t miss a beat.

How to make sure you don’t miss a beat

You’ve seen professional skiing on television? The athlete at the top of the piste, every muscle primed and poised, waiting for the gun to propel him to ultimate victory. Look deeply into his eyes and you’ll see he is having an out-of-body experience. In his mind’s eye, the skier is swooshing down the slope, zapping back and forth between the poles, and sliding across the finish line in faster time than the world thought possible. The athlete is visualizing.

All athletes do it: divers, runners, jumpers, javelin throwers, lugers, swimmers, skaters, acrobats. They visualize their magic before performing it. They see their own bodies bending, twisting, flipping, flying through the air. They hear the sound of the wind, the splash in the water, the whirr of the javelin, the thud of its landing. They smell the grass, the cement, the pool, the dust. Before they move a muscle, professional athletes watch the whole movie, which, of course, ends in their own victory.

Sports psychologists tell us visualization is not just for top-level competitive athletes. Studies show mental rehearsal helps weekend athletes sharpen their golf, their tennis, their running, whatever their favourite activity. Experts agree if you see the pictures, hear the sounds, and feel the movements of your body in your mind before you do the activity, the effect is powerful.

‘Twenty-six miles on my mattress’

Psychological mumbo jumbo? Absolutely not! I have a friend, Richard, who runs marathons. Once, several years ago, a scant three weeks before the big New York marathon, an out-of-control car crashed into Richard’s and he was taken to the hospital. He was not badly injured. Nevertheless, his friends were sorry for him because being laid up two weeks in bed would, naturally, knock him out of the big event.

What a surprise when, on that crisp November marathon morning in Central Park, Richard showed up in his little shorts and big running shoes.

‘Richard, are you crazy? You’re in no shape to run. You’ve been in bed these past few weeks!’ we all cried out.

‘My body may have been in bed,’ he replied, ‘but I’ve been running.’

‘What?’ we asked in unison.

‘Yep. Every day. Twenty-six miles, 385 yards, right there on my mattress.’ Richard explained that in his imagination he saw himself traversing every step of the course. He saw the sights, heard the sounds, and felt the twitching movements in his muscles. He visualized himself racing in the marathon.

Richard didn’t do as well as he had the year before, but the miracle is he finished the marathon, without injury, without excessive fatigue. It was all due to visualization. Visualization works in just about any endeavour you apply it to – including being a terrific communicator.

Visualization works best when you feel totally relaxed. Only when you have a calm state of mind can you get clear, vivid images. Do your visualization in the quiet of your home or car before leaving for the party, the convention, or the big-deal meeting. See it all in your mind’s eye ahead of time.

Technique 9:

Watch the scene before you make the scene

Rehearse being the Super Somebody you want to be ahead of time. See yourself walking around with Hang by Your Teeth posture, shaking hands, smiling the Flooding Smile, and making Sticky Eyes. Hear yourself chatting comfortably with everyone. Feel the pleasure of knowing you are in peak form and everyone is gravitating toward you. Visualize yourself a Super Somebody. Then it all happens automatically.

You now have the skills necessary to get you started on the right foot with any new person in your life. Think of yourself in these first moments like a rocket taking off. When the folks at Cape Kennedy aim a spacecraft for the moon, a mistake in the millionth of a degree at the beginning, when the craft is still on the ground, means missing the moon by thousands of miles. Likewise, a tiny body-language blooper at the outset of a relationship may mean you will never make a hit with that person. But with Flooding Smile, Sticky Eyes, Epoxy Eyes, Hang by Your Teeth, Big-Baby Pivot, Hello Old Friend, Limit the Fidget, Hans’s Horse Sense and Watch the Scene Before You Make the Scene, you’ll be right on course to get whatever you eventually want from anybody – be it business, friendship, or love.

We now move from the silent world to the spoken word.

Just as the first glimpse should please their eyes, your first words should delight their ears. Your tongue is a welcome mat embossed with either ‘Welcome’ or ‘Go Away!’ To make your Conversation Partner feel welcome, you must master small talk.

Small talk! Can you hear the shudder? Those two little words drive a stake into the hearts of some otherwise fearless and undaunted souls. Invite them to a party where they don’t know anyone, and it mainlines queasiness into their veins.

If this sounds familiar, take consolation from the fact that the brighter the individual, the more he or she detests small talk. When consulting for Fortune 500 companies, I was astounded. Top executives, completely comfortable making big talk with their boards of directors or addressing their stockholders, confessed they felt like little lost children at parties where the pratter was less than prodigious.

Small-talk haters, take further consolation from the fact that you are in star-studded company. Fear of small talk and stage fright are the same thing. The butterflies you feel in your stomach when you’re in a roomful of strangers flutter around the tummies of top performers. Pablo Casals complained of lifelong stage fright. Carly Simon curtailed live performances because of it. A friend of mine who worked with Neil Diamond said he insisted the words to ‘Song Sung Blue,’ a tune he’d been crooning for forty years, be displayed on his teleprompter, lest fear freeze him into forgetfulness.

Is small-talk-o-phobia curable?

Someday, scientists say, communications fears may be treatable with drugs. They’re already experimenting with Prozac to change people’s personalities. But some fear disastrous side effects. The good news is that when human beings think, and genuinely feel, certain emotions – like confidence they have specific techniques to fall back on – the brain manufactures its own antidotes. If fear and distaste of small talk is the disease, knowing solid techniques like the ones we explore in this section is the cure.

Incidentally, science is beginning to recognize it’s not chance or even upbringing that one person has a belly of butterflies and another doesn’t. In our brains, neurons communicate through chemicals called neurotransmitters. Some people have excessive levels of a neurotransmitter called norepinephrine, a chemical cousin of adrenaline. For some children, just walking into a kindergarten room makes them want to run and hide under a table.

As a tot, I spent a lot of time under the table. As a pre-teen in an all-girls boarding school, my legs turned to spaghetti every time I had to converse with a male. In high school, I once had to invite a boy to our school prom. The entire selection of dancing males lived in the dormitory of our brother school. And I only knew one resident, Eugene. I had met Eugene at summer camp the year before. Mustering all my courage, I decided to call him.

Two weeks before the dance, I felt the onset of sweaty palms. I put the call off. One week before, rapid heartbeat set in. I put the call off. Finally, three days before the big bash, breathing became difficult. Time was running out.

The critical moment, I rationalized, would be easier if I read from a script. I wrote out the following: ‘Hi, this is Leil. We met at camp last summer. Remember?’ (I programmed in a pause where I hoped he would say yes.) ‘Well, National Cathedral School’s prom is this Saturday night and I’d like you to be my date.’ (I programmed in another pause where I prayed he’d say yes.)

On Thursday before the dance, I could no longer delay the inevitable. I picked up the receiver and dialled. Clutching the phone waiting for Eugene to answer, my eyes followed perspiration droplets rolling down my arm and dripping off my elbow. A small salty puddle was forming around my feet. ‘Hello?’ a sexy, deep male voice answered the dorm phone.

In faster-than-a-speeding-bullet voice, like a nervous novice telemarketer, I shot out, ‘Hi, this is Leil. We-met-at-camp – last-summer-remember?’ Forgetting to pause for his assent, I raced on, ‘Well-National-Cathedral-School’s-prom-is-this-Saturday-night-and-I’d-like-you-to-be-my-date.’

To my relief and delight, I heard a big, cheerful ‘Oh that’s great, I’d love to!’ I exhaled my first normal breath all day. He continued, ‘I’ll pick you up at the girl’s dorm at seven thirty. I’ll have a pink carnation for you. Will that go with your dress? And my name is Donnie.’

Donnie? Donnie! Who said anything about Donnie?

Well, Donnie turned out to be the best date I had that decade. Donnie had buckteeth, a head full of tousled red hair, and communications skills that immediately put me at ease.

On Saturday night, Donnie greeted me at the door, carnation in hand and grin on face. He joked self-deprecatingly about how he was dying to go to the prom so, knowing it was a case of mistaken identity, he accepted anyway. He told me he was thrilled when ‘the girl with the lovely voice’ called, and he took full responsibility for ‘tricking’ me into an invitation. Donnie made me comfortable and confident as we chatted. First we made small talk and then he gradually led me into subjects I was interested in. I flipped over Donnie, and he became my very first boyfriend.

Donnie instinctively had the small-talk skills that we are now going to fashion into techniques to help you glide through small talk like a hot knife through butter. When you master them, you will be able, like Donnie, to melt the heart of everyone you touch.

The goal of How to Talk to Anyone is not, of course, to make you a small-talk whiz and stop there. The aim is to make you a dynamic conversationalist and forceful communicator. However, small talk is the first crucial step toward that goal.

How to start a conversation without strangling it

You’ve been there. You’re introduced to someone at a party or business meeting. You shake hands, your eyes meet … and suddenly your entire body of knowledge dries up and thought processes come to a screeching halt. You fish for a topic to fill the awkward silence. Failing, your new contact slips away in the direction of the cheese tray.

We want the first words falling from our lips to be sparkling, witty, insightful. We want our listeners to immediately recognize how riveting we are. I was once at a gathering where everybody was sparkling, witty, insightful, and riveting. It drove me berserk because most of these same everybodies felt they had to prove it in their first ten words or less!

Several years ago, the Mensa organization, a social group of extremely bright individuals who score in the country’s top 2 per cent in intelligence, invited me to be a keynote speaker at their annual convention. Their cocktail party was in full swing in the lobby of the hotel as I arrived. After checking in, I hauled my bags through the hoard of happy-hour Mensans to the lift. The doors separated and I stepped into a lift packed with party goers. As we began the journey up to our respective floors, the lift gave several sleepy jerks.

‘Hmm,’ I remarked, in response to the lift’s sluggishness, ‘the lift seems a little flaky.’ Suddenly, each elevator occupant, feeling compelled to exhibit his or her 132-plus IQ, pounced forth with a thunderous explanation. ‘It’s obviously got poor rail-guide alignment,’ announced one. ‘The relay contact is not made up,’ declared another. Suddenly I felt like a grasshopper trapped in a stereo speaker. I couldn’t wait to escape the attack of the mental giants.

Afterward, in the solitude of my room, I thought back and reflected that the Mensan’s answers were, indeed, interesting. Why then did I have an adverse reaction?

I realized it was too much, too soon. I was tired. Their high energy and intensity jarred my sluggish state.

You see, small talk is not about facts or words. It’s about music, about melody. Small talk is about putting people at ease. It’s about making comforting noises together like cats purring, children humming, or groups chanting. You must first match your listener’s mood.

Like repeating the note on the music teacher’s harmonica, Top Communicators pick up on their listener’s tone of voice and duplicate it. Instead of jumping in with such intensity, the Mensans could have momentarily matched my lethargic mood by saying, ‘Yes, it is slow, isn’t it?’ Had they then prefaced their information with, ‘Have you ever been curious why an elevator is slow?’ I would have responded with a sincere ‘Yes, I have.’ After a moment of equalized energy levels, I would have welcomed their explanations about the rail-guard alignment or whatever the heck it was. And friendships might have started.

I’m sure you’ve suffered the aggression of a mood mismatch. Have you ever been relaxing when some overexcited hot-breathed colleague starts pounding you with questions? Or the reverse: you’re late, rushing to a meeting, when an associate stops you and starts lazily narrating a long, languorous story. No matter how interesting the tale, you don’t want to hear it now.

The first step in starting a conversation without strangling it is to match your listener’s mood, if only for a sentence or two. When it comes to small talk, think music, not words. Is your listener adagio or allegro? Match that pace. I call it making a Mood Match.

Matching the mood can make or break the sale

Matching customers’ moods is crucial for salespeople. Some years ago, I decided to throw a surprise party for my best friend Stella. It was going to be a triple-whammy party because she was celebrating three events. One, it was Stella’s birthday. Two, she was newly engaged. And three, Stella had just landed her dream job. She had been my buddy since our school days and I was floating on air over her birthday-engagement-congratulations bash.

I had heard one of the best French restaurants in town had an attractive back room for parties. About 5 P.M. one afternoon, I wafted happily into the restaurant and found the seated maitre d’ languidly looking over his reservation book. I began excitedly babbling about Stella’s triple-whammy celebration and asked to see that fabulous back room I’d heard so much about. Without a smile or moving a muscle, he said, ‘Zee room ees een zee back. You can go zee eet eef you like.’

CRASH. What a party pooper! His morose mood kicked all the party spirit out of me, and I no longer wanted to rent his stupid space. Before I even looked at the room, he lost the rental. I left his restaurant vowing to find a place where the management would at least appear to share the joy of the happy occasion.

Every mother knows this instinctively. To quiet a whimpering infant, mama doesn’t just shake her finger and shout, ‘Quiet down.’ No, mama picks baby up. Mama cries, ‘Ooh, ooh, oh,’ sympathetically matching baby’s misery for a few moments. Mama then gradually transitions the two of them into hush-hush happy sounds. Your listeners are all big babies! Match their mood if you want them to stop crying, start buying, or come around to your way of thinking.

Technique 10:

Make a mood match

Before opening your mouth, take a ‘voice sample’ of your listener to detect his or her state of mind. Take a ‘psychic photograph’ of the expression to see if your listener looks buoyant, bored, or blitzed. If you ever want to bring people around to your thoughts, you must match their mood and voice tone, if only for a moment.

‘What’s a good opening line when I meet people?’

I was once at a party where I spotted a fellow surrounded by a fan club of avid listeners. The chap was smiling, gesticulating, obviously enthralling his audience. I went over to hearken to this fascinating speaker. I joined his throng of admirers and eavesdropped for a minute or two. Suddenly, it dawned on me: the fellow was saying the most banal things! His script was dull, dull, dull. Ah, but he was delivering his prosaic observations with such passion. Therefore, he held the group spellbound. It convinced me that it’s not all what you say, it’s how you say it.

Often people ask me, ‘What’s a good opening line when I meet people?’ I give them the same answer a woman who once worked in my office always gave me. Dottie often stayed at her desk to work through lunch. Sometimes, as I was leaving for the sandwich shop, I’d ask her, ‘Hey Dottie, what can I bring you back for lunch?’

Dottie, trying to be obliging, would say, ‘Oh anything is fine with me.’

‘No, Dottie!’ I wanted to scream. ‘Tell me what you want. Ham and cheese? Chicken Salad with mayonnaise? Peanut butter with sliced bananas? Be specific. Anything is a hassle.’

Frustrating though it may be, my answer to the opening-line question is ‘Anything!’ because almost anything you say really is OK – as long as it puts people at ease and sounds passionate.

How do you put people at ease? By convincing them they are OK and that the two of you are similar. When you do that, you break down walls of fear, suspicion, and mistrust.

Why banal makes a bond

Samuel I. Hayakawa was a college president, U.S. senator, and brilliant linguistic analyst of Japanese origin. He tells us this story that shows the value of, as he says, ‘unoriginal remarks.’¹¹

In early 1942, a few weeks after the beginning of World War II – at a time when there were rumours of Japanese spies – Hayakawa had to wait several hours in a railroad station in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. He noticed others waiting in the station were staring at him suspiciously. Because of the war, they were apprehensive about his presence. He later wrote, ‘One couple with a small child was staring with special uneasiness and whispering to each other.’

So what did Hayakawa do? He made unoriginal remarks to set them at ease. He said to the husband that it was too bad the train should be late on so cold a night.

The man agreed.

‘I went on,’ Hayakawa wrote, ‘to remark that it must be especially difficult to travel with a small child in winter when train schedules were so uncertain. Again the husband agreed. I then asked the child’s age and remarked that their child looked very big and strong for his age. Again agreement, this time with a slight smile. The tension was relaxing.

After two or three more exchanges, the man asked Hayakawa, ‘I hope you don’t mind my bringing it up, but you’re Japanese, aren’t you? Do you think the Japs have any chance of winning this war?’

‘Well,’ Hayakawa replied, ‘your guess is as good as mine. I don’t know any more than I read in the papers. But the way I figure it, I don’t see how the Japanese, with their lack of coal and steel and oil … can ever beat a powerfully industrialized nation like the United States.’

Hayakawa went on, ‘My remark was admittedly neither original nor well informed. Hundreds of radio commentators … were saying much the same thing during those weeks. But just because they were, the remark sounded familiar and was on the right side so that it was easy to agree with.’

The Wisconsin man agreed at once with what seemed like genuine relief. His next remark was, ‘Say, I hope your folks aren’t over there while the war is going on.’

‘Yes, they are,’ Hayakawa replied. ‘My father and mother and two young sisters are over there.’

‘Do you ever hear from them?’ the man asked.

‘How can I?’ Hayakawa answered.

Both the man and his wife looked troubled and sympathetic. ‘Do you mean you won’t be able to see them or hear from them until after the war is over?’

There was more to the conversation but the result was, within ten minutes they had invited Hayakawa – whom they initially may have suspected was a Japanese spy – to visit them sometime in their city and have dinner in their home. And all because of this brilliant scholar’s admittedly common and unoriginal small talk. Top Communicators know the most soothing and appropriate first words should be, like Senator Hayakawa’s, unoriginal, even banal. But not indifferent. Hayakawa delivered his sentiments with sincerity and passion.

Ascent from banality

There is no need, of course, to stay with mundane remarks. If you find your company displays cleverness or wit, you match that. The conversation then escalates naturally, compatibly. Don’t rush it or, like the Mensans, you seem like you’re showing off. The bottom line on your first words is to have the courage of your own triteness. Because, remember, people tune in to your tone more than your text.

Technique 11:

Prosaic with passion

Worried about your first words? Fear not, since 80 percent of your listener’s impression has nothing to do with your words anyway. Almost anything you say at first is fine. No matter how prosaic the text, an empathetic mood, a positive demeanour, and passionate delivery make you sound exciting.

‘Anything, except liverwurst!’

Back to Dottie waiting for her sandwich at her desk. Sometimes as I walked out the door scratching my head wondering what to bring her, she’d call after me, ‘Anything, except liverwurst, that is.’ Thanks, Dottie, that’s a little bit of help.

Here’s my ‘anything, except liverwurst’ on small talk. Anything you say is fine as long as it is not complaining, rude, or unpleasant. If the first words out of your mouth are a complaint, BLAM, people label you a complainer. Why? Because that complaint is your new acquaintance’s 100 per cent sampling of you so far. You could be the happiest Pollyanna ever, but how will they know? If your first comment is a complaint, you’re a griper. If your first words are rude, you’re a creep. If your first words are unpleasant, you’re a stinker. Open and shut.

Other than these downers, anything goes. Ask them where they’re from, how they know the host of the party, where they bought the lovely suit they’re wearing – or hundreds of etceteras. The trick is to ask your prosaic question with passion to get the other person talking.

Still feel a bit shaky on making the approach to strangers? Let’s take a quick detour on our road to meaningful communicating. I’ll give you three quickie techniques to meet people at parties – then nine more to make small talk not so small.

What’s a Whatzit?

Singles proficient at meeting potential sweethearts without the benefit of introduction (in the vernacular, making a ‘pickup’), have developed a deliciously devious technique that works equally well for social or corporate networking purposes. The technique requires no exceptional skill on your part, only the courage to sport a simple visual prop called a Whatzit.

What’s a Whatzit? A Whatzit is anything you wear or carry that is unusual – a unique pin, an interesting purse, a strange tie, an amusing hat. A Whatzit is any object that draws people’s attention and inspires them to approach you and ask, ‘Uh, what’s that?’ Your Whatzit can be as subtle or overt as your personality and the occasion permit.

I wear around my neck an outmoded pair of glasses that resembles a double monocle. Often the curious have approached me at a gathering and asked, ‘Whatzit?’ I explain it’s a lorgnette left to me by my grandmother, which, of course, paves the way to discuss hatred of glasses, ageing eyes, love or loss of grandmothers, adoration of antique jewellery – any way the inquisitor wants to take it.

Perhaps, unknowingly, you have fallen prey to this soon-to-be-legendary technique. At a gathering, have you ever noticed someone you would like to talk to? Then you’ve racked your brain to conjure an excuse to make the approach. What a bounty it was to discover that he or she was wearing some weird, wild, or wonderful something you could comment on.

The Whatzit way to love

Your Whatzit is a social aid whether you seek business rewards or new romance. I have a friend, Alexander, who carries Greek worry beads with him wherever he goes. He’s not worried. He knows any woman who wants to talk to him will come up and say, ‘What’s that?’

Think about it, gentlemen. Suppose you’re at a party. An attractive woman spots you across the room. She wants to talk to you but she’s thinking, ‘Well, Mister, you’re attractive. But, golly, what can I say to you? You just ain’t got no Whatzit.’

Be a Whatzit seeker, too

Likewise, become proficient in scrutinizing the apparel of those you wish to approach. Why not express interest in the handkerchief in the tycoon’s vest pocket, the brooch on the bosom of the rich divorcée, or the school ring on the finger of the Director whose company you want to work for?

The big spender who, you suspect, might buy a hundred of your widgets has a tiny golf-club lapel pin? Say, ‘Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your attractive lapel pin. Are you a golfer? Me, too. What courses have you played?’

Your business cards and your Whatzit are crucial socializing artifacts. Whether you are riding in the elevator, climbing the doorstep, or traversing the path to the party, make sure your Whatzit is hanging out for all to see.

Technique 12:

Always wear a Whatzit

Whenever you go to a gathering, wear or carry something unusual to give people who find you the delightful stranger across the crowded room an excuse to approach. ‘Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your … what IS that?’

The next quickie technique was originated by doggedly determined politicians who don’t let one partygoer escape if they think he or she could be helpful to their campaigns. I call it the Whoozat technique.