The Comic English Grammar: A New And Facetious Introduction To The English Tongue
TextCHAPTER V. OF PRONOUNS
Pronouns or proxy-nouns are of three kinds; namely, the Personal, the Relative, and the Adjective Pronouns.
Note. – That when we said, some few pages back, that a pronoun was a word used instead of a noun, we did not mean to call such words as thingumibob, what-siname, what-d'ye-call-it, and the like, pronouns.
And that, although we shall proceed to treat of the pronouns in the English language, we shall have nothing to do, at present, with what some people please to call pronoun-ciation.
SECTION I. OF THE PERSONAL PRONOUNS
|Mr. Addams, don't be personal, Sir!"
"I'm not, Sir."
"You am, Sir!"
"What did I say, Sir? – tell me that."
"You reflected on my perfession, Sir; you said, as there was some people as always stuck up for the cloth; and you insinnivated that certain parties dined off goose by means of cabbaging fiom their customers. I ask any gentleman in the room, if that an't personal.
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"Veil, Sir, vot I says I'll stick to."
"Yes, Sir, like vax, as the saying is."
"Wot d'ye mean by that, Sir?"
"Wot I say, Sir!"
"You 're a individual, Sir!"
"You 're another, Sir!"
"You 're no gentleman, Sir!"
"You 're a humbug, Sir!"
"You 're a knave, Sir!"
"You 're a rogue, Sir!"
"You 're a wagabond, Sir!"
"You 're a willain, Sir!"
"You 're a tailor, Sir!"
"You 're a cobler, Sir!" (Order! order! chair! chair! &c.
The above is what is called personal language. How many different things one word serves to express in English! A pronoun may be as personal as possible, and yet nobody will take offence at it.
There are five Personal Pronouns; namely, I, thou, he, she, it; with their plurals, we, ye or you, they.
Personal Pronouns admit of person, number, gender, and case.
Pronouns have three persons in each number.
In the Singular;
I, is the first person.
Thou, is the second person.
He, she, or it, is the third person.
In the plural;
We, is the first person.
Ye or you, is the second person.
They, is the third person.
This account of persons will be very intelligible when the following Pastoral Fragment is reflected on:
HE
I love thee, Susan, on my life:
Thou art the maiden for a wife.
He who lives single is an ass;
She who ne'èr weds a luckless lass.
It's tiresome work to live alone;
So come with me, and be my own.
SHE
We maids are oft by men deceived;
Ye don't deserve to be believed;
You don't – but there's my hand – heigho!
They tell us, women can't say no!
The speaker or speakers are of the first person; those spoken to, of the second; and those spoken of, of the third.
Of the three persons, the first is the most universally admired.
The second is the object of much adulation and flattery, and now and then of a little abuse.
The third person is generally made small account of; and, amongst other grievances, suffers a great deal from being frequently bitten about the back.
The Numbers of pronouns, like those of substantives, are, as we have already seen, two; the singular and the plural.
In addressing yourself to anybody, it is customary to use the second person plural instead of the singular. This practice most probably arose from a notion, that to be thought twice the man that the speaker was, gratified the vanity of the person addressed. Thus, the French put a double Monsieur on the backs of their letters.
Editors say "We," instead of "I," out of modesty.
The Quakers continue to say "thee" and "thou," in the use of which pronouns, as well as in the wearing of broad-brimmed hats and of stand-up collars, they perceive a peculiar sanctity.
Gender has to do only with the third person singular of the pronouns, he, she, it. He is masculine; she is feminine; it is neuter.
Pronouns have the like cases with substantives; the nominative, the possessive, and the objective.
Would that they were the hardest cases to be met with in this country!
The personal pronouns are thus declined: —
CASE. FIRST PERSON SINGULAR. FIRST PERSON PLURAL.
Nom. I We.
Poss. Mine Ours.
Obj. Me Us.
CASE. SECOND PERSON. SECOND PERSON.
Nom. Thou Ye or you.
Poss. Thine Yours.
Obj. Thee You.
Now the third person singular, as we before observed, has genders; and we shall therefore decline it in a different way. Variety is charming.
THIRD PERSON SINGULAR
CASE. MASC. FEM. NEUT.
Nom. He She It.
Poss. His Hers Its.
Obj. Him Her It.
CASE. PLURAL.
Nom. They.
Poss. Theirs.
Obj. Them.
We beg to inform thee, that the third person plural has no distinction of gender.
SECTION II. OF THE RELATIVE PRONOUNS
The Pronouns called Relative are such as relate, for the most part, to some word or phrase, called the antecedent, on account of its going before: they are, who, which, and that: as, "The man who does not drink enough when he can get it, is a fool: but he that drinks too much is a beast."
What is usually equivalent to that which, and is, therefore, a kind of compound relative, containing both the antecedent and the relative; as, "You want what you'll very soon have!" that is to say, the thing which you will very soon have.
Who is applied to persons, which to animals and things without life; as, "He is a gentleman who keeps a horse and lives respectably." To the dog which pinned the old woman, they cried, 'Cosar!'"
That, as a relative, is used to prevent the too frequent repetition of who and which, and is applied both to persons and things; as, He that stops the bottle is a Cork man."
"This is the house that Jack built."
Who is of both numbers; and so is an Editor; for, according to what we observed just now, he is both singular and plural. Who, we repeat, is of both numbers, and is thus declined: —
SINGULAR AND PLURAL
To despair shall I doom? Which, that and what are indeclinable; except that whose is sometimes used as the possessive case of which;
"The roe, poor dear, laments amain,
Whose sweet hart was by hunter slain."
Who, which, and what, when they are used in asking questions, are called Interrogatives; as, "Who is Mr. Walker?". "Which is the left side of a round plum-pudding?"
"What is the damage?"
Those who, have made popular phraseology their study, will have found that which is sometimes used for whereas, and words of like signification; as in Dean Swift's "Mary the Cookmaid's Letter to Dr. Sheridan:"
"And now I know whereby you would fain make an excuse,
Because my master one day in anger call'd you a goose;
Which, and I am sure I have been his servant since October,
And he never called me worse than sweetheart, drunk or sober."
What, or, to speak more improperly, wot, is generally substituted by cabmen and hack-drivers for who; as, "The donkey wot wouldn't go."
"The girl wot sweeps the crossing."
That, likewise, is very frequently rejected by the vulgar, who use as in its place; as, "Them as asks shan't have any; and them as don't ask don't want any."
SECTION III. OF THE ADJECTIVE PRONOUNS
Adjective pronouns partake of the nature of both pronouns and adjectives. They may be subdivided into four sorts: the possessive, the distributive, the demonstrative, and the indefinite.
The possessive pronouns are those which imply possession or property. Of these there are seven; namely, my, thy, his, her, our, your, their.
The word self is added to possessives; as, myself, yourself, "Says I to myself, says I." Self is also sometimes used with personal pronouns; as, himself, itself, themselves. His self is a common, but not a proper expression.
The distributive are three; each, every, either; they denote the individual persons or things' separately, which, when taken together, make up a number. Each is used when two or more persons or things are mentioned singly; as, "each of the Catos;" "each or the Browns."
Every relates to one out of several; as,
"Every mare is a horse, but every horse is not a mare."
Either refers to one out of two; as,
"When I between two jockeys ride,
I have a knave on either side."
Neither signifies "not either;" as, "Neither of the Bacons was related to Hogg."
The demonstrative pronouns precisely point out the subjects to which they relate; such are this and that, with their plurals these and those; as, "This is a Hoosier lad; that is a Yankee school-master."
This refers to the nearest person or thing, and to the latter or last mentioned; that to the most distant, and to the former or first mentioned; as, "This is a man; that is a nondescript."
"At the period of the Reformation in Scotland, a curious contrast between the ancient and modern ecclesiastical systems was observed; for while that had been always maintained by a Bull, this was now supported by a Knox"
The indefinite are those which express their subjects in an indefinite or general manner; as, some, other, any, one, all, such, &c.
When the definite article the comes before the word other, those who do not know better, are accustomed to strike out the he in the, and to say, t'other.
The same persons also use other in the comparative degree; for sometimes, instead of saying quite the reverse, or perhaps reverse, they avail themselves of the expression more t'other.
So much for the pronouns.
CHAPTER VI. OF VERBS
SECTION I. OF THE NATURE OF VERBS IN GENERAL
The nature of Verbs in general, and that in all languages, is, that they are the most difficult things in the Grammar.
Verbs are divided into Active, Passive, and Neuter; and also into Regular, Irregular, and Defective. To these divisions we beg to add another; Verbs Comic.
A Verb Active implies an agent, and an object acted upon; as, to love; "I love Wilhelmina Stubbs." Here, I am the agent; that is, the lover; and Wilhelmina Stubbs is the object acted upon, or the beloved object.
A Verb Passive expresses the suffering, feeling, or undergoing of something; and therefore implies an object acted upon, and an agent by which it is acted upon; as, to be loved; "Wilhelmina Stubbs is loved by me."
A Verb Neuter expresses neither action nor passion, but a state of being; as, I bounce, I lie.
"Gracious, Major!"
Of Verbs Regular, Irregular, and Defective, we shall have somewhat to say hereafter.
Verbs Comic are, for the most part, verbs which cannot be found in the dictionary, and are used to express ordinary actions in a jocular manner; as, to "bolt," to "mizzle," which signify to go or to depart; to "bone," to "prig," that is to say, to steal; to "collar," which means to seize, an expression probably derived from the mode of prehension, or rather apprehension characteristic of the New Police, as it is one very much in the mouths of those who most frequently come in contact with that body: to "liquor,"'or drink; to "grub," or eat; to "sell," or deceive, &c.
Under the head of Verbs Comic, the Yankeeisms, I "calculate," I "reckon," I "realise," I "guess," and the like, may also be properly enumerated.
Auxiliary, or helping Verbs (by the way we marvel that the New Englanders do not call their servants auxiliaries instead of helps) are those, by the help of which we are chiefly enabled to conjugate our verbs in English. They are, do, be, have, shall, will, may, can, with their variations; and let and must, which have no variation.
Let, however, when it is anything but a helping verb, as, for instance, when it signifies to hinder, makes let-test and letteth. The phrase, "This House to Let," generally used instead of "to be let," meaning in fact, the reverse of what is intended to convey, is really a piece of comic English.
To verbs belong Number, Person, Mood, and Tense. These may be called the properties of a verb; and like those of opium, they are soporiferous properties. There are two very important objects which the writer of every book has, or ought to have in view, to get a reader who is wide awake, and to keep him so: – the latter of which, when Number, Person, Mood, and Tense are to be treated of, is no such easy matter; seeing that the said writer is then in some danger of going to sleep himself. Never mind. If we nod, let the reader wink. What can't be cured must be endured.
SECTION II. OF NUMBER AND PERSON
Verbs have two numbers, the Singular and the Plural: as, "I fiddle, we fiddle," &c.
In each number there are three persons; as,
SINGULAR. PLURAL.
First Person I love We love.
Second Person Thou lovest Ye or you love.
Third Person He loves They love.
What a deal there is in every Grammar about love! Here the following Lines, by a Young Lady, (now no more,) addressed to Lindley Murray, deserves to be recorded: —
"Oh, Murray! fatal name to me,
Thy burning page with tears is wet;
Since first 'to love' I learned of thee,
Teach me, ah! teach me to forget!'"
SECTION III. OF MOODS AND PARTICIPLES
Mood or Mode is a particular form of the verb, or a certain variation which it undergoes, showing the manner in which the being, action, or passion, is represented.
The moods of verbs are five, the Indicative, the Imperative, the Potential, the Subjunctive, and the Infinitive.
The Indicative Mood simply points out or declares a thing: as, "He teaches, he is taught or it asks a question: as, "Does he teach? Is he taught?"
Q. Why is old age the best teacher?
A. Because he gives you the most wrinkles.
Q. Why does a rope support a rope-dancer?
A. Because it is taught.
The Imperative Mood commands, exhorts, entreats, or permits: as, "Vanish thou; trot ye; let us hop; be off!"
The Potential Mood implies possibility or liberty, power, will, or obligation: as, "A waiter may be honest. Yuu may stand upon truth or lie. I can filch. He would cozen. They should learn."
The Subjunctive Mood is used to represent a thing as done conditionally; and is preceded by a conjunction, expressed or understood, and accompanied by another verb: as, "If the skies should fall, larks would be caught,"
"Were I to punch your head, I should serve you right: " that is, "if I were to punch your head."
The Infinitive Mood expresses a thing generally, without limitation, and without any distinction of number or person: as, "to quarrel, to fight, to be licked."
The Participle is a peculiar form of the verb, and is so called, because it participates in the properties both of a verb and of an adjective: as, "May I have the pleasure of dancing with you?"
"Mounted on a tub he addressed the bystanders."
"Having uplifted a stave, they departed."
The Participles are three; the Present or Active, the Perfect or Passive, and the Compound Perfect: as, "I felt nervous at the thought of popping the question, but that once popped, I was not sorry for having popped it."
The worst of popping the question is, that the report is always sure to get abroad.
SECTION IV. OF THE TENSES
Tense is the distinction of time, and consists of six divisions, namely, the Present, the Imperfect, the Perfect, the Pluperfect, and the First and Second Future Tenses.
Time is also distinguished by a fore-lock, scythe, and hour-glass; but the youthful reader must bear in mind, that these things are not to be confounded with tenses.
The Present Tense, as its name implies, represents an action or event occurring at the present time: as "I lament; rogues prosper; the mob rules."
The Imperfect Tense represents a past action or event, but which, like a mutton chop, may be either thoroughly done, or not thoroughly done; were it meet, we should say, under-done: as,
"When I was a little boy some fifteen years ago,
My mammy doted on me – Lork! she made me quite a show."
"When our reporter left, the Honorable Gentleman was still on his legs."
The legs of most "Honorable Gentlemen" must be tolerably stout ones; for the "majority" do not stand on trifles. However, we are not going to commit ourselves, like some folks, nor to get committed, like other folks; so we will leave "Honorable Gentlemen" to manage matters their own way.
The Perfect Tense declares a thing to have been done at some time, though an indefinite one, antecedent to the present time. That, however, which the Perfect Tense represents as done, is completely, or, as we say of a green one, when he is humbugged by the thimble-rig people, regularly done; as, "I have been out on the river."
"I have caught a crab." Catching a crab is a thing regularly (in another sense than completely) done, when civic swains pull young ladies up to Richmond. We beg to inform persons unacquainted with aquatic phraseology, that "pulling up" young ladies, or others, is a very different thing from "pulling up" an omnibus conductor or a cabman. What an equivocal language is ours! How much less agreeable to be "pulled up" at the Police office than to be "pulled up" in a row-boat! how wide the discrepancy between "pulling up" radishes and "pulling up" horses!
The Pluperfect Tense represents a thing as doubly past; that is, as past previously to some other point of time also past; as, "I fell in love before I had arrived at years of discretion."
The First Future Tense represents the action as yet to come, either at a certain or an uncertain time; as, "The tailor will send my coat home to-morrow; and when I find it perfectly convenient, I shall pay him." The Second Future intimates that the action will be completed at or before the time of another future action or event; as, "I wonder how many conquests I shall have made by to-morrow morning."
N. B. One ball is often the means of killing a great many people.
The consideration of the tenses suggests various moral reflections to the thinking mind. A couple of examples will perhaps suffice; —
1. Present, though moderate fruition, is preferable to splendid, but contingent futurity; i. e. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
2. Imperfect nutrition is less to be deprecated than privation of aliment; – a new way of putting an old proverb, which we need not again insert, respecting half a loaf.
SECTION V. THE CONJUGATION OF THE AUXILIARY VERBS TO HAVE AND TO BE
We have observed that boys, in conjugating verbs, give no indications of delight, except that which an ingenious disposition always feels in the acquisition of knowledge. Now, having arrived at that part of the Grammar in which it becomes necessary that these same verbs should be considered, we feel ourselves in an awkward dilemma. The omission of the conjugations is a serious omission – which, of course, is objectionable in a comic work – and the insertion of them would be equally serious, and therefore quite as improper. What shall we do? We will adopt a middle course; referring the reader to Murray and other talented authors for full information on these matters; and requesting him to be content with our confining ourselves to what is more especially suitable to these pages – a glance at the Comicalities of verbs.
If being a youngster I had not been smitten,
Of having been jilted I should not complain,
Take warning from me all ye lads who are bitten,
When this part of Grammar occurs to your brain.
As there is a certain intensity of feeling abroad, which renders people indisposed to trouble themselves with verbal matters, we shall take the liberty of making very short work of the Regular Verbs. Even Murray can only afford to conjugate one example, – To Love. The learner must amplify this part of the Grammar for himself: and we recommend him to substitute for "to love," some word less harrowing to a sensitive mind: as, "to fleece, to tax," verbs which excite disagreeable emotions only in a sordid one; and which also, by association of ideas, conduct us to useful reflections on Political Economy. We advise all whom it may concern, however, to pay the greatest attention to this part of the Grammar, and before they come to the Verbs Regular, to make a particular study of the Auxiliary Verbs: not only for the excellent reasons set forth, in "Tristram Shandy," but also to avoid those awkward mistakes in which the Comicalities of the Verbs, or Verbal Comicalities, chiefly consist.
"Did it rain to-morrow?" asked Monsieur Grenouille.
"Yes it was!" replied Monsieur Crapaud.
We propose the following as an auxiliary mode of conjugating verbs: – "I love to roam on the crested foam, Thou lovest to roam on the crested foam, He loves to roam on the crested foam, We love to roam on the crested foam, Ye or you love to roam on the crested foam, They love to roam on the crested foam," &c.
The Auxiliary Verbs, too, are very useful when a peculiar emphasis is required: as, "I shall give you a drubbing!"
"Will you?"
"I know a trick worth two of that."
"Do you, though?"
"It might" as the Quaker said to the Yankee, who wanted to know what his name might be; "it might be Beelzebub, but it is not."
Now we may as well say what we have to say about the conjugation of regular verbs active.
SECTION VI. THE CONJUGATION OF REGULAR VERBS ACTIVE
Regular Verbs Active are known by their forming their imperfect tense of the indicative mood, and their perfect participle, by adding to the verb ed, or d only when the verb ends in e: as,
PRESENT. IMPERFECT. PERF. PARTICPL.
I reckon I reckoned. Reckoned.
I realise. I realised. Realised.
Here should follow the conjugation of the regular active verb, To Love; but we have already assigned a good reason for omitting it; besides which we have to say, that we think it a verb highly unfit for conjugation by youth, as it tends to put ideas into their heads which they would otherwise never have thought of; and it is moreover our opinion, that several of our most gifted poets may, with reason, have attributed the so unfortunate attachments which, though formed in early youth, served to embitter their whole lives, to the poison which they thus sucked in with the milk, so to speak, of their Mother Tongue, the Grammar.
We shall therefore dismiss Cupid, and he must look for other lodgings.
PASSIVE
Verbs Passive are said to be regular, when their perfect participle is formed by the addition of d, or ed to the verb: as, from the verb "To bless," is formed the passive, "I am blessed, I was blessed, I shall be blessed," &c.
The conjugation of a passive verb is nothing more than the repetition of that of the auxiliary To Be, the perfect participle being added.
And now, having cut the regular verbs (as Alexander did the Gordian knot) instead of conjugating them, let us proceed to consider the
SECTION VII. IRREGULAR VERBS
Irregular Verbs are those of which the imperfect tense and the perfect participle are not formed by adding d or ed to the verb: as,
PRESENT. IMPERFECT. PERFECT PART
I blow. I blew. blown.
To say I am blown, is, under certain circumstances, such as windy and tempestuous weather, proper enough; but I am blowed, it will at once be perceived, is not only an ungrammatical, but also a vulgar expression.
Great liberties are taken with the Irregular Verbs, insomuch that in the mouths of some persons, divers of them become doubly irregular in the formation of their participles. Among such Irregular Verbs we may enumerate the following: —
PRESENT. IMPERFECT. PERF. OR PASS. PART
Am wur bin.
Burst bust busted.
PRESENT. IMPERFECT. PERF. OR PASS. PART
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SECTION VIII. OF DEFECTIVE VERBS
Most men have five senses,
Most verbs have six tenses;
But as there are some folks Who are blind, deaf, or dumb folks,
Just so there are some verbs Defective, or rum verbs, which are used only in some of their moods and tenses.
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