Read the book: «The Highly Sensitive Child»

Introduction

If you are reading these words, there is something about your child that makes you think he or she is highly sensitive. To best understand what that means, read over the checklist on pages xvii–xviii. If many of these statements apply to your child, read on … and welcome.

Almost everyone knows that even at birth children have their own personalities. “She always knew what she wanted, even as a baby, and she was going to have it or else.” “He was always good-natured. Feed him or not, change him or not—it hardly mattered.” Like every other child, yours has inherited her own unique combination of innate temperament traits. Yet each trait taken by itself is probably not unique, but is typical of a group of children, and so it can be easily described. “Strong-willed.” “Good-natured.” And so forth.

One such common inherited trait is high sensitivity, found in about 15 to 20 percent of children (the percentage is the same in boys and girls). Some infants seem fairly oblivious to whatever you feed them and whatever the temperature of the room may be; it does not matter to them if the stereo is on loud or the lights are bright. But highly sensitive infants seem to notice every slightly new taste, every change in temperature; they startle at loud noises and cry when a bright light is in their eyes. When they are older, they are often emotionally sensitive, too. They cry easily when their feelings are hurt, they worry more, and they can be so happy they “can’t bear it.” They also reflect before they act, so that they often come across as shy or afraid when they are merely observing. When they grow older still, they are often remarkable for their kindness and conscientiousness; they are upset by injustice, cruelty, or irresponsibility.

Even though it is possible to say a great deal about highly sensitive children (HSCs), no description will fit every child perfectly because, again, each HSC is unique, thanks to a unique combination of inherited traits plus different upbringings and school experiences. Your HSC may be outgoing or prefer to play alone, persistent or easily distracted, bossy and demanding or so adaptable he’s “almost too good.” But there is still a common thread of sensitivity you can recognize.

THE REASON FOR THIS BOOK

Now might be the time to tell you a little more about my study of high sensitivity in adults and how I came to extend my work to children and child-rearing. I am a research psychologist as well as a licensed clinical psychologist; I am also a highly sensitive person and the parent of one. As I describe in Chapter 1, I began researching high sensitivity as a trait about twelve years ago, and so far I have interviewed or consulted with hundreds, maybe thousands, of sensitive adults, parents, and children. I have gathered questionnaire data from thousands of others. This research has also been published in the leading journals in my field. The information you will find in this book is based on solid evidence. In fact, it has been studied for fifty years in infants and children but described in other terms, such as low sensory threshold, innate shyness, introversion, fearfulness, inhibitedness, negativity, or timidity. So one could say that the basic reason for this book is that the trait needed renaming, especially when the old terms are applied to children. And in renaming it, we gain not only a more accurate description but new ways to think about our sensitive children.

For example, when a child is just watching, we tend to say she is shy or fearful without considering the possibility that this may be the expression of a sensitive individual’s innate preference to pause and observe before proceeding. Or we may hear that a child is “overreacting” or “cannot screen out irrelevant information” when he notices every mood and detail. But what is wrong with having a nervous system that is extremely good at registering the subtle nuances in a given situation? (Besides, who can say what is irrelevant? Noticing where the exit is might seem to most people like seeing “too many details”—until there’s a fire.)

Probably one reason I had this insight about renaming the trait was that, being highly sensitive myself, I knew a little better what was going on inside a sensitive person. True, we are a bit more likely to become shy or anxious after being exposed to certain adverse circumstances. But I am now convinced that it is sensitivity, not shyness or anxiety, that is the fundamental trait. Furthermore, both my research and the research of others indicate that it is primarily parenting that decides whether the expression of sensitivity will be an advantage or a source of anxiety. There are simply too many highly sensitive individuals—again, about 20 percent of the population—for this trait to be a consistent disadvantage. Evolution would not have permitted it. When we understand this trait as sensitivity, we can see its many assets, notice the many sensitive individuals who are thriving, speak of the trait accurately, and above all, parent sensitive children better.

Describing this trait as high sensitivity has been justified best, however, by the response to the concept from the hundreds of thousands who read The Highly Sensitive Person or The Highly Sensitive Person in Love, many of whom have told me, “That’s me—it fits me perfectly, and I never knew anyone else had these feelings … this hunger for enough down time and quiet, the almost constant awareness of others and concern for doing things right.” (This response has not been trivial. My first book, The Highly Sensitive Person, became a best-seller and has been translated into Dutch, Japanese, Chinese, Greek, and Polish so far.) Many who contacted me also went on to say that they wished their parents had known about this trait when raising them, or they wanted advice on how to raise their own sensitive child.

Thus it seemed important to write The Highly Sensitive Child, particularly because the advice in the many generally good, one-size-fits-all parenting books leaves out issues that are important for HSCs, such as the need to maintain an optimal level of stimulation and how to do that. Missing just this point about arousal can lead to real problems, such as when a book suggests discipline methods that would so overarouse HSCs that they would be too upset to take in the moral lesson behind the correction. There is simply no other parenting book written with HSCs in mind.

Above all, this book was written because I know some of you are having considerable trouble raising an HSC. This should not be happening. Some of you may have even concluded that there is something wrong with your child or with you as a parent. This book will help alleviate that feeling. It really will. You will relax about your child and your child will be able to relax as well.

HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

I strongly urge you to read the whole book. The first half is about sensitivity, how your parenting is affected by your own temperament, and the biggest issues to be faced with HSCs, regardless of the age of your child. The second half focuses on specific age groups, all the way from infancy to the young adult who has left home. You should read about all ages of HSCs because (1) there are fresh ideas in each chapter that also apply to children of other ages; (2) under stress, HSCs can return to the behaviors and problems of a younger age, and when feeling good HSCs can act older than their age, so the advice for an age that your child is not may still apply right now; and (3) understanding what was happening during the years before you read this book and what will happen in the years ahead can help you a great deal with your child today.

The “Applying What You Have Learned” sections at the end of some chapters are, of course, optional, but should be helpful and enjoyable. And the case studies provided are all of real parents and children, with the names and identifying details changed, of course.

Above all, I hope that you use this book with pleasure. Having an HSC is a great blessing. Yes, there are some complications because your child is “different,” but here is this book’s motto (it was mine even before I understood that my son was an HSC): To have an exceptional child you must be willing to have an exceptional child. You have one. And this book will teach you how to raise him to be not only exceptional, but healthy, loving, well-adjusted, and happy.