Next Door Neighbours: A Comedy; In Three Acts

PROLOGUE,

By T. VAUGHAN, Esq

SPOKEN BY MR. BANNISTER, JUN

 
To Puff, or not to Puff – that is the Question —
Puff by all means, say I, it helps digestion.
To prove my maxim true, pray read the Papers —
From Quacks of State, to those who cure the Vapours.
 
 
You'll find them, one and all, puff high their skill,
Tho' nine in ten, are oft'ner found to kill. —
Yet Puff's the word, which gives at least a name,
And oftener gains the undeserving Fame:
Or wherefore read we of Lord Fanny's Taste,
Of me– an Actor —wonderfully chaste!
And yet so squeamish is our Lady elf,
She'd rather die – than paragraph herself;
So fix'd on me – the Prologue speaking Hack,
To stop, with Puff-direct, the Critic Pack,
 

 
And who so harmless as our present Bard,
Claiming no greater or distinct reward,
Than what from free Translation is her due,
Which here in fullest trust she leaves to you:
With this remark – Who own their Debts with pride,
Are well entitled to the Credit Side.
And as for those with whom she makes so free
They'll ne'er complain of English Liberty;
But glory to behold their Tinsel shine,
Through the rich Bullion of the English Line.
 
 
Fear then avaunt! Trust to a British Jury —
With them, an honest Verdict I'll ensure you:
Let Echo catch the sound – 'Tis Pratte¹ enacts,
You're Judges of the Law, as well as Facts.
On this she rests her Cause, and hopes to find,
As Friends, and Next Door Neighbours, you'll be kind;
At least, this only punishment ensue,
A Frown– and that's severe enough, from you.
Thus puff'd– I freely to the Court commit her,
Not doubting, as a Woman, you'll acquit her —
 

DRAMATIS PERSONÆ

ACT I

SCENE I. An Antichamber at Sir GeorgeSplendorville's, adjoining a Ball-room

Enter Bluntly, meeting a Servant in Livery

BLUNTLY

Come, come, is not every thing ready? Is not the ball-room prepared yet? It is past ten o'clock.

SERVANT

We have only to fix up the new chandelier.

BLUNTLY

I'll have no new chandelier.

SERVANT

My master said the last ball he gave, the company were in the dark.

BLUNTLY

And if you blind them with too much light, they will be in the dark still.

SERVANT

The musicians, sir, wish for some wine.

BLUNTLY

What, before the ball begins? No, tell them if they are tipsy at the end of it, it will be quite soon enough.

SERVANT

You are always so cross, Mr. Bluntly, when my master is going to have company.

BLUNTLY

Have not I a right to be cross? For while the whole house is in good humour, if there was not one person cross enough to take a little care, every thing would be wasted and ruined through extreme good temper. (A man crosses the stage.) Here, you – Mister – Pray are you the person who was sent with the chandelier?

SHOPMAN

Yes, sir.

BLUNTLY

Then please to take it back again – We don't want it.

SHOPMAN

What is your objection to it, sir?

BLUNTLY

It will cost too much.

SHOPMAN

Mr. Bluntly, all the trades-people are more frightened at you than at your master. – Sir George, Heaven bless him! never cares how much a thing costs.

BLUNTLY

That is, because he never cares whether he pays for it or not – but if he did, depend upon it he would be very particular. Tradesmen all wish to be paid for their ware, don't they?

SHOPMAN

Certainly, sir.

BLUNTLY

Then why will they force so many unnecessary things, and make so many extravagant charges as to put all power of payment out of the question?

Enter Evans: —The Tradesman goes off at theopposite Door

BLUNTLY

How do you do, Mrs. Evans? [Sullenly.

EVANS

What makes you sigh, Mr. Bluntly?

BLUNTLY

What makes you smile?

EVANS

To see all the grand preparations for the ball this evening. I anticipate the joy my lady will take here, and I smile for her.

BLUNTLY

And I sigh for my master. – I foresee all the bills that will be brought in, for this evening's expence, and I anticipate the sorrow it will one day be to him.

EVANS

But consider, Mr. Bluntly, your master has my lady's fortune to take.

BLUNTLY

Yes, but I consider he has your lady to take along with it; and I prophecy one will stick by him some time after the other is gone.

EVANS

For shame. – My lady, I have no doubt, will soon cure Sir George of his extravagance.

BLUNTLY

It will then be by taking away the means. – Why, Lady Caroline is as extravagant as himself.

EVANS

You are mistaken. – She never gives routs, masquerades, balls, or entertainments of any kind.

BLUNTLY

But she constantly goes to them whenever she is invited.

EVANS

That, I call but a slight imprudence. – She has no wasteful indiscretions like Sir George.

For instance, she never makes a lavish present.

BLUNTLY

No, but she takes a lavish present, as readily as if she did.

EVANS

And surely you cannot call that imprudence?

BLUNTLY

No, I call it something worse.

EVANS

Then, although she loves gaming to distraction, and plays deep, yet she never loses.

BLUNTLY

No, but she always wins – and that I call something worse.

[A loud rapping at the street-door.

EVANS

Here's the company. Will you permit me, Mr. Bluntly, to stand in one corner, and have a peep at them?

BLUNTLY

If you please. (Rapping again.) What spirit there is in that, Rat, tat, tat, tat. – And what life, frolic, and joy, the whole house is going to experience except myself. As for me, I am ready to cry at the thoughts of it all.

[Exit.

Enter Lady Caroline

LADY CAROLINE

Here, the first of the company. I am sorry for it. (Evans comes forward.) Evans, what has brought you hither?

EVANS

I came, my lady, to see the preparations making on your account – for it is upon your account alone, that Sir George gives this grand fête.

LADY CAROLINE

Why, I do flatter myself it is. – But where is he? What is it o'clock? – It was impossible to stay at the stupid opera. – How do I look? I once did intend to wear those set of diamonds Sir George presented me with the other morning – but then, I reflected again, that if —

EVANS

Ah, my lady, what a charming thing to have such a lover – Sir George prevents every wish —

he must make the best of husbands.

LADY CAROLINE

And yet my father wishes to break off the marriage – he talks of his prodigality – and, certainly, Sir George lives above his income.

EVANS

But then, Madam, so does every body else.

LADY CAROLINE

But Sir George ought undoubtedly to change his conduct, and not be thus continually giving balls and entertainments – and inviting to his table acquaintance, that not only come to devour his dinners and suppers, but him.

EVANS

And there are people malicious enough to call your ladyship one of his devourers too.

LADY CAROLINE

As a treaty of marriage is so nearly concluded between us, I think, Mrs. Evans, I am at liberty to visit Sir George, or to receive his presents, without having my character, or my delicacy called in question. (A loud rapping.) The company are coming: is it not strange he is not here to receive them.

[Exit Evans.

Enter two Ladies and a Gentleman, who curtsy andbow to Lady Caroline. – Sir George entersat the opposite door, magnificently dressed

SIR GEORGE

Ladies, I entreat your pardon; dear Lady

Caroline excuse me. I have been in the country all the morning, and have had scarce time to return to town and dress for your reception.

[Another rapping.

Enter Mr. Lucre, Lord Hazard, LadyBridget Squander, &c.

SIR GEORGE

Dear Lucre, I am glad to see you.

MR. LUCRE

My dear Sir George, I had above ten engagements this evening, but they all gave place to your invitation.

SIR GEORGE

Thank you. – My dear Lady Bridget —

LADY BRIDGET

It is impossible to resist an invitation from the most polished man alive. (Sir George bows.) What a superb dress! (in his hearing, as he turnsaway) and what an elegant deportment.

MR. LUCRE

[After speaking apart with Sir George.

No, I am not in a state to take any part at Pharo – I am ruin'd. – Would you believe it Sir George, I am not worth a farthing in the world.

SIR GEORGE

Yes, I believed it long ago.

MR. LUCRE

Now we are on that subject – could you lend me a hundred pounds?

SIR GEORGE

[Taking out his pocket-book.

I have about me, only this bill for two hundred.

MR. LUCRE

That will do as well – I am not circumstantial. (Takes it.) And my dear Sir George command my purse at any time – all it contains, will ever be at your service.

SIR GEORGE

I thank you.

MR. LUCRE

Nay, though I have no money of my own, yet you know I can always raise friends – and by heaven! my dear Sir George, I often wish to see you reduced to my circumstances, merely to prove how much I could, and would, do to serve you.

SIR GEORGE

I sincerely thank you.

MR. LUCRE

And one can better ask a favour for one's friend than for one's-self, you know: for when one wants to borrow money on one's own account, there are so many little delicacies to get the better of – such as I felt just now. – I was as pale as death, I dare say, when I asked you for this money – did not you perceive I was?

SIR GEORGE

I can't say I did.

MR. LUCRE

But you must have observed I hesitated, and looked very foolish.

SIR GEORGE

I thought for my part, that I looked as foolish. – But I hope I did not hesitate.

MR. LUCRE

Nor ever will, when a friend applys to you, I'll answer for it – Nor ever shall a friend hesitate when you apply.

LORD HAZARD

[Taking Sir George aside.

The obligations I am under to you for extricating me from that dangerous business —

SIR GEORGE

Never name it.

LORD HAZARD

Not only name it, Sir George, but shortly I hope to return the kindness; and, if I do but live —

SIR GEORGE

[To the company.

Permit me to conduct you to the next apartment.

LADY CAROLINE

Most willingly, Sir George. I was the first who arrived; which proves my eagerness to dance.

SIR GEORGE

[Aside to her.

But let me hope, passion for dancing was not the only one, that caused your impatience.

[As the company move towards the ball-room, Mr. Lucre and Lord Hazard comeforward.

MR. LUCRE

Oh! there never was such a man in the world as the master of this house; there never was such a friendly, generous, noble heart; he has the best heart in the world, and the best taste in dress.

[The company Exeunt, and the music is heardto begin.