Good Stories Reprinted from the Ladies' Home Journal of Philadelphia

"I'd like to go in there," he said to the keeper, "but it would be mean to go in without my family, and I cannot afford to pay for my wife and seventeen children."

The keeper stared at him in astonishment. "Are all those your children?" he gasped.

"Every one," said the man.

"You wait a minute," said the keeper. "I'm going to bring the elk out and let them see you all."

One Button was in Use

A school principal was trying to make clear to his class the fundamental doctrines of the Declaration of Independence.

"Now, boys," he said, "I will give you each three ordinary buttons. Here they are. You must think of the first one as representing Life, of the second one as representing Liberty, and the third one as representing the Pursuit of Happiness. Next Sunday I will ask you each to produce the three buttons and tell me what they represent."

The following Sunday the teacher said to the youngest member:

"Now, Johnnie, produce your three buttons and tell me what they stand for."

"I ain't got 'em all," he sobbed, holding out two of the buttons.

"Here's Life an' here's Liberty, but mommer sewed the Pursuit of Happiness on my pants."

He Remembered

A restaurant-keeper hung out this sign:

 
     "Coffee:
   Such as Mother Used to Make."
 

A customer asked, pointing to the sign:

"Is your coffee really such as mother used to make?"

"It is," replied the proprietor.

"Then," said the man with a reminiscent look, "give me a cup of tea."

Wasn't Delicate at All

A young man, not regarded as a very desirable suitor, had called upon a young lady a number of times, each time to be told by the maid that "Miss Florence was not well today."

One day, in response to his card, the young lady's mother, who was a recent accession to the newly-rich ranks, and whose education was not as sure as it might be, appeared and explained once more to the young man that the daughter was not well.

"I am very sorry, indeed," said the young man as he rose to go, "that your daughter is so delicate."

"Delicate?" sniffed the mother; "Florence dell'cate? Not at all.

Why, she is the most indelicate girl you ever met."

A Live Topic

A member of the faculty of the University of Chicago, according to "Harper's Weekly," tells of the sad case of a young woman from Indiana who was desirous of attaining social prominence in Chicago.

Soon after her arrival there she made the acquaintance of a student at the university to whom she took a great fancy.

Evidently it was at this time she realized for the first time that her early education had been neglected, for she said to a friend:

"I suppose that, as he is a college man, I'll have to be awful careful what I say. Whatever will I talk about to him?"

The friend suggested history as a safe topic. To her friend's astonishment she took the advice seriously, and shortly commenced in earnest to "bone up" in English history.

When the young man called, the girl listened for some time with ill-concealed impatience to his talk of football, outdoor meets, dances, etc., but finally she decided to take the matter in her own hands. She had not done all that reading for nothing; so, a pause in the conversation affording the desired opportunity, she suddenly exclaimed, with considerable vivacity:

"Wasn't it awful about Mary, Queen of Scots?"

"Why, what's the matter?" stammered the student, confused.

"My gracious!" almost yelled the girl from Indiana, "didn't you know?

Why, the poor thing had her head cut off!"

The After-College Girl's Complaint

A lady was calling on some friends one summer afternoon. The talk buzzed along briskly, fans waved and the daughter of the house kept twitching uncomfortably, frowning and making little smothered exclamations of annoyance. Finally, with a sigh, she rose and left the room.

"Your daughter," said the visitor, "seems to be suffering from the heat."

"No," said the hostess. "She is just back home from college and she is suffering from the family grammar."

It All Seemed So Unnecessary

A city man once had occasion, says "Lippincott's Magazine," to stop at a country home where a tin basin and a roller-towel on the back porch sufficed for the family's ablutions. For two mornings the "hired man" of the household watched in silence the visitor's efforts at making a toilette under the unfavorable auspices, but when on the third day the tooth-brush, nail-file, whisk-broom, etc., had been duly used and returned to their places in the traveler's grip, he could suppress his curiosity no longer, so boldly put the question: "Say, Mister, air you always that much trouble to yo'se'f?"

Overdid it a Bit

A famous statesman prided himself on his success in campaigning, when called upon to reach a man's vote through his family pride.

On one of his tours he passed through a country town when he came suddenly upon a charming group—a comely woman with a bevy of little ones about her—in a garden. He stopped short, then advanced and leaned over the front gate.

"Madam," he said In his most ingratiating way, "may I kiss these beautiful children?"

"Certainly, sir," the lady answered demurely.

"They are lovely darlings," said the campaigner after he had finished the eleventh. "I have seldom seen more beautiful babies. Are they all yours, marm?"

The lady blushed deeply.

"Of course they are—the sweet little treasures," he went on. "From whom else, marm, could they have inherited these limpid eyes, these rosy cheeks, these profuse curls, these comely figures and these musical voices?"

The lady continued blushing.

"By-the-way, marm," said the statesman, "may I bother you to tell your estimable husband that –, the Republican candidate for Governor, called upon him this evening?"

"I beg your pardon," said the lady, "I have no husband."

"But these children, madam—you surely are not a widow ?"

"I fear you were mistaken, sir, when you first came up. These are not my children. This is an orphan asylum!"

One on the Doctor That Time

A prominent physician, whose specialty was physical diagnosis, required his patients, before entering his private consultation-room, to divest themselves of all superfluous clothing in order to save time. One day a man presented himself without having complied with this requirement.

"Why do you come in here without complying with my rules?" demanded the doctor. "Just step into that side room and remove your clothing and then I'll see you. Next patient, please!"

The man did as requested, and after a time presented himself in regular order duly divested of his clothing.

"Now," said the doctor, "what can I do for you ?"

"I just called," replied the man, "to collect that tailoring bill which you owe us."

Anxious About Him

One winter's day a very bowlegged tramp called at a home in Ontario and stood to warm himself by the kitchen stove. A little boy in the home surveyed him carefully for some minutes, then finally approaching him, he said: "Say, mister, you better stand back; you're warping!"

The Only Way He Could Help

Chief Justice Matthews, while presiding over the Supreme Court at Washington, took the several Justices of the Court for a run down Chesapeake Bay. A stiff wind sprang up, and Justice Gray was getting decidedly the worst of it. As he leaned over the rail in great distress, Chief Justice Matthews touched him on the shoulder and said in a tone of deepest sympathy: "Is there anything I can do for you, Gray?"

"No, thank you," returned the sick Justice, "unless your Honor can overrule this motion."

He Was Willing to Oblige

A young North Carolina girl is charming, but, like a great many other charming people, she is poor. She never has more than two evening gowns in a season, and the ruin of one of them is always a very serious matter to her. She went to a little dancing-party last week and she wore a brand-new white frock. During the evening a great big, red-faced, perspiring man came up and asked her to dance. He wore no gloves. She looked at his well-meaning but moist hands despairingly, and thought of the immaculate back of her waist. She hesitated a bit, and then she said, with a winning smile;

"Of course I'll dance with you, but, if you don't mind, won't you please use your handkerchief?"

The man looked at her blankly a moment or two. Then a light broke over his face.

"Why, certainly," he said.

And he pulled out his handkerchief and blew his nose.

Not All the Time, But–

A man saw a waiter in a restaurant spill a tureen of tomato soup over a young lady's white gown.

The young lady, instead of flying into a passion, smiled. She said it didn't matter. She continued to eat and to talk as though nothing had happened.

This so impressed the man that he got an introduction to the young lady, proposed to her at the end of a month or so, and was accepted.

Some time after the marriage he spoke of the tomato-soup accident.

"I shall never forget it," said the bride.

"Your conduct," said the man, "was admirable."

"I remember," she said, "that I did behave very well at the time; but I wish you could have seen the marks of my teeth on the bedpost that night."

Necessity and Invention

A mother with her seven children started away on a journey. After entering the car the largest child was laid out flat on the seat, and the remaining six then sat upon him in a row.

When the conductor came around to collect the fares the mother counted her money, handed it over, smiled, and suavely said: "Sir, the oldest is under six."

Taking No Chances

An epileptic dropped in a fit on the streets of Boston not long ago, and was taken to a hospital. Upon removing his coat there was found pinned to his waistcoat a slip of paper on which was written:

"This is to inform the house-surgeon that this is just a case of plain fit: not appendicitis. My appendix has already been removed twice."

Too Much Curiosity

A dangerous operation was being performed upon a woman. Old Doctor A–, a quaint German, full of kindly wit and professional enthusiasm, had several younger doctors with him. One of them was administering the ether. He became so interested in the old doctor's work that he withdrew the cone from the patient's nostrils and she half-roused and rose to a sitting posture, looking with wild-eyed amazement over the surroundings. It was a critical period, and Doctor A– did not want to be interrupted. "Lay down, dere, voman," he commanded gruffly. "You haf more curiosity as a medical student."

They Were Both Charged

A little girl, brushing her hair, found that it "crackled," and asked her mother why it did.

"Why, dear, you have electricity in your hair," explained the mother.

"Isn't that funny?" commented the little one. "I have electricity in my hair, and Grandmother has gas in her stomach."

Could Use the Other Kind, Too

"Here," said the salesman, "is something we call the 'lovers' clock.'

You can set it so it will take it two hours to run one hour."

"I'll take that," said Miss Jarmer with a bright blush. "And now, if you have one that can be set so as to run two hours in one hour's time or less, I think I'd like one of that kind, too."

A Regard for Appearance

A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the last season's hats at a very moderate price. It was a big white picture-hat.

"Law, no, honey!" exclaimed the woman. "I could nevah wear that. I'd look jes' like a blueberry in a pan of milk."

Rapid-Fire

A frivolous young English girl, with no love for the Stars and Stripes, once exclaimed at a celebration where the American flag was very much in evidence:

"Oh, what a silly-looking thing the American flag is! It suggests nothing but checker-berry candy."

"Yes," replied a bystander, "the kind of candy that has made everybody sick who ever tried to lick it."

Kipling at a Luncheon

At a tea the other day, says "The New York Sun," a woman heard the following remarks made about her favorite author. She turned to listen, amazed by the eccentricities of conduct narrated.

"Yes, you know," the hostess was saying, "Kipling came in and behaved so strangely! At luncheon he suddenly sprang up and wouldn't let the waitress come near the table. Every time that she tried to come near he would jump at her.

"He made a dive for the cake, which was on the lower shelf of the sideboard, and took it into the parlor to eat it. He got the crumbs all over the sofa and the beautiful rug.

"When he had finished his cake he simply sat and glared at us."

The visitor finally could not control herself, and asked:

"Excuse me, but are you speaking of Mr. Rudyard Kipling?"

"Mr. Rudyard Kipling?" echoed the hostess. "Oh, no; Kipling is our dog!"

Getting His Trousseau Ready

The kindly 'Squire of the neighborhood was just leaving from a friendly social visit to Mrs. Maguire.

"And your son, Mrs. Maguire?" said the 'Squire as he reached for his hat. "I hope he is well. Busy, I suppose, getting ready for his wedding tonight ?"

"Well, not very busy this minit, 'Squire," answered the beaming mother. "He's upstairs in bed while I'm washing out his trousseau."

There Was a Chance

"Going to send your boy on an ocean trip, are you?" said a friend to a father.

"Yes," replied the father. "You see, if there is anything in him I think a long sea voyage will bring it out."

Deserved to be Tried

The Judge was at dinner in the new household when the young wife asked: "Did you ever try any of my biscuits, Judge?"

"No," said the Judge, "I never did, but I dare say they deserve it."

End of the Honeymoon

An old married man happened to meet a beaming bridegroom on the latter'S first day at business after the wedding trip.

"Hello!" said he; "finished your honeymoon yet?"

"I don't know," replied the happy husband, smiling. "I have never been able to determine the exact meaning of the word honeymoon."

"Well, then, has your wife commenced to do the cooking yet?"

If You Have a Mole

No one is said to be without a mole or two, and these are some of the prognostications that mole-wearers may draw from their brown ornaments;

A mole on the right side of a man's forehead denotes wonderful luck; on the right side of a woman's forehead, gifts from the dead.

On the left side of a man's forehead a mole denotes a long term in prison, on the left side of a woman's forehead, two husbands and a life of exile.

A man with a mole in the middle of his forehead has a cruel mind; a woman with such a mole is foolish and envious.

A mole on the neck in man or woman promises a long and happy life, wealth and fame.

A man with a mole on the left side of the upper lip rarely marries, and such a mole in the case of a woman denotes suffering.

On the right side of the upper-lip a mole promises great good fortune to both sexes.

Her Own Eyes Good Enough for Him

A little Scotch boy's grandmother was packing his luncheon for him to take to school one morning. Suddenly looking up in the old lady's face, he said:

"Grandmother, does yer specs magnify?"

"A little, my child," she answered.

"Aweel, then," said the boy, "I wad juist like it if ye wad tak' them aff when ye're packin' my loonch."

How Did He Know?

After dinner, when the ladies had gone upstairs, the men, over their coffee and cigars, talked, as men will, of love.

All of a sudden the host cried in a loud voice:

"I will tell you, gentlemen, this is the truth: I have kissed the dainty Japanese girl. I have kissed the South Sea Island maiden. I have kissed the slim Indian beauty. And the girls of England, of Germany, even of America, I have kissed, but it is most true that to kiss my wife is best of all."

Then a young man cried across the table:

"By Heaven, sir, you are right there!"

So Mother—So Son

Vincent was altogether too garrulous in school to please his teachers. Such punishments as the institution allowed to be meted out were tried without any apparent effect upon the boy until at last the head Master decided to mention the lad's fault upon his monthly report.

So the next report to his father had these words: "Vincent talks a great deal."

Back came the report by mail duly signed, but with this written in red ink under the comment: "You ought to hear his mother."

An Endless Wash

In one of the lesser Indian hill wars an English detachment took an Afghan prisoner. The Afghan was very dirty. Accordingly two privates were deputed to strip and wash him.

The privates dragged the man to a stream of running water, undressed him, plunged him in, and set upon him lustily with stiff brushes and large cakes of white soap.

After a long time one of the privates came back to make a report. He saluted his officer and said disconsolately:

"It's no use, sir. It's no use."

"No use?" said the officer. "What do you mean? Haven't you washed that Afghan yet?"

"It's no use, sir," the private repeated. "We've washed him for two hours, but it's no use."

"How do you mean it's no use ?" said the officer angrily.

"Why, sir," said the private, "after rubbin' him and scrubbin' him till our arms ached I'll be hanged if we didn't come to another suit of clothes."

Once Dead Always Dead

The hero of the play, after putting up a stiff fight with the villain, had died to slow music, says a storyteller in "The Chicago Tribune."

The audience insisted on his coming before the curtain.

He refused to appear.

But the audience still insisted.

Then the manager, a gentleman with a strong accent, came to the front.

"Ladies an' gintlemen," he said, "the carpse thanks ye kindly, but he says he's dead, an' he's goin' to stay dead."

Had to Get it Done Somehow

A little boy bustled into a grocery one day with a memorandum in his hand.

"Hello, Mr. Smith," he said. "I want thirteen pounds of coffee at 32 cents."

"Very good," said the grocer, and he noted down the sale, and put his clerk to packing the coffee. "Anything else, Charlie?"

"Yes. Twenty-seven pounds of sugar at 9 cents."

"The loaf, eh? And what else?"

"Seven and a half pounds of bacon at 20 cents."

"That will be a good brand. Go on."

"Five pounds of tea at 90 cents; eleven and a half quarts of molasses at 8 cents a pint; two eight-pound hams at 21 1/4 cents, and five dozen jars of pickled walnuts at 24 cents a jar."

The grocer made out the bill,

"It's a big order," he said. "Did your mother tell you to pay for it?"

"My mother," said the boy, as he pocketed the neat and accurate bill, "has nothing to do with this business. It is my arithmetic lesson and I had to get it done somehow."

A Personal Demonstration

Chatting in leisurely fashion with Prince Bismarck in Berlin Lord Russell asked the Chancellor how he managed to rid himself of importunate visitors whom he could not refuse to see, but who stuck like burrs when once admitted.

"Oh," replied Bismarck, "I have my easy escape. My wife knows people of this class very well, and when she is sure there is a bore here and sees them staying too long she manages to call me away on some plausible pretext."

Scarcely had he finished speaking when the Princess Bismarck appeared at the door. "My dear," she said to her husband, "you must come at once and take your medicine; you should have taken it an hour ago."

Not for Him

A quiet and retiring citizen occupied a seat near the door of a crowded car when a masterful stout woman entered.

Having no newspaper behind which to hide he was fixed and subjugated by her glittering eye. He rose and offered his place to her. Seating herself—without thanking him—she exclaimed in tones that reached to the farthest end of the car:

"What do you want to stand up there for? Come here and sit on my lap."

"Madam," gasped the man, as his face became scarlet. "I beg your pardon, I—I–"

"What do you mean?" shrieked the woman. "You know very well I was speaking to my niece there behind you."

Such a Pleasant Room

"It ain't ev'rybody I'd put to sleep in this room," said old Mrs. Jinks to the fastidious and extremely nervous young minister who was spending a night at her house.

"This here room is full of sacred associations to me," she went on, as she bustled around opening shutters and arranging the curtains. "My first husband died in that bed with his head on these very pillers, and poor Mr. Jinks died settin' right in that corner. Sometimes when I come into the room in the dark I think I see him settin' there still.

"My own father died layin' right on that lounge under the winder. Poor Pa! He was a Speeritualist, and he allus said he'd appear in this room after he died, and sometimes I'm foolish enough to look for him. If you should see anything of him tonight you'd better not tell me; for it'd be a sign to me that there was something in Speeritualism, and I'd hate to think that.

"My son by my first man fell dead of heart-disease right where you stand. He was a doctor, and there's two whole skeletons in that closet that belonged to him, and half a dozen skulls in that lower drawer.

"There, I guess things'll do now–

"Well, good-night, and pleasant dreams."

Giving a Woman Her Rights

The car was full and the night was wet. The bell rang, the car stopped, and a lady entered. As she looked tired a nice old gentleman in the corner rose and inquired in a kind voice, "Would you like to sit down, ma'am? Excuse me, though," he added; "I think you are Mrs. Sprouter, the advocate of woman's rights."

"I am, sir," replied the lady calmly.

"You think that women should be equal to men?" further queried the old gentleman.

"Certainly," was the firm reply.

"You think that they should have the same rights and privileges?" was the next question.

"Most emphatically," came from the supporter of woman's rights.

"Very well," said the kind old gentleman, sitting down again, "just stand up and enjoy them."

A Riddle to Willie

 
  I asked my Pa a simple thing;
    "Where holes in doughnuts go?"
  Pa read his paper, then he said:
    "Oh, you're too young to know."
 
 
  I asked my Ma about the wind:
    "Why can't you see it blow?"
  Ma thought a moment, then she said:
   "Oh, you're too young to know."
 
 
  Now, why on earth do you suppose
    They went and licked me so?
  Ma asked: "Where is that jam?" I said:
    "Oh, you're too young to know."
 

Under Her Bed

Mrs. Hicks was telling some ladies about the burglar scare in her house the night before.

"Yes," she said, "I heard a noise and got up, and there from under the bed I saw a man's legs sticking out."

"Mercy," exclaimed a woman—"the burglar's legs?"

"No, my dear, my husband's legs. He had heard the noise, too."

Didn't Think He Was Polite

They were on their honeymoon. He had bought a catboat and had taken her out to show her how well he could handle a boat, putting her to tend the sheet. A puff of wind came, and he shouted in no uncertain tones:

"Let go the sheet."

No response.

Then again:

"Let go that sheet, quick."

Still no movement. A few minutes after, when both were clinging to the bottom of the overturned boat, he said:

"Why didn't you let go that sheet when I told you to, dear?"

"I would have," said the bride, "if you had not been so rough about it. You ought to speak more kindly to your wife."

He Had a Large Reach

President Eliot, of Harvard, on a visit to the Pacific Coast, met Professor O. B. Johnson, of the University of Washington, says "The New York Tribune." In the course of the conversation President Eliot asked the Westerner what chair he held.

"Well," said Professor Johnson, "I am professor of biology, but I also give instruction in meteorology, botany, physiology, chemistry, entomology and a few others."

"I should say that you occupied a whole settee, not a chair," replied Harvard's chief.

When Fighting Really Began

An aged, gray-haired and very wrinkled old woman, arrayed in the outlandish calico costume of the mountains, was summoned as a witness in court to tell what she knew about a fight in her house. She took the witness-stand with evidences of backwardness and proverbial Bourbon verdancy. The Judge asked her in a kindly voice what took place. She insisted it did not amount to much, but the Judge by his persistency finally got her to tell the story of the bloody fracas.

"Now, I tell ye, Jedge, it didn't amount to nuthn'. The fust I knowed about it was when Bill Saunder called Tom Smith a liar, en Tom knocked him down with a stick o' wood. One o' Bill's friends then cut Tom with a knife, slicin' a big chunk out o' him. Then Sam Jones, who was a friend of Tom's, shot the other feller and two more shot him, en three or four others got cut right smart by somebody. That nachly caused some excitement, Jedge, en then they commenced fightin'."

The Wrong Kind of a Baby

In a certain home where the stork recently visited there is a six-year-old son of inquiring mind. When he was first taken in to see the new arrival he exclaimed:

"Oh, mamma, it hasn't any teeth! And no hair!" Then, clasping his hands in despair, he cried: "Somebody has done us! It's an old baby."

A Poser for the Salesman

"It's not so much a durable article that I require, sir," said Miss Simpkins. "I want something dainty, you know; something coy, and at the same time just a wee bit saucy—that might look well for evening wear."