Peace

TRYGAEUS That, by Apollo! is what no one ever told me; I could not think what connection there could be between Phidias and Peace.

CHORUS Nor I; I know it now. This accounts for her beauty, if she is related to him. There are so many things that escape us.

HERMES Then, when the towns subject to you saw that you were angered one against the other and were showing each other your teeth like dogs, they hatched a thousand plots to pay you no more dues and gained over the chief citizens of Sparta at the price of gold. They, being as shamelessly greedy as they were faithless in diplomacy, chased off Peace with ignominy to let loose War. Though this was profitable to them, 'twas the ruin of the husbandmen, who were innocent of all blame; for, in revenge, your galleys went out to devour their figs.

TRYGAEUS And 'twas with justice too; did they not break down my black fig tree, which I had planted and dunged with my own hands?

CHORUS Yes, by Zeus! yes, 'twas well done; the wretches broke a chest for me with stones, which held six medimni of corn.

HERMES Then the rural labourers flocked into the city⁵² and let themselves be bought over like the others. Not having even a grape-stone to munch and longing after their figs, they looked towards the orators.⁵³ These well knew that the poor were driven to extremity and lacked even bread; but they nevertheless drove away the Goddess, each time she reappeared in answer to the wish of the country, with their loud shrieks that were as sharp as pitchforks; furthermore, they attacked the well-filled purses of the richest among our allies on the pretence that they belonged to Brasidas' party⁵⁴. And then you would tear the poor accused wretch to pieces with your teeth; for the city, all pale with hunger and cowed with terror, gladly snapped up any calumny that was thrown it to devour. So the strangers, seeing what terrible blows the informers dealt, sealed their lips with gold. They grew rich, while you, alas! you could only see that Greece was going to ruin. 'Twas the tanner who was the author of all this woe⁵⁵.

TRYGAEUS Enough said, Hermes, leave that man in Hades, whither he has gone; he no longer belongs to us, but rather to yourself.⁵⁶ That he was a cheat, a braggart, a calumniator when alive, why, nothing could be truer; but anything you might say now would be an insult to one of your own folk. Oh! venerated Goddess! why art thou silent?

HERMES And how could she speak to the spectators? She is too angry at all that they have made her suffer.

TRYGAEUS At least let her speak a little to you, Hermes.

HERMES Tell me, my dear, what are your feelings with regard to them? Come, you relentless foe of all bucklers, speak; I am listening to you. (PEACE WHISPERS INTO HERMES' EAR.) Is that your grievance against them? Yes, yes, I understand. Hearken, you folk, this is her complaint. She says, that after the affair of Pylos⁵⁷ she came to you unbidden to bring you a basket full of truces and that you thrice repulsed her by your votes in the assembly.

TRYGAEUS Yes, we did wrong, but forgive us, for our mind was then entirely absorbed in leather.⁵⁸

HERMES Listen again to what she has just asked me. Who was her greatest foe here? and furthermore, had she a friend who exerted himself to put an end to the fighting?

TRYGAEUS Her most devoted friend was Cleonymus; it is undisputed.

HERMES How then did Cleonymus behave in fights?

TRYGAEUS Oh! the bravest of warriors! Only he was not born of the father he claims; he showed it quick enough in the army by throwing away his weapons.⁵⁹

HERMES There is yet another question she has just put to me. Who rules now in the rostrum?

TRYGAEUS 'Tis Hyperbolus, who now holds empire on the Pnyx. (TO PEACE) What now? you turn away your head!

HERMES She is vexed, that the people should give themselves a wretch of that kind for their chief.

TRYGAEUS Oh! we shall not employ him again; but the people, seeing themselves without a leader, took him haphazard, just as a man, who is naked, springs upon the first cloak he sees.

HERMES She asks, what will be the result of such a choice of the city?

TRYGAEUS We shall be more far-seeing in consequence.

HERMES And why?

TRYGAEUS Because he is a lamp-maker. Formerly we only directed our business by groping in the dark; now we shall only deliberate by lamplight.

HERMES Oh! oh! what questions she does order me to put to you!

TRYGAEUS What are they?

HERMES She wants to have news of a whole heap of old-fashioned things she left here. First of all, how is Sophocles?

TRYGAEUS Very well, but something very strange has happened to him.

HERMES What then?

TRYGAEUS He has turned from Sophocles into Simonides.⁶⁰

HERMES Into Simonides? How so?

TRYGAEUS Because, though old and broken-down as he is, he would put to sea on a hurdle to gain an obolus.⁶¹

HERMES And wise Cratinus,⁶² is he still alive?

TRYGAEUS He died about the time of the Laconian invasion.

HERMES How?

TRYGAEUS Of a swoon. He could not bear the shock of seeing one of his casks full of wine broken. Ah! what a number of other misfortunes our city has suffered! So, dearest mistress, nothing can now separate us from thee.

HERMES If that be so, receive Opora here for a wife; take her to the country, live with her, and grow fine grapes together.⁶³

TRYGAEUS Come, my dear friend, come and accept my kisses. Tell me, Hermes, my master, do you think it would hurt me to love her a little, after so long an abstinence?

HERMES No, not if you swallow a potion of penny-royal afterwards⁶⁴. But hasten to lead Theoria⁶⁵ to the Senate; 'twas there she lodged before.

TRYGAEUS Oh! fortunate Senate! Thanks to Theoria, what soups you will swallow for the space of three days!⁶⁶ how you will devour meats and cooked tripe! Come, farewell, friend Hermes!

HERMES And to you also, my dear sir, may you have much happiness, and don't forget me.

TRYGAEUS Come, beetle, home, home, and let us fly on a swift wing.

HERMES Oh! he is no longer here.

TRYGAEUS Where has he gone to then?

HERMES He is harnessed to the chariot of Zeus and bears the thunder bolts.

TRYGAEUS But where will the poor wretch get his food?

HERMES He will eat Ganymede's ambrosia.

TRYGAEUS Very well then, but how am I going to descend?

HERMES Oh! never fear, there is nothing simpler; place yourself beside the goddess.

TRYGAEUS Come, my pretty maidens, follow me quickly; there are plenty of folk awaiting you with ready weapons.

CHORUS Farewell and good luck be yours! Let us begin by handing over all this gear to the care of our servants, for no place is less safe than a theatre; there is always a crowd of thieves prowling around it, seeking to find some mischief to do. Come, keep a good watch over all this. As for ourselves, let us explain to the spectators what we have in our minds, the purpose of our play.

Undoubtedly the comic poet who mounted the stage to praise himself in the parabasis would deserve to be handed over to the sticks of the beadles. Nevertheless, oh Muse, if it be right to esteem the most honest and illustrious of our comic writers at his proper value, permit our poet to say that he thinks he has deserved a glorious renown. First of all, 'tis he who has compelled his rivals no longer to scoff at rags or to war with lice; and as for those Heracles, always chewing and ever hungry, those poltroons and cheats who allow themselves to be beaten at will, he was the first to cover them with ridicule and to chase them from the stage;⁶⁷ he has also dismissed that slave, whom one never failed to set a-weeping before you, so that his comrade might have the chance of jeering at his stripes and might ask, "Wretch, what has happened to your hide? Has the lash rained an army of its thongs on you and laid your back waste?" After having delivered us from all these wearisome ineptitudes and these low buffooneries, he has built up for us a great art, like a palace with high towers, constructed of fine phrases, great thoughts and of jokes not common on the streets. Moreover 'tis not obscure private persons or women that he stages in his comedies; but, bold as Heracles, 'tis the very greatest whom he attacks, undeterred by the fetid stink of leather or the threats of hearts of mud. He has the right to say, "I am the first ever dared to go straight for that beast with the sharp teeth and the terrible eyes that flashed lambent fire like those of Cynna⁶⁸, surrounded by a hundred lewd flatterers, who spittle-licked him to his heart's content; it had a voice like a roaring torrent, the stench of a seal, a foul Lamia's testicles and the rump of a camel."⁶⁹

I did not recoil in horror at the sight of such a monster, but fought him relentlessly to win your deliverance and that of the Islanders. Such are the services which should be graven in your recollection and entitle me to your thanks. Yet I have not been seen frequenting the wrestling school intoxicated with success and trying to tamper with young boys;⁷⁰ but I took all my theatrical gear⁷¹ and returned straight home. I pained folk but little and caused them much amusement; my conscience rebuked me for nothing. Hence both grown men and youths should be on my side and I likewise invite the bald⁷² to give me their votes; for, if I triumph, everyone will say, both at table and at festivals, "Carry this to the bald man, give these cakes to the bald one, do not grudge the poet whose talent shines as bright as his own bare skull the share he deserves."

Oh, Muse! drive the War far from our city and come to preside over our dances, if you love me; come and celebrate the nuptials of the gods, the banquets of us mortals and the festivals of the fortunate; these are the themes that inspire thy most poetic songs. And should Carcinus come to beg thee for admission with his sons to thy chorus, refuse all traffic with them; remember they are but gelded birds, stork-necked dancers, mannikins about as tall as a pat of goat dung, in fact machine-made poets.⁷³ Contrary to all expectation, the father has at last managed to finish a piece, but he owns himself that a cat strangled it one fine evening.⁷⁴

Such are the songs⁷⁵ with which the Muse with the glorious hair inspires the able poet and which enchant the assembled populace, when the spring swallow twitters beneath the foliage;⁷⁶ but the god spare us from the chorus of Morsimus and that of Melanthius!⁷⁷ Oh! what a bitter discordancy grated upon my ears that day when the tragic chorus was directed by this same Melanthius and his brother, these two Gorgons,⁷⁸ these two harpies, the plague of the seas, whose gluttonous bellies devour the entire race of fishes, these followers of old women, these goats with their stinking arm-pits. Oh! Muse, spit upon them abundantly and keep the feast gaily with me.

TRYGAEUS Ah! 'tis a rough job getting to the gods! my legs are as good as broken through it. How small you were, to be sure, when seen from heaven! you had all the appearance too of being great rascals; but seen close, you look even worse.

SERVANT Is that you, master?

TRYGAEUS So I've been told.

SERVANT What has happened to you?

TRYGAEUS My legs pain me; it is such a plaguey long journey.

SERVANT Oh! tell me…

TRYGAEUS What?

SERVANT Did you see any other man besides yourself strolling about in heaven?

TRYGAEUS No, only the souls of two or three dithyrambic poets.

SERVANT What were they doing up there?

TRYGAEUS They were seeking to catch some lyric exordia as they flew by immersed in the billows of the air.

SERVANT Is it true, what they tell us, that men are turned into stars after death?

TRYGAEUS Quite true.

SERVANT Then who is that star I see over yonder?

TRYGAEUS That is Ion of Chios,⁷⁹ the author of an ode beginning "Morning"; as soon as ever he got to heaven, they called him "the Morning Star."

SERVANT And those stars like sparks, that plough up the air as they dart across the sky?⁸⁰

TRYGAEUS They are the rich leaving the feast with a lantern and a light inside it.—But hurry up, show this young girl into my house, clean out the bath, heat some water and prepare the nuptial couch for herself and me. When 'tis done, come back here; meanwhile I am off to present this one to the Senate.

SERVANT But where then did you get these pretty chattels?

TRYGAEUS Where? why in heaven.

SERVANT I would not give more than an obolus for gods who have got to keeping brothels like us mere mortals.

TRYGAEUS They are not all so, but there are some up there too who live by this trade.

SERVANT Come, that's rich! But I bethink me, shall I give her something to eat?

TRYGAEUS No, for she would neither touch bread nor cake; she is used to licking ambrosia at the table of the gods.

SERVANT Well, we can give her something to lick down here too.

CHORUS Here is a truly happy old man, as far as I can judge.

TRYGAEUS Ah! but what shall I be, when you see me presently dressed for the wedding?

CHORUS Made young again by love and scented with perfumes, your lot will be one we all shall envy.

TRYGAEUS And when I lie beside her and caress her bosoms?

CHORUS Oh! then you will be happier than those spinning-tops who call Carcinus their father.⁸¹

TRYGAEUS And I well deserve it; have I not bestridden a beetle to save the Greeks, who now, thanks to me, can make love at their ease and sleep peacefully on their farms?

SERVANT The girl has quitted the bath; she is charming from head to foot, both belly and buttocks; the cake is baked and they are kneading the sesame-biscuit;⁸² nothing is lacking but the bridegroom's virility.

TRYGAEUS Let us first hasten to lodge Theoria in the hands of the Senate.

SERVANT But tell me, who is this woman?

TRYGAEUS Why, 'tis Theoria, with whom we used formerly to go to Brauron,⁸³ to get tipsy and frolic. I had the greatest trouble to get hold of her.

SERVANT Ah! you charmer! what pleasure your pretty bottom will afford me every four years!

TRYGAEUS Let us see, who of you is steady enough to be trusted by the Senate with the care of this charming wench? Hi! you, friend! what are you drawing there?

SERVANT I am drawing the plan of the tent I wish to erect for myself on the isthmus.⁸⁴

TRYGAEUS Come, who wishes to take the charge of her? No one? Come, Theoria, I am going to lead you into the midst of the spectators and confide you to their care.

SERVANT Ah! there is one who makes a sign to you.

TRYGAEUS Who is it?

SERVANT 'Tis Ariphrades. He wishes to take her home at once.

TRYGAEUS No, I'm sure he shan't. He would soon have her done for, absorbing all her life-force. Come, Theoria, put down all this gear.⁸⁵

Senate, Prytanes, look upon Theoria and see what precious blessings I place in your hands. Hasten to raise its limbs and to immolate the victim. Admire the fine chimney,⁸⁶ it is quite black with smoke, for 'twas here that the Senate did their cooking before the war. Now that you have found Theoria again, you can start the most charming games from to-morrow, wrestling with her on the ground, either on your hands and feet, or you can lay her on her side, or stand before her with bent knees, or, well rubbed with oil, you can boldly enter the lists, as in the Pancratium, belabouring your foe with blows from your fist or otherwise. The next day you will celebrate equestrian games, in which the riders will ride side by side, or else the chariot teams, thrown one on top of another, panting and whinnying, will roll and knock against each other on the ground, while other rivals, thrown out of their seats, will fall before reaching the goal, utterly exhausted by their efforts.—Come, Prytanes, take Theoria. Oh! look how graciously yonder fellow has received her; you would not have been in such a hurry to introduce her to the Senate, if nothing were coming to you through it;⁸⁷ you would not have failed to plead some holiday as an excuse.

CHORUS Such a man as you assures the happiness of all his fellow-citizens.

TRYGAEUS When you are gathering your vintages you will prize me even better.

CHORUS E'en from to-day we hail you as the deliverer of mankind.

TRYGAEUS Wait until you have drunk a beaker of new wine, before you appraise my true merits.